Unsuccessful pregnancy: how to save a relationship in a couple

“Perinatal losses are the death of a child during pregnancy, during childbirth and within seven days after birth,” explains Alexandra Feshina, founder and director of the Light in Hands charity foundation. “Most often, the loss of a baby becomes the strongest shock for the family and a test of relationships in a couple.”

A woman and a man can experience the loss of a child very differently. Someone decides to keep feelings in himself, get distracted by work, hobbies, older children, does not allow himself to cry and, as a result, cannot support the one who is nearby. Someone plunges into grief, completely surrenders to feelings, can forget about everyday affairs and not notice that a partner needs care. All the numerous variations of behavior in pairs can be reduced to three main strategies.

Strategy 1: “Nothing Happened”

It may seem to parents that if you don’t discuss, don’t cry, don’t remember the death of an unborn baby, pretend that nothing happened, strengthen yourself, you will be able to “bounce back” faster. “Many people think: if you do not talk about what happened, there is no loss. Having chosen such a coping strategy, many couples at first really feel that it is easier for them, comments Alexandra Feshina. But such a position is misleading. Grief does not disappear anywhere, it remains inside, locked with an iron lock of general silence.

It happens that one partner turns to a psychologist many years after the loss with a request: is it normal that it still hurts so much? If parents don’t give themselves time to process the loss, the pain will return. Sometimes she retreats into the shadows, giving way to pressing urgent matters, and then rolls with renewed vigor. What does this mean for the couple?

“In a relationship, there may be a feeling of boredom, misunderstanding, irritation with each other in moments completely unrelated to the loss,” explains Olga Lebedeva, a psychologist at the Light in Hands Foundation. – A person does not admit to himself or his partner that he is having a hard time and needs support. Spouses avoid the topic of loss and their feelings. Every time there is a need to talk, thoughts come to mind: “He is so calm, he doesn’t worry at all, he is holding on so well. There must be something wrong with me.” Or: “He doesn’t cry at all, and now I’ll remind you of what happened, and he will also be sad.” Or: “Wow, she acts like nothing happened. Doesn’t she care? So the spouses erect an invisible barrier, risking becoming strangers to each other.

Recommendation. In such a situation, it is worth talking about yourself and your pain, without requiring your partner to talk about feelings in response, respecting his right to remain silent and not share his feelings.

Strategy 2. “How much can you stir up your soul?”

It happens that one partner admits that what happened to him is a tragedy, which takes time and the support of loved ones to live, while the other prefers to remain silent and not only does not support conversations on this topic, but also pulls the partner.

Often women cry, grieve, try to talk to their husband, and he, being sure that tears only make it worse, changes the subject. What women just don’t hear: “Forty days have passed, now you have to pull yourself together”, “Stop crying, I can’t look at this.” Behind these phrases is usually hidden the desire of the husband to take care of his wife, but it becomes even harder for her.

The situation can also be the opposite: a man is going through a hard loss, but the rule works in society – a man must be strong, tears are unacceptable. However, the father of an unborn baby needs no less support than a mother – from society, from his wife, from relatives and friends. Support at least in his right to mourn the child. The feeling of loneliness is growing, the need to talk about what happened is getting stronger, but the man stumbles upon a blank wall of silence.

“Despite the general stages of grief, everyone experiences the loss of a pregnancy and a child in their own way,” explains Elizaveta Sukhanova, psychologist at the Light in Hands Foundation. – Even the very fact of perinatal loss can be perceived by each of the spouses in different ways. Someone has managed to become attached to the child and draw a picture of the future with him, and at the moment of loss he is deeply shocked by the fact that plans are destroyed. The expected future has not happened and never will.”

Someone (usually a man) is less emotionally involved from the very beginning, having difficulty relating the fact of pregnancy to the imminent appearance of a child. In this case, after a perinatal loss, a person experiences other experiences: for example, fear for a spouse. Gradually comes the realization that he could soon become a parent, and only after that the grief begins. Because of this, both parents may not coincide in time and intensity of their experiences, and it can be difficult for them to understand and support each other.

Sometimes the experience of losing a child reveals existing difficulties in a couple: the inability to discuss difficult situations, lack of respect for each other’s feelings, lack of support. And then the partners may decide to leave. You should not conclude that the breakup was due to loss, but rather because of what problems were exposed during her stay.

Recommendation. The most favorable for the couple is the acceptance of the fact that both parents grieve and miss the child and it is painful for both of them to admit that he is gone. But at the same time, they are ready to face the truth, to recognize the love for him and the pain that his death caused.

Strategy 3. “He will always be our child”

In some couples, spouses support and share any manifestation of each other’s grief, and this is expressed not only in words and tears, but also in actions. “He himself guessed to call our friends who have a small child, and asked for a while to limit communication, because it’s hard for me to see their baby.” “The husband himself takes the eldest child to kindergarten – he is afraid that they will start asking me questions about who was born with us. I’m not ready for this yet.” Recognizing your pain allows you to understand the pain of another.

In such a situation, different speed and intensity of grief are also possible. One of the spouses may come to accept what happened earlier. But, having passed the path of mourning, knowing how hard it is to carry anger at himself and the whole world, despair and loss of the meaning of life, he will never reproach another that he has not yet experienced the loss, is still crying and is not ready to move on.

“This is the most gentle way for a person and for relationships,” explains Alexandra Feshina. — But not always people have the resources and understanding of how to achieve this. How not to hide from the pain when it seems that the heart is torn apart? Relatives can come to the rescue, who will take care of solving everyday issues, about older children who will be ready to listen and hear, will be there, without advice or parting words.

Recommendation. Couples can also seek professional help from psychologists: they will help find a way to talk about the child so that both partners can talk and get over the loss. It is very helpful to communicate with parents who have had similar experiences.

The most important thing to remember for those who are in trouble is that they are not alone. Nearby there are relatives, special services, people who understand what it is like to survive the loss. And the main task is to find the strength to turn to such people.