Valentine’s Day: time to review

If you are lonely and unhappy

Instead of sitting alone in the evening with a glass of wine in front of a blue screen, use this time to consider and critically evaluate the style and nature of your love relationship. Photographs of all those people with whom you had a serious relationship will help in this. Find them and lay them out in front of you.

At first glance, each of your ex-partners seems completely different from the rest. Most of us do not choose a strictly specific type of mate, we meet people of different views, professions and backgrounds. But still try to identify their deep similarities. For example:

• They were all difficult, touchy, stubborn, quarrelsome, but you were attracted by these difficulties and kept in good shape by a situation in which you never knew what to expect.
• It was a comfortable relationship — you were taken care of, you were taken care of, but you eventually got bored.
• Your partners invariably had a high status, and this made a strong impression on your friends, but there was no close contact, warmth and mutual understanding between you.
• At one time, they all received a serious psychological trauma and allowed you to feel like a «savior», protector and patron.
• You were especially attracted to the knights in shining armor — they promised to solve your problems and take care of you, but ultimately reduced their guardianship to total control.

Keep in mind: replacing one type of relationship with the opposite is not the same as moving forward in solving your problem. You play the same pattern, just from a different point of view.

For example: if you were deceived in one relationship, you allow yourself liberties and betrayals in the next. A common reason for getting stuck in toxic patterns is the absence of a break between relationships. No one argues, it’s nice after a painful breakup to feel your attraction for someone else. You succumb to the temptation to start an affair instead of letting the wounds inflicted heal.

In the short term

The first step to freeing yourself from ineffective relationship patterns is recognizing the problem. This is especially important if, as a result of a toxic experience, you began to perceive potential partners as black (“all men cheat” or “all women are hysterical”) or put an end to yourself.

The next step is to avoid serious relationships for three to six months, depending on how deep you are in the painful experience. Use this time to work on yourself — read books, go on retreat, sign up for some educational courses.

A good way to boost self-esteem is to do charity work or any other volunteer work. Helping out an elderly neighbor or a day care center will take your attention away from your own problems, and words of gratitude will help you feel better.

Finally, change your habitual patterns of behavior: find yourself a new hobby, meet up with friends more often, or just think of a different route to work. If you leave everything as it is, then your life will remain the same.

For the long term

When you’re ready to start a new relationship, approach the matter a little differently. There are three types of dates: dating dates (the first three to five dates), dating dates (enjoying each other’s company), and dating dates.

Do not rush to go directly to the third stage until you pass the first two. This approach will allow you not to approach too quickly and retreat at any time. By maintaining a distance, it is easier to form an objective opinion about a new acquaintance and about your compatibility with him.

Having entered into a close relationship, you will involuntarily begin to idealize your lover and will ignore those facts that do not correspond to your fantasy.

Generally speaking, the secret is to enjoy life together. In itself, joyful communication, when you are relaxed and enjoying each other’s company, can be very healing and positive — even if it does not lead to a serious long-term relationship.

If you are together and unhappy

Many couples who formally observe the festive ritual of Valentine’s Day, in reality, feel some falsity of all this obligatory «romance» — giving gifts, expressing tender feelings. They don’t hate each other, although, in a way, that would be easier.

But their love has dwindled to the extent of sympathy for each other. They get along well, but the passion is gone, and there has been no eroticism in the relationship for a long time.

As a family counselor, I see more and more families where the partners are more like siblings or good friends than lovers. Major life events — such as a XNUMXth anniversary, a layoff, children leaving home, the death of a parent — can also highlight problems in a couple that previously seemed insignificant, and make you wonder: what am I even doing with my life?

Instead of trying to smile at each other on February 14th, use this day to be more honest with yourself and stop pretending. Do an audit and find out where your relationship has deteriorated. Be honest with each other about your frustrations and agree on what exactly you will do to improve the situation.

In the short term

Why do relationships become dispassionate? The number one reason is the unwillingness to argue and raise sensitive issues. Many couples suppress their annoyance and hide what they don’t like about their partner in exchange for some outward comfort.

There is so much tension in modern life that sometimes we simply do not have enough time or energy to object and defend our point of view. However, without quarrels and conflicts, you will never sort out differences. Anger and annoyance, finding no way out, accumulate somewhere in the depths.

All feelings are gradually dulled, even those kind and bright ones that the couple tried to keep. And therefore, the conflicts that often flare up between partners during a consultation are the first sign that the relationship is improving. After all, emotional “showdowns” require our full involvement, indifference. This is a sign of the vitality of the couple, as opposed to formal bickering or ignoring each other.

But do not forget about the basic rules of the conflict:

• express claims to a specific act, and not to the person as a whole. For example, say «don’t leave wet towels on the bed» instead of «you’re awfully lazy»;
• bring up no more than one topic in one conversation, and do not switch to something else when you feel like you are losing;
• having expressed all the anger, strive to find a compromise and agree: what each of you agrees to change for the sake of the other.

For the long term

If we subtract from a typical week the time it takes to work, travel to and from the office, sleep, and watch movies, it turns out that, on average, partners spend very little time alone with each other. According to the UK Office for National Statistics, about three and a half hours a week (or only 24 minutes a day!) Is what we have left for a life together that includes talking, sharing hobbies, walking and going out.

Even a small amount of time allocated for each other (optimally — 5 extra hours per week) can pay tangible dividends. It’s unlikely that everything will change at once, but at least it’s worth gradually making new good habits: for example, agreeing to have dinner together every night, finding a nanny, or simply turning off the TV. You will notice what amazing results these small changes can bring.