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A woman prepares dinner after work, while her husband watches TV at the same time … A familiar picture? He says that he earns more and therefore has the right to rest. And monotonous housework shifts to a less financially successful wife. How can partners agree if they are in such a situation?
Traditional marriage implies that the husband fully provides for the family, and the wife takes care of the house and children. However, in the current economic situation, it rarely happens that the salary of one of the partners is enough to support even two people, therefore, in most families, both spouses work.
At the same time, discrimination against women in the sphere of work has not disappeared anywhere. The wage gap between men and women in different countries ranges from 13 to 50% *, and the level of salary offered to a woman is influenced by the fear of the employer that the employee will go on maternity leave. And often the Russian family is arranged in such a way that the immediate breadwinner is the husband, and the wife’s salary goes to her needs and only slightly increases the family budget. And although the employment of both spouses may be the same, in many ways it is the woman who, by default, falls on the “second shift” to work at home. This unpaid work takes women, on average, about four and a half hours a day, while men take only an hour and a half**.
Personal experience
Nadezhda, 48, who has been working as a manager for about 20 years, shared her story. At first, the woman earned more than her husband, but soon Vitaly began to move up the career ladder, and Nadezhda preferred stability and work in a friendly team. Good relations with her superiors allowed her to take days off and leave work earlier to take care of the children when they were small.
“Vitaly gets almost three times more, he invests more money in the family budget and large purchases, we live in his apartment. I also give part of my earnings to the “common pot”, but I still have a house and children,” says Nadezhda.
The couple work according to a standard schedule – five days a week from 9:00 to 18:00, but now Nadezhda is more often late in the office. “I come home from work and do household chores until night: I cook food, wash things, put things in order. And Vitaly reads newspapers or plays online games. He does not want to equally share household chores, since his contribution to the budget is greater, ”she admits.
On this basis, conflicts often arise between Nadezhda and Vitaly: the man is dissatisfied with his wife’s overwork and her low income, and Nadezhda is not satisfied with the lack of help in household chores from her husband.
The unspoken rules
According to psychologist Elizaveta Filonenko, in families, each spouse often takes into account income and expenses in his own way and has an approximate idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthe partner’s budget. Disciplined couples can take into account the overall spending – more often this is done by a more organized partner.
For example, if both spouses work in the family, then one of the spouses keeps records – his own and the general part of the budget. In this case, the distribution of the budget occurs with the help of an unspoken agreement. “Spouses do not sit down at the negotiating table, and the system is built spontaneously: once or twice a person paid, for example, for a child’s school or for a communal apartment, and this stuck with him,” the psychologist explains.
It is not uncommon for spouses to have very different attitudes to finances. When the views on money are diametrically opposed, it is difficult for partners to agree on a single accounting system.
Why discuss money and household chores
Unequal income in the family is a common problem, but it is rarely discussed openly, says Elizaveta Filonenko. Therefore, hidden dissatisfaction usually grows in a couple about who and what does for the family. There is a feeling of injustice due to the fact that investments – financial and mental and time – are not equal.
The psychologist recommends having an honest conversation with a partner about the distribution of expenses and housework, since it is precisely because of omissions that resentment and unjustified expectations are born. “The agreement on the division of household work and financial contribution should be convenient and harmonious for a particular couple,” she urges.
What will help the couple to agree?
- Accurate understanding of yourself, your expectations, attitudes, desires and emotions.
- The ability to hear another, to exist in the format of a dialogue, not a monologue.
- Communication skills are ways of communicating that allow you to communicate respectfully and clearly with each other.
Unequal contribution to the family budget: a solution to the problem
The family runs a common household, so one of its members simply cannot physically live much better than the other: eat differently or relax. There may be a bias, but, as a rule, it is not so significant, notes Elizaveta Filonenko.
In order to avoid a feeling of injustice, the psychologist advises making investments in the budget symmetrical – when both partners give an equal amount to the general budget, and the rest is spent at the request of each. However, this method is possible if the couple does not have children.
“If there are children in the family, then investments cannot be measured by purely material indicators. Someone earns more and invests in the family with money, while the other invests more time and energy in the family, household and children. It is no longer possible to try to equalize and measure it in numbers,” she says.
If the husband and wife began to keep material scores, then we can say with confidence that problems appeared in their relationship.
According to the psychologist, women really take on a double burden – not only because in some cases they earn less, but also because it is customary in a patriarchal society. A woman does housework after work, while a man, when he comes home, believes that he is “on vacation”.
It is important not to take on household chores by default. The economic burden, especially when both spouses work, is an issue that should be resolved with the help of an agreement, and not with reference to traditions, the psychologist says.
Often a partner who earns less will compensate for a small contribution to the overall budget, for example, with housework, emotional “service”, caring for children.
“However, if both partners are equally busy in terms of time, then this will not work. A more “poor” financial partner will simply be overwhelmed. Fatigue and a sense of injustice is a poison that gradually destroys the space of the family, ”she sums up.
* Global Gender Pay Report http://www3.weforum.org/docs/WEF_GGGR_2020.pdf
** Data from the International Labor Organization (ILO) https://rg.ru/2019/04/08/skolko-vremeni-tratiat-zhenshchiny-na-domashniuiu-rabotu.html
About expert
Elizabeth Filonenko – family psychologist, author of books and trainings on the psychology of relations between spouses, parents and children, host of the Psychological Council podcast. Her .