In modern Western culture, it is customary to broadcast a good mood. Suffering from negative emotions is considered shameful, an admission of weakness in the face of circumstances. Psychotherapist Tori Rodriguez is convinced that we should not block and hide painful experiences for the sake of our mental and physical health.
My client is trying to unravel a complicated relationship with his wife. As a psychotherapist, I try to support him and not allow critical statements. But more and more often, in the midst of describing the painful experience, the client begins to apologize: “Sorry, I feel very bad …”
The main goal of psychotherapy is to learn to recognize and express the full range of emotions. But that’s exactly what the client is apologizing for. Many of my patients suffer from severe emotional manifestations, whether it be uncontrollable rage or suicidal thoughts. And at the same time feel guilty or ashamed for them. This is the result of our culture’s obsession with positive thinking.
Although it is useful to cultivate positive emotions, this should not become a dogma and a rule of life.
Anger and sadness are an important part of life, and a new study by psychologist Jonathan Adler shows that living and accepting negative emotions is essential for mental health. “Remember, we need emotions primarily to evaluate experience,” Adler emphasizes. Trying to suppress «bad» thoughts can lead to less life satisfaction. In addition, it is easy to miss the risks in the “rose-colored glasses of the positive”.
Instead of hiding from negative emotions, embrace them. Immerse yourself in your experiences and don’t try to switch
Even if you avoid thinking about an unpleasant topic, the subconscious mind can continue to work in this direction. Psychologist Richard Bryant of the University of New South Wales in Sydney asked part of the experiment participants to block unwanted thoughts before going to bed. Those who struggled with themselves were more likely to see an illustration of their negativity in their dreams. This phenomenon is called “relinquishing sleep.”
Instead of hiding from negative emotions, embrace them. Immerse yourself in your experiences and do not try to switch. When facing negativity, deep breathing and meditation techniques will help. For example, you can imagine emotions as floating clouds — as a reminder that they are not eternal. I often tell clients that a thought is just a thought and a feeling is just a feeling, nothing more, nothing less.
You can describe them in a diary or retell them to someone around you. If the discomfort does not leave, do not endure — start acting, actively responding. Tell your friend openly that her barbs will hurt you. Try to change jobs you hate.
It is impossible to live at least a week without negative emotions. Instead of ignoring negativity, learn to deal with it.
Tori Rodriguez is a psychotherapist and specialist in Ayurvedic medicine.