Valuable Experience: Why Children Necessarily Need Failure

“He was sick, and we protected”

Irina S., 45 years old:

“Our son Fedor was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 12. Everything, from that day on we began to protect our boy from all troubles: viruses, overload, stress, fights and conflicts at school. Dad calls to go fishing – no, suddenly you get your feet wet. Grandma asks for help at the dacha – no, sugar will jump again. But most of all we were worried about his failures in music school; until the age of 12, he showed promise and played the organ well, was in love with it. Before the illness, we calmly endured his “not the first places”, realizing that this is an important experience, it is also needed. But with the diagnosis, we together with the whole family began to protect him from problems in this field. Only weak competitions were chosen for participation – there he became the best. He graduated from the music school with honors, but became a mediocre graduate. Sometimes I wonder if my maternal animal fear ruined his fate. “

“There is one very instructive parable about how a boy, feeling sorry for the butterfly, which with great efforts tried to get out of its cocoon, tore it and“ freed ”the poor insect … As a result, the butterfly’s wings could not get stronger, it was doomed to certain death unable to feed or fly away from danger.

The same happens with children, whom their parents protect too zealously: they do everything for them or do not allow the slightest disappointment, pain, fear in their lives. Parents are unable to cope with their own difficult feelings – after all, the child is suffering! And as a result, they do not allow the child to develop normally.

In greenhouse conditions, children are unable to learn how to make decisions, to understand what they really want. They turn out to be completely unprepared for life in the real world, just like that butterfly! “

“I save from hooligans”

Svetlana, 40 years old:

“I am raising my son alone, my husband was killed in a drunken brawl. More than anything in the world I am afraid of school fights and showdowns. I follow my son’s heels – I take him to school, to circles. As soon as a bully appears in the class, I ask the teachers to transplant my Sergei further away from him, I demand that the teachers protect my son. Going to the store in the evening – no, I’d rather myself. In public transport, his grandmother accompanies him to the desired place. “

“An adult should adequately assess the situation and protect the child only when there is a real threat. Overwhelming is a symptom of the parent’s progressive neurosis. The more you “feed” this neurosis, the more it will grow. The best way to help your child grow up to be an environmentally friendly person is to start working with their parental phobias. You need to understand that your fears live only in your head. Even if you take your child by the hand, anything can happen, you are not a guarantee of absolute safety.

For a son, this parental behavior can become fatal, destroying his ability to make choices in life, make decisions and trivially cope with even non-aggressive environmental factors. He will wait for mommy to decide everything, make a choice and save from any misfortunes. Before it’s too late, work with your fears. Thus, you will set a good example for your son and give him a chance for an independent, successful existence in this world. “

We don’t need love

Olga, 38 years:

“My daughter Olesya fell in love with the newcomer. Anton came to them in the 9th grade in the middle of the school year and everyone really liked it: polite, cultured, funny and beautiful. My daughter kept chatting about him, showing photos in social networks, began to monitor her appearance, even learned how to draw arrows in front of her eyes. I saw that my girl was in love with Anton. But after school, the boy always went home alone, did not appear on social networks and did not attend extracurricular sabantui. Anton was fond of science and spent all his free time in additional classes in the laboratories of the university where he was going to enter and where I work. I saw that Anton liked the girl from these courses, who shared his interests.

I understood that seeing this couple crammed together, my daughter would be very worried, and I want her to be confident in her absolute attractiveness and exclusivity. I didn’t tell her anything – I’m sure that her hobby will pass ”.

“Personality is formed by experiencing futility. Do not criticize children unnecessarily. As well as not to abuse the praise: “you are the best of all”; “The most beautiful in the world”; “You have no equal” – this will develop inadequately high self-esteem. Better to say “I love you even if you didn’t succeed”, “I believe in you”, “I am proud of you, no matter what”. Then the child will know that he is the best for you, and this is the most important thing for him – to be important to his parents. It builds a basic trust in the world and makes a person resilient to failure. “

The child must understand that it is impossible to please everyone, and it is not necessary. Yes, it happens – you like someone, but he doesn’t like you, and this is completely normal. This attitude towards self-attractiveness will help shape the normal healthy boundaries of the child’s personality. But the confidence that everyone is crazy about you by default, on the contrary, can grow neurosis – after all, such confidence has nothing to do with reality.