Raising a child or trying to call to order an already grown-up son (or daughter) — a teenager, we, parents, sometimes do not understand the reason for our failures. Why, despite almost daily strict suggestions or gentle explanations, the child behaves, at times, in an utter way and brings a lot of disappointment?
Most adults tend to blame other unqualified adults for problems with raising a child (for example, parents blame kindergarten teachers, school teachers, grandparents, who, in turn, blame parents) … Or they sigh sadly: “What can you do, he is like that ( child) was born to us.
In fact, the box of harmonious relationships with a child opens very simply. We, without realizing it, are constantly shaping the behavior of our children (and all the people around us too). The most important thing is that — unconsciously, without noticing it!
How does this happen? Let’s explain with an example. Mom and son are walking in the yard on the playground, where many other children play. While running around, the baby is accidentally knocked down by an older child. The colliding children rise to their feet and are ready to scatter to continue their game further, but then the mother of the first baby runs up and begins to groan loudly and eloquently and examine her son, throwing angry glances at the other child. What happens next? The child of this woman begins to cry (mother was frightened, which means that I am scared and hurt). The second child looks around (seeking support) and, seeing his mother, also begins to cry.
What are children learning? First: most likely, something really terrible happened, since mom was so scared. Second: if you want to be caressed once again — pretend to be frightened as much as possible and start crying!
Of course, children do not reason in this way, but the attitudes “be afraid to run among other children, collide, fall” and “cry when support is needed” have entered the minds of children and, with repeated repetition by adults, will successfully be fixed in their behavior.
How will a more experienced parent behave? He will not show his fear to the child (while keeping the situation under control) and, if the child demonstrates fear, he will not pay the slightest attention to his fear and with a smile will offer to continue the game further.
The child, not meeting sympathy for his fear, will grow up confident in his abilities and in the obligatory support from his parents in extreme situations.
The child’s psyche can suffer if every time, faced with an unforeseen situation in which the child can «rescue», you behave unpredictably for him. For example, in one case you will be frightened, in another you will be angry at your own formed timid behavior. Not knowing what to expect from you next time, the child will begin to be afraid not only of unfamiliar situations, but also of you at the same time, and will grow up to be cowardly. It turns out that adults, by their own efforts, form the undesirable behavior of children.
Obviously, all this needs to be dealt with.
First of all, let’s understand the terms. In articles about the upbringing and education of children, the concept of “reinforcement” is very common. What is it? Reinforcement is an action or a conditioned signal that accompanies any action of the child and gives him information about the expediency of his act (state). For example, a child, during a trip to the store with his mother, became capricious and, having received a bag of sweets from her, ate them (tasty!) — a positive reinforcement (excellent! I will continue to do this = act up when I want sweets). The child touched the hot iron, accidentally left by his mother, — oh-oh (I won’t go for any more gingerbread!) — a negative reinforcement.
Similarly, the behavior of the child in everyday life is reinforced.
Here is an example. The baby has just learned to walk. She also likes to be in the hands of adults. How to get there? She approaches an adult family member and pulls on clothes. At the same time, she is picked up (positive reinforcement). Two or three repetitions and she understood: if you need to climb into the arms of an adult, you just need to pull on his clothes …
Another example. A first-grader, once staying at home because of a cold, received touching care from his grandmother who came to visit and, in addition, endless viewing of cartoons during the day. On the second day, he said that he had a headache and missed classes again, but at the same time he sat at the TV and computer again, playing games. Conclusion: when you want to stay at home to watch cartoons and play computer games, you have to “get sick”. And your children never get sick from the desire to get more attention, sympathy and communication with a computer or TV?
If your child is unwell and refuses to go to school, you must definitely call a doctor, competently organize care for him (up to bed rest) and be sure to exclude watching TV and communicating with a computer. In such conditions, the child will want to recover much faster.
Do not think that in seeking attention and favors from you with the help of illness, children are necessarily feigning. Reinforcement is a powerful weapon that primarily affects the subconscious and physiological processes occurring in the body.
Have you noticed how you do not want to go to the dentist, although you are absolutely convinced of the need for a visit? On the eve of any unpleasant event, your head hurts, just before the exam, your stomach gets upset … All this is a consequence of the negative reinforcement received during the previous unpleasant event for you. Your body has learned to be afraid!
Think about it: what do you really want: for your child to be really healthy? Or are you subconsciously more attracted to the prospect of heroically fighting the child’s continuous sores, thereby proving to him your devotion and care?
To reduce your child’s chance of getting sick, don’t make him into a hypochondriac by taking care of him too much when he’s sick. Perform all the necessary actions to care for him and, if possible, do not make him any indulgences. Yes, it is possible and necessary to reduce the load, but homework in school subjects must be continued, and under no circumstances should you cancel the previous bans! A sick child, given the opportunity to watch more TV and play computer games than usual, will choose to be sick longer in order not to lose this privilege.
Regardless of our desire and imperceptibly to us, continuously throughout our lives, we are participants in the ongoing process of raising our children, and other family members. Train yourself to constantly notice and evaluate how this or that action of yours reinforces the behavior of the child. We encourage you to be aware of this process and take full responsibility for the behavior of your children.