From the outside, everything can look perfect: the child is healthy and provided with everything necessary. He has a mother. But the main thing is missing — her love and sincere attention. What does this mean for the child and what should the mother do? The psychotherapist explains.
Such a child is an unaccepted child. “Some mothers love infancy: they like pregnancy and communication with a baby up to a year, when he is perceived as an obedient toy. And then the child grows up, and the mother loses interest in him, says psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova. — For example, he understands that he interferes with building a career, preventing him from divorcing his father or developing relationships with other men. The child may not justify the tasks assigned to him, if with his help it was not possible to save the family. A woman may suddenly realize that the baby is becoming like an unloved husband or mother-in-law. What happens in such a situation?
Emotional shutdown
The mother provides only the primary needs of the child: to clothe, feed, educate, but completely turns off the sphere of empathy. This can happen in the truest sense of the word: the child turns to his mother, and in response — silence. Or the pause between his question and her answer is inappropriately long — as if he had not asked anything.
The kid is left with the feeling that it is pointless to turn to the world with a question or request — he must solve his own problems.
What threatens: the child grows up not hearing his feelings. It is parents who make children understand that they are important and valuable to this world. If there is no feedback, the child does not understand himself, his true desires and interests. In the future, such a person often fences himself off from any close relationships, preferring emotionally detached ones to them, as more familiar to him.
Direct or indirect anger
If the mother expresses negative emotions directly — screams or uses physical violence, the child lives with a burden of guilt, because he is sure that if the mother is unhappy, then he is bad. However, mediated anger is no less dangerous when a child is subjected to emotional abuse: they are forced to do something for which he has no interest and inclinations, they demand brilliant results in school.
What threatens: need and in adulthood to live again their childhood pain or inflict it on other people. This trauma can form a sadomasochist who is forever captivated by his mother’s cruelty.
Instruct grandma
A child can be given to be raised by a grandmother under a plausible pretext — the mother works a lot. At the same time, the mother can create a new family and give birth to another child, but is in no hurry to take her first child.
What threatens: the child becomes a perfectionist, finishes school, college, builds a career, but strives forward only to be recognized and appreciated. All his successes are addressed to a single spectator — an indifferent mother.
From the outside it may seem that such a person has a bright, eventful life, but behind this lies a deep inner dissatisfaction. It can be difficult for him to build sincere relationships, because he is sure that love can only be earned or received in exchange for material gifts.
What to do?
The first and main step is to look at your relationship with your child from the outside and honestly admit that there is a crack between you. This can be difficult to do, and it is important not to go to the other extreme — guilt, from which your anger at the child can only get worse.
Often this requires the intervention of a psychologist, but only through personal awareness can you take responsibility for this situation and begin to change it.