Modern women often look for the meaning of life in family happiness and are too dependent on male opinion. What is a “real woman” and what is its purpose, says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova, who has been leading the author’s training “I am alone at home” for many years.
Psychologies: What do participants expect from your training?
Ekaterina Mikhailova: Domestic psychologists have such a fantasy that Russian clients are passive, do not want to work, but expect a miracle, that they are given the finished result. So, I would not say this about my girls 25-40 years old, and even more so about the last ten years. They come to this training to work.
By the way, the first question I ask them is: “What would be important for you to do for yourself during these two days?” Because they will do it. And I just help them as much as I can. In fact, let’s not dissemble — this is not any kind of training. Nobody trains anything and nobody teaches anything. This is a very short, but still psychotherapy.
And the problems that the participants come with change over time?
EM: In the main, no. After all, our culture has not changed yet: it is not only patriarchal, it is also eternally at war. And women in the war zone, by definition, have an unenviable fate. Criminal showdown or tank battle — it doesn’t matter. And the women’s issue has never been raised or resolved on its own, it has always been part of something larger.
For example, at the beginning of the XNUMXth century, the women’s issue was discussed in parallel with national and estate issues: can women (as well as foreigners, lower classes) get an education or vote in elections. But this is always a question about the Other: about how society treats others during this period. And we know how our society treats others. And in recent years, the situation in this sense has only worsened.
There is an illusion about girls that relationships and motherhood will somehow show them the meaning of life, so you don’t have to strain
After all, quite seriously, it is already being said about the permission of polygamy and criminal punishment for concealing pregnancy. So far, it’s only been said, but it means that in any case it’s no longer a shame to say such things … But life is still yours and one, whether in those circumstances or in others. And if we talk about the general qualities of all the women at my trainings, then, probably, I will name a slightly more active and interested attitude towards their own lives: towards their feelings, relationships, past and future — everything.
More active than men?
EM: No, compared to other women. For men, thinking about life and its meaning is, one might say, a socially imputed and approved occupation. Whether you like it or not, you have to. Judge for yourself: from the ninth grade, a child is poked with a physiognomy into a book: come on, tell us about the spiritual quest of the heroes of War and Peace! And there, after all, who has spiritual quests? Pierre, Andrey. And Natasha Rostova — well, what kind of searches are there?
In their youth, of course, smart, reading boys and girls discuss the meaning of life on an equal footing. But still, reflection on the topic “where we live” is a more common thing for men. And in literature, and in philosophy, which is generally more densely populated by men. And about girls, there is often an illusion that relationships and motherhood will somehow present the meaning of life to them, so you don’t have to stress too much.
Do they have a different purpose?
EM: If you listen to the very word “destiny”, you will understand: someone assigned something to someone. Moreover, in advance: pre-appointed. We involve either society, or higher powers, or we take the Freudian definition: «Anatomy is destiny.» But we are always talking about figures of power and authority who know better. And if a woman herself wants to understand something about herself, she will not call it “destiny”, she herself chooses and decides, and does not fulfill someone else’s assignments.
You know, young students sometimes say to me: “But the desire to have children is inherent in nature.” To which I usually ask: “Did nature itself tell you about this?” Of course, there is a biological line, instincts. But the desire to have children in an adult, educated, socialized woman is not only mediated by biology, even if we assume that mother nature really laid something like that in her.
Does a woman’s self-esteem depend on her relationships with men?
EM: Of course, it depends: we like ourselves more when we are loved. And we appreciate our mind more when male colleagues recognize its presence. Whether we like it or not, the imaginary male figure exists, and her opinion matters. Both the function of evaluation and the very right to evaluate are projected onto male figures.
I had a participant who worked intensively on herself: she went to both women’s training and mixed groups. I once asked her: “What is the difference for you?” “Well, well,” she replied. “In mixed groups, you think all the time: how to sit down, what to say.” This is a bit naive, but actually an accurate answer.
For a woman, a man’s assessment, including a professional one, is, whatever one may say, a more important assessment. But the whole question is to what extent we depend on it. If completely — I was not praised today, and I’m already starting to turn sour, I react with real fluctuations in self-esteem — then this is already an addiction.
You talked about addiction, but many of us confuse it with love. How can you tell them apart?
EM: The short answer is that a healthy attachment sustains the other person’s freedom. And therefore, does not use means of control over him, including emotional blackmail. Popular culture under the guise of so-called «true love» is actively introducing a model of emotional dependence. She, this love, is portrayed precisely as «I cannot live without him.»
It is clear that there are many women prone to emotional dependence. And a story about addiction is a story about control. It is known, after all, that the biggest manipulators are those who depend on us: children, non-working wives and elderly parents. Those who have no real leverage.
So, «true love» you do not approve. What do you think of a real woman?
EM: On this topic, I generally refuse to talk! You know, when a cheerful group gathers at the training — and this is always evident — I almost immediately begin by proposing to assemble a «stuffed animal» of the so-called «real woman». Decide together what it is. And so we list the properties of this collective monster, which, of course, cannot exist in nature — until everyone starts laughing. And I openly say: “We will never compare ourselves with this scarecrow. Get out, you fool!» Such is the symbolic burning of an effigy.
Healthy attachment sustains another person’s freedom
«Real woman» is a mythological construction that tells about someone’s mixed fantasies. And adjusting yourself to it is exactly the opposite of the spirit of what I do. When you begin to describe the parameters of these embedded, ideal figures, they very quickly fall apart, because it turns out that the properties from which they are “assembled” contradict each other.
Actually, with a real man, everything is the same. And if you deviate a little towards the conspiracy theory, then it is easy to come to the conclusion that the exploitation of such structures is a sure way to stung living, real people. Any man will not be the same, any woman will not be the same.
But listen! There is no female destiny, there is no real woman, true love is replaced by addiction — how to live something ?!
EM: Think. You can, of course, build a high tower and continuously broadcast from it about the importance of independent thinking. But, I’m afraid, this contradicts the idea of a woman’s independence. I wanted to think — come on, girlfriend, think, read books, come to us. I didn’t want to — well, what can you do. Everyone chooses for herself.