You invest so much in them, come up with a bunch of entertainment, drive to the movies, think about where to go with them on the weekend so that the child can spend time usefully and not be bored. And in response he looks at you with despondency and only shrugs his shoulders at all the questions: “I don’t care.”
I got sick. Child, girl, 6 years old. She has everything that his parents, for example, could only dream of in childhood. The family lives, if not in luxury, but in comfort. She is entertained with all her might – and no return. Not the slightest movement that would indicate that parenting efforts are in any way appreciated. You waste time, money, mental strength, your whole world revolves around her alone, and she … And as if everything is twisting in her stomach from resentment: why is she so ungrateful?
Psychologist tried to answer the question of what parents should do with their resentment and ungrateful child. Especially if conversations on the topic do not help: the child still wants to do only what he wants. Or falls into despondency, depression, looks at the world with exceptional longing.
“I am 41. My parents were very concerned about my well-being. Physical. But to be honest, my brother and I have never set the tone for family entertainment. My father loves to look at churches (especially the old ones. And the ancient ones), and we spent quite a few weekends looking for a church that my father heard about somewhere. My brother and I sat in the back seat without any gadgets, listening to music that our mother liked.
Nobody asked us if we like this weekend. Nobody asked if we were interested in buttresses or naves. We knew that we were going, and no one set himself the goal that we were the ones to enjoy. Were we bored? Sure. But now my brother and I sometimes like to look at a beautiful church. Something from these walks remained in us.
So here it is, the previous generation of parents: they didn’t really care about making their children happy. And now? Parents are simply obsessed with entertaining their child.
Excursions, parties, vacations and vacations – parents’ lives are completely child-centered. We plan our weekends at our own expense, but so that the children are happy. And this is wrong.
It can take years for a feeling of genuine gratitude to develop. The ability to feel grateful requires high empathy and empathy, requires mental sensitivity. I cannot appreciate what you are doing for me if I cannot understand how you feel.
How reasonable is it to expect a six-year-old to appreciate your sacrifice enough to be grateful for it? That he will match your expectations with his feelings? Hardly reasonable. No, there are, of course, those six-year-olds who are sensitive to the mood of others. But not often.
The average six-year-old seems like a black hole that engulfs all your attention, hopes and dreams – without a trace and without giving back. They are unhappy and ungrateful. Why is that? Is your child born selfish? No, not at all. He is a child. Of course, he thinks first of all about himself, and not about your feelings. He would have to understand himself for a start. And you are trying to give him too much. As much as he doesn’t really need. You’re trying too hard.
He needs you to stop trying to make him happy. Stop planning entertainment for him. Forget your grudges. And stop talking to him about the need to be grateful. What for? It doesn’t work.
The more we try to please the child, the more we provoke him into bad behavior. Our desire to make him happy at any cost makes us dependent on the child’s mood. Children begin to control our moods, our plans, destroy our self-confidence and pretty much adjust our lifestyle in general.
It sounds paradoxical, but when you stop spending all your energy on awakening gratitude in your child, your relationship will change for the better. The child will stop feeling as if he is responsible for your feelings. He, of course, will not like that his interests have ceased to be the most important on the agenda. But over time, he will relax. Give him this time.
Finally, take the time to just be with your child. Just talk, just listen to him – no comment or criticism. Read together, take a walk, put together a jigsaw puzzle, dance – do whatever it takes to be there, without preaching. Tactile and eye contact will tell you, better than a thousand words, that your baby is very important to you. And if you just listen to him without criticizing, the child will cease to constantly prove that he is important: this will be clear anyway.
It takes time. Therefore, be patient, be kind to your child. You may have difficult minutes, but rebooting is never easy.
Good luck to you”.