Why do BDSM practices appeal to some of us? Sexologist Irina Panyukova suggests that this is how human sexual evolution continues. And life in big cities plays a special role in this process.
I think the point is that we keep changing, evolving. And if in traditional societies the roles and behavior of men and women are strictly regulated, then in post-industrial societies those men who have such traditionally feminine qualities as psychological flexibility, sensitivity, pliability, and the ability to find a compromise feel better and make their careers more successfully. And women succeed if they are able to be decisive, firm, dominant, stress-resistant – that is, they have character traits that are commonly considered masculine. We are developing towards greater androgyny, a combination of the qualities of both sexes in one person, moving towards the ability to switch from one role to another.
Sexuality can also become a way of knowing yourself. It is this area that allows a mature person to experiment more widely and safely than anywhere else. BDSM appeals to those who are in need of experimentation, as well as recreation and switching to another role. Men and women who do not have real power in their hands may want to try on the role of dominant. BDSM also satisfies the need for bright, strong, unusual experiences. Sexual experiences are rich in themselves, and when they are combined with powerful physical and psychological effects, they form an intoxicating and attractive mixture. But why do some go kayaking for the sake of thrills, while others go looking for a partner who can be whipped? Simply because the degree of severity of needs varies from person to person and at different times. A sound too quiet for a young man may seem unbearably loud to his mother. Feeling strange, unusual impulses in yourself, you should not be afraid, much less try to suppress them. If this is not following fashion, the desire to imitate someone, but deep psycho-physiological needs, then, being suppressed in one area, they will make themselves felt in another and, possibly, distort meaningful relationships. Thus, an overbearing, rough-natured man who forces himself to be a cautious and gentle lover may be intolerant in financial matters or when discussing the upbringing of children. Therefore, it makes sense to listen to your desires, carefully observe them and consciously look for those ways of realizing them that are acceptable for two. However, there a clear distinction between BDSM as a voluntary sexual practice of mature partners and painful sadomasochistic manifestations. Cruelty without taking into account the wishes of the partner and without concern for his safety is completely unacceptable. And if anger and aggression become a condition for someone, without which it is impossible to achieve sexual arousal, if outbursts of rage are interspersed with a dreary, depressed mood, this is an alarm signal: participation in sexual practices should be stopped immediately and contact a psychotherapist and sexologist.
Irina Panyukova, psychotherapist, sexologist, associate professor of the Russian Medical Academy of Postgraduate Education.