Unhealthy perfectionism or laudable striving for perfection?

We are constantly making ever higher demands on ourselves. This applies to career, relationships with others and your own body. We are driven by the need to look perfect on social networks and in life.

Research shows that the current generation is more prone to perfectionism than the previous ones. We are talking about millennials (born in the 80s — early 2000s). Jessica Pryor, a psychologist at Northwestern University’s Family Institute, says perfectionism has led to higher rates of depression and higher suicide rates. She explores the problem and tells how to distinguish a healthy desire for perfection from an unhealthy one and what to do to discover the real you.

What is the difference between healthy perfectionism and unhealthy perfectionism?

The specialist emphasizes that perfectionism is not always bad. He has a positive side — this is how ambition and the desire to succeed are manifested. The more effort, the more likely it is to achieve your goals.

A healthy striving for excellence is accompanied by high psychological stability. This means that you are able to quickly bounce back from setbacks and keep working towards your goals. A good example of such perfectionists is professional athletes.

“In order to maintain and renew contracts, to continue playing in teams, they must constantly show high results — not just high, but extraordinary. They learn from mistakes, rebuild and, most importantly, quickly forget about past failures, ”comments the psychologist.

On the other hand, there is also unhealthy (maladaptive) perfectionism. Those who have it set very ambitious goals for themselves and react painfully if they fail to achieve them.

“Such people have strict requirements for themselves, but they do not have flexibility, psychological fortitude and the ability to quickly recover from failures,” the psychologist explains. At the same time, people still continue to set themselves very difficult, and sometimes impossible, tasks. “Because of this, the probability of failure increases, and these violent negative reactions occur more often. A person falls into a vicious circle of constant failure and self-flagellation, from which he often cannot get out on his own.

He has extremely strict requirements for himself, not allowing any deviations from the planned plan. For example, he may think: “Yes, I was made a full partner of the company, but I went to this much longer than my colleagues” or “Yes, I managed to enter a medical school, but not the best!”. Such self-criticism eventually begins to affect self-esteem.

“As a result, there is severe stress, constant agonizing anxiety due to possible mistakes, self-flagellation, shame, anxiety, fear of failure. Some people because of this begin to avoid upcoming cases, procrastinate, unconsciously sabotage their own efforts, ”says Jessica Pryor. She warns that maladaptive perfectionism can lead over time to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and in the worst case, suicidal thoughts.

How to get rid of the obsessive need to do everything perfectly? Analyze your way of thinking and behavior. If you realize that you are prone to unhealthy perfectionism and suffer because you are supposedly not good enough, you can do the following.

1. Realize that perfection is just an illusion

The ideal is impossible and unattainable if you did something not quite right, instead of self-flagellation, tell yourself: “Let’s look at things realistically: I can do everything in my power, but no more.”

2. Practice being imperfect

Practice, make small mistakes where it does not threaten with serious consequences. If you realize that you are suffering from unhealthy perfectionism, Jessica Pryor advises taking a split approach. Choose those areas of life that are especially important to you, in which it is really important for you to do everything perfectly, and in other areas, allow yourself to be flexible.

“For example, if I am a successful, respected neurosurgeon, is it really so important for me to be able to cook like a professional chef? From a psychologist’s point of view, the answer is: «No, not at all.»

3. Focus on the process, not the result

“Successful and ambitious people tend to think all the time about the future final result, which is still many hours, days, weeks, months or years away,” says the psychologist. As a result, they may have problems with motivation, it is difficult for them to convince themselves not to give up. She advises clients to try to divide big goals and plans into smaller tasks that are easier to deal with in turns.

4. Rejoice in success at every stage

Allow yourself to enjoy intermediate results. Often, it is enough to simply distract from thoughts about the future and return to the present. Practice mindfulness, remember all the time how far you have progressed today. Appreciate these intermediate successes, do not dismiss them as insignificant details.

5. Stop excessive self-criticism

It is on it that unhealthy perfectionism basically rests. If we constantly repeat something to ourselves, then we begin to believe in it. The therapist advises clients to keep a diary of achievement and repeat mantras like «I’m good enough» and «I’ll do my best and that’s enough» all the time. If it doesn’t work right away, don’t push yourself too hard.

“Clients who are prone to unhealthy perfectionism find these exercises more difficult because they are used to talking to themselves more harshly and sternly,” Pryor says. But these efforts will pay off handsomely, and over time, you can change the way you think if you are more likely to remember the virtues and not the shortcomings.

6. Take Care of Your Well-Being, It Matters Most

Perfectionists often sacrifice well-being for the sake of success and results. Many clients have stopped exercising, cooking healthy food, meeting friends in order to achieve their goals.” It doesn’t go unnoticed. By isolating ourselves from others and not taking care of ourselves, we run the risk of permanent anxiety and depression. Remember to set aside time for yourself in your schedule.

7. Don’t Delay Seeing a Psychologist

If you feel like you can’t do it on your own, seek professional help. Many people suffer from unhealthy perfectionism, and unfortunately my data shows that they rarely turn to specialists. But psychotherapists know how to help them, and the sooner a person decides to start therapy, the better.

Source: Huffington Post