Vacation – time to be together?

Sometimes all the hopes that were not justified during the year are pinned on a vacation: to make loved ones even closer, and loved ones even more beloved. It seems that even the word “vacation” itself has some special meaning: we believe that we can let go of our own grievances against each other, let go of ourselves, a squirrel in a wheel, from the whirlwind of work and household affairs, and our relationships are from the usual and boring scenarios.

“Many of us do not go to the most beloved job, do not return to the most desirable and warm home,” says psychotherapist Andrey Kuznetsov. – Someone plows for six months, endures a spouse who has long been bored and waits for a vacation in order to finally escape for a break. But the paradox is that when you go somewhere, you take your head with you, which means that everything that you have accumulated by this time goes with you.

How to spend a vacation so that not only subscribers, but also ourselves believe in our happy photos on Instagram?

Litmus test of relationships

We go away from predictable and gray everyday life and believe that relationships will sparkle with colorful colors. Yes, changing the usual picture outside the window gives novelty. “In a different environment, sex can become brighter,” Andrey Kuznetsov continues, “partners are no longer distracted by home and work tasks, they can finally look at each other, be truly together, become closer. But quarrels can also happen. After all, it all depends on the purpose of the trip. This is how I set up my clients: be honest and do not deceive yourself – are you ready for change and decisive action?

If we are going to reconcile, reanimate lost love, refresh feelings in a couple, then intentions alone are not enough – you need to confirm them with concrete actions.

“This trip was the last chance. At a session with a psychologist, we promised each other that this time we would definitely spend our vacation differently than always – no calls for work and corporate chats, 34-year-old Svetlana shares. – At the airport, Alexey still held on, in the restaurant on the first evening he turned the phone upside down and turned off the vibration. And in the room, when I got out of the shower, I saw a smartphone in my hands, a laptop on my lap and heard the familiar “Svetik, now, just urgently answer the boss.”

And I finally realized that I no longer have the strength to compete with a large corporation for the attention of this man. We spent our holidays as usual: he in the mail and WhatsApp, and I – in the spa, on the beach and excursions. And when we returned to Moscow, I packed my things and moved out of our common rented apartment.

Vacation is a litmus test of relationships in general, psychodramatherapist Natalya Ruzlyaeva is convinced. “It’s just part of life. If partners have different interests and they meet only for two hours in the evening, then it is likely that it will not be easy for them to be together around the clock. And either conflicts will begin, or a maximum of distractions will appear – trips to Disneyland, safari, sea, beach, shopping, an all-inclusive bar. If there is no relationship in a couple, then you should not expect miracles from a vacation.

It is not always easy for us to directly say to a partner: “I miss your warmth, attention.” We go on vacation and by default we expect that now everything will work out. But nothing happens.

“It’s really scary to tell your partner what you really want from him – rough sex, care or romance,” explains Natalia Ruzlyaeva. – You can get rejected. It takes courage not only to speak out your desires, but also to be ready to receive an answer: “I can’t devote more time to you, work is more important for me.” And then the choice is ours: will we be able to accept this, or will we try to remake the other, taking away his phone and computer on vacation, or we will honestly say to ourselves: I do not want to be second. But at least we will rid ourselves of illusions and unjustified expectations.”

Including the expectations of a perfect vacation. After all, we are so sharpened for success – both in work and in leisure. We cannot afford to rest badly, otherwise what will relatives, friends and colleagues say?

We are so true to social stereotypes that we consider family holidays to be a mandatory program. “One of my clients, who cannot stand the heat, loved to relax with her husband in Iceland before the birth of her children,” says Andrey Kuznetsov, “and then one of her relatives or a doctor said on TV that children definitely need the sea. And since then, for her, every summer is flour. But do we know exactly what children need, in such a form and quantity?

I remember another client who, as a child, was sent by his parents to his grandmother at sea every vacation. He already knew every bush and pebble by heart, hated the summer and envied his friends left in the city that they play football together, go to the movies.

Some of us have become so accustomed to the role of parents that they are afraid to go on vacation without children. “And couples suddenly discover that they have forgotten how to be just a man and a woman, they go somewhere together and for the first few days they don’t know what to talk about, how to be with each other. They are re-learning to be lovers, ”notes Natalya Ruzlyaeva.

It happens the other way around: we want to be away from our partner. But not everyone is ready to let their loved one go on vacation alone.

Privacy check

“Recently, we launched a major international project, for almost half a year I dangled between Europe, Japan and my home in St. Petersburg,” recalls 41-year-old Nikolai. “I’m damn tired. And he dreamed of only one thing: after the launch, take a couple of weeks and go somewhere away from the hustle and bustle and people. When I told my wife about this, she made a scandal, saying that I had an affair on the side. And I don’t know how else to explain to her that if I don’t leave, I’ll just explode.”

What is so afraid of “remaining on the shore”? “We all have a set of fears. Since the situation of separation is stressful, this set can bloom exuberantly. For example, the fear of abandonment will become aggravated, – suggests Andrey Kuznetsov. “If a partner has low self-esteem, then thoughts arise: he or she will find someone better, younger, prettier there.”

For someone who imagines catastrophic stories, this can be a signal: isn’t it time to try to deal with your own anxiety before limiting your partner’s desires?

At a certain stage of the relationship, when the candy-bouquet period has passed, the partners have an internal need to be alone, Andrey Kuznetsov believes: “Imagine a certain axis, where at one end there is a merger, at the other – autonomy. In any relationship, we move back and forth along this axis.

When we are shifted to the pole of autonomy, then, as a rule, we are driven by the desire to be not alone, but in solitude. Sometimes a few hours of walking in the park is enough for someone. Someone needs a whole vacation to reboot and recover. In a couple where there is trust, this need is respected.”

But what if the other partner regards the trip alone as a sign of cooling, a step towards a break? “If communication is established in a couple, then it will not be difficult to explain the reasons and importance of such a trip,” Andrey Kuznetsov is convinced. – And still it happens that the remaining partner is worried. Then modern means of communication will help.

“Here is my photo with a monkey, here I am on Kilimanjaro, here I am rafting down the river.” It is not necessary to call several times a day, but sending one “message from Shushenskoye” is not difficult. This is also a sign of respect for the partner’s feelings.

If someone in a couple needs to be alone, and the second insists on a joint trip, this is a sign that something is wrong in the relationship, either with trust or with agreements, Natalya Ruzlyaeva is sure.

“It all depends on the purpose of the trip and how the partners feel about cheating, if the goal is really to go left. When one calmly reacts to the holiday romances of the other – they say, he will have fun, but he will return to live again with me – this is one story. If betrayal is perceived painfully, then it would be worth warning about this at the beginning of the relationship: “If you sleep with others, it will be hard for me and I will most likely leave you.”

And both will have a choice: hurt the other and lose him, endure betrayal or leave. Talking directly about your desires, values, and boundaries is also one of the basic principles of a healthy relationship, and not just in a couple.

Friends with a secret

“The four of us and my friends went to Italy last year,” says 46-year-old Olga. – All 10 days we were hostages of Irina’s whims. Then she rubbed her leg and we urgently need to return to the hotel. Then she got a headache, and therefore the trip to Rome is canceled. In the mornings, she gathered for two hours, and we were late for the tour three times. As a result, we all quarreled and since then we have not communicated.

When planning a vacation with a company, it would be worthwhile to honestly ask yourself the question: do I know these people well? “Group trips have advantages – you can save on renting an apartment and a car. If someone in the company knows a foreign language or has been to these places, this is a great help, says Natalya Ruzlyaeva, but we must understand that we will encounter the habits and values ​​of other people.

And it’s better to get to know them in advance, saying all the details, especially those related to finances: how will we pay for gasoline if we take a car, where will we have breakfast and dinner, cook ourselves (who exactly?) or go to a restaurant (what?), in how long will we wake up and go to bed, what kind of rest do we prefer – active or passive?

Even during preliminary negotiations, it may turn out that we and these partners do not go along the way. And then, perhaps, we will save our vacation and ourselves from disappointment.

But even if we talked a lot on the shore, conflicts can arise. There is no need to be afraid of them, Andrey Kuznetsov is sure: “For many of us, the forecasting function is poorly trained. And due to cognitive distortions, we do not see all possible options for the development of situations, but we see only positive ones. Because of this, disputes arise.

For me personally, conflict is a way to solve problems. This is better than the passive-aggressive form, when everyone silently disperses to different corners, instead of talking about the problem and finding a compromise.

But the most important thing on vacation is to always remember why we are here. Is it just to relax and disconnect from worries? During this period, you can learn a lot about yourself. “For example, that I am a workaholic and do not know how to relax. If I’m traveling alone, how is it for me to be alone with myself? What do I really want and can I listen, without daily noise and scenery, to my desires? After all, vacation is a marker of what we allow ourselves in everyday life,” Natalya Ruzlyaeva reflects.

There are those among us who live from vacation to vacation, they, like marathon runners, run to the finish line and fall dead on a sun lounger or on a garden bed. After a little rest, they begin the next race.

“Most people live according to a strict plan, they have two vacations, or even once a year. And this is a huge limitation in general in their outlook on life. And there are those for whom rest is a broader concept. They look at life differently. They can relax in the evenings, on weekends, they plan 5-6 trips a year (even if not abroad, but even by car or train out of town) – sometimes with children or in the company of friends, and sometimes together or alone. And then their life becomes more eventful, full, prosperous,” Andrey Kuznetsov is convinced.