Sometimes we ourselves do not fully understand what really excites us. The partner asks what fantasy we would like to realize, and we do not even find what to answer.
“Sexual fantasies can take many forms. Some of my patients have fanciful fantasies, while others have more sensual fantasies. Some people imagine sex with other partners, some imagine unusual situations with their current partner,” says New York-based sex therapist Jan Kerner, author of She Comes First. How to please a woman.
The list of the most common fantasies includes role-playing games, domination and submission, group sex, game violence and voyeurism, sexologists say. But not every one of us is aware of his hidden erotic fantasies. And even if we know about them, this does not mean that we would like to implement them. Many, for example, fantasize about sex in a public place, but are not necessarily going to try it in practice.
“Fantasy doesn’t have to come true. Most of my patients do not want to implement them. They just love the erotic fantasy game, alone or with a partner,” says Jan Kerner.
If you want to understand your secret desires, first of all, refer to the earliest memories associated with sex. Think about how you imagined sex then and what seemed attractive to you.
“Your actual sexual experience can also tell you what really turns you on the most. Think of the 5 most vivid sexual situations in life. What do they have in common? What makes them different from everyone else?” – recommends the therapist-sexologist Vanessa Marin.
Lack of regular sexual fantasies is nothing to worry about
Remember also erotic scenes from books, movies, TV shows, porn that you especially remember or caused a strong excitement. What do you most often fantasize about while masturbating?
“Many of my patients initially claim that they do not have sexual fantasies. But when we start discussing what kind of porn they prefer, what kind of erotic stories they read, what sexual experience they consider the most vivid, it becomes clear what they like the most. Therefore, my advice to anyone who wants to better understand their own sexuality is to develop your erotic imagination, let it go, take your time, and soon you will notice how certain ideas and images arise in your head. Do not try to immediately look into the depths of your subconscious. To get started, read erotic stories, watch movies, listen to podcasts. Pay attention to what excites you, ”recommends Jan Kerner.
If you realize that you are fantasizing about quite ordinary sex without frills, this is also completely normal.
“Many are completely satisfied with a sex life without much imagination. Or they may have very simple, not very vivid fantasies. For example, thoughts about sex in the “reverse rider” position periodically arise, but they do not cause strong emotions. The lack of regular sexual fantasies is not at all a cause for concern,” explains Vanessa Marin.