Unfulfilled dreams: why wish cards don’t work?

The main reason is obvious — desires are not fulfilled if they are not fulfilled. Why, then, are people in no hurry to implement them? The answer to this question lies in the peculiarities of our psyche and the benefits of unfulfilled desires. 

Direct Benefits

At the level of physiology and psyche, our desire for stability always outweighs the thirst for change, no matter how cool they are. The unconscious seeks to keep us the person we are and at the level where we are. 

The fact is that such a state is familiar and understandable to the body and brain. While the fulfillment of desires requires new actions, skills, the development of neural connections, the manifestation of cognitive endurance … All this is energy-consuming. Often our body simply cannot afford to spend so many resources.

For example, we want to go on a trip for the New Year. But when everything around is filled with pre-holiday fuss, we have many other goals and objectives, it becomes not up to additional desires. Or a person has worked hard, is tired, he is stressed — then the psyche focuses on saving energy and stabilizing the nervous system, and not on desires. 

Secondary Benefits

Unfulfilled desires are always accompanied by the appearance of secondary benefits. They arise as a reaction to something unpleasant in life.

Let’s remember what happened when we were sick in childhood. On the one hand, it was bad, but on the other hand, we received care and attention from relatives, as well as access to treats that were reserved only for the “sick”. As a result, the indisposition became profitable because it was possible not to go to school, to wallow in bed all day.  

A similar situation occurs in adulthood, when we give up what we want, but in return we get something pleasant or useful. At the same time, all secondary benefits can be divided into three categories:

1. The desire to stay safe, in understandable circumstances

For example, there is no relationship, but you do not need to adapt to another person — you can live as you want. Another option: at work they don’t give a promotion, but at the current place we know absolutely everything and there is no need to learn something new. 

2. Save your environment

Quite often desires, especially large ones, are connected with the fact that we will have to “grow”. And professional and personal growth is always accompanied by changes in the environment. Some of the acquaintances cease to understand us, it will no longer be interesting to talk with someone. Therefore, unconsciously, it is easier for us to give up our desire, but to remain in the circle of familiar people. 

3. Inner attitudes and beliefs

If a person is taught from childhood that expensive, beautiful clothes are only for the rich, travel is for the elite, vacation is once a year and nothing else, then when trying to realize a dream that contradicts inner conviction, he will face an internal conflict. To prevent this conflict from arising, people often give up their desires. 

How these principles work together

Consider the situation — a woman wants a car and sticks an image of her dream car on a wish card.

First of all, the principle of maintaining stability will work, because the acquisition will change her life, especially if she does not have driving practice. You need to think about parking places, where to refuel, how to pass inspection. There will be additional costs. From the point of view of the brain, this is very costly: you need to learn new skills, change your habits …

Next, the principle of conservation of energy will be connected. Is the benefit of the car really greater than all the costs? And if now our heroine is in a tired state, she has a lot of worries, then psychologically it will be easier for her to refuse this acquisition, even if she has money for the purchase.

While there is no car, the head does not hurt about parking, you do not have to think about traffic jams, learn the rules of the road. You can call a taxi at any time and not worry about anything. It seems that without a car there is even more mobility than with one. In addition, the money that is set aside for a car may be needed for other purposes.

It is also worth noting the fears associated with the safety of the driver on the road, and indoor units. For example, we can recall the statements that women drive badly, that it is dangerous, because there are accidents all around. Yes, and the environment of a woman can support the idea that driving is a man’s business. All these benefits and attitudes will work against the fulfillment of desire. 

What to do?

 To realize the desires that will lead to changes in life, try to find a sense of stability. This can be done through rituals that will be repeated day after day and will give you a sense of confidence. The easiest of them is charging in the morning.

At first it may seem that they are not. But, if, despite all the attempts, you still have not realized your desires or are not taking any actions to achieve your goals, they definitely exist. 

Strong internal blocks and negative beliefs about desires will help to remove therapy. Or you can ask yourself the question: are my beliefs always true? It turns out that in most cases — no. But every rule has exceptions, and perhaps you will become one of them.

In case of burnout or chronic fatigue, first of all think about replenishing resources. It is useless to try to run a marathon if the body is exhausted. It’s the same with desires. If you are tired, it is useless to move towards them. 

To recover, it is necessary to establish a schedule of work and rest. Discipline in relation to the regime of the day and taking care of the physical body will help replenish the resource faster. And then you can switch attention to desires.