I want to introduce you to one general principle, without which all attempts to establish relationships with a child are unsuccessful. He will be our starting point. This principle is unconditional acceptance. What does it mean?
You can often hear from parents such an appeal to their son or daughter: «If you are a good boy (girl), then I will love you.» Or: “Don’t expect good things from me until you stop… (be lazy, fight, goo), you start… (study well, help around the house, obey).”
Let’s take a closer look: in these phrases, the child is directly told that he is accepted conditionally, that he is loved (or will be loved), «only if …» A conditional, evaluative attitude towards a person is generally characteristic of our culture. This attitude is embedded in the minds of children.
A fifth-grader from Moldova writes to us: “Why love a child then? For laziness, for ignorance, for disrespect for elders? I’m sorry, but I don’t understand this! I will love my children only if … »
The reason for the widespread evaluative attitude towards children lies in the firm belief that rewards and punishments are the main educational tools. Praise the child — and he will be strengthened in good, punish — and evil will recede. But here’s the problem: they are not always trouble-free, these funds. Who does not know this pattern: the more a child is scolded, the worse he becomes. Why is this happening? Because raising a child is not training at all. Parents do not exist to develop conditioned reflexes in children.
Psychologists have proven that the need for love, for belonging, that is, for being needed by another, is one of the fundamental human needs. Its satisfaction is a necessary condition for the normal development of the child. This need is satisfied when you tell the child that he is dear to you, needed, important, that he is just good. Such messages are contained in friendly looks, affectionate touches, direct words: “It’s good that you were born with us”, “I’m glad to see you”, “I like you”, “I love it when you are at home”, “I feel good, when we are together…»
Renowned family therapist Virginia Satir recommended hugging a child several times a day, saying that four hugs are absolutely necessary for everyone just to survive, and at least eight hugs a day are needed to feel good! And, by the way, not only to the child, but also to the adult.
Of course, such signs of unconditional acceptance are especially necessary for a child, like food for a growing organism. They feed him emotionally, helping to develop psychologically. If he does not receive such signs, then emotional problems, deviations in behavior, and even neuropsychiatric diseases appear.
The mother of a five-year-old girl, having discovered symptoms of neurosis in her daughter, went to the doctor. In the conversation, it turned out that one day the daughter asked: “Mom, what was the biggest trouble you and dad had before my birth?” «Why are you asking like that?» mother was surprised. “Yes, because then, after all, I became your biggest trouble,” the girl answered.
Let’s try to imagine how many dozens, if not hundreds of times, this girl heard before coming to a similar conclusion that she was «not like that», «bad», «tired of everyone», «a real punishment» … And everything experienced was embodied in her neurosis .
We do not always follow our appeals to children. Once, a penitential letter from his mother was published in the Teacher’s Newspaper: she realized belatedly that she had inflicted a spiritual wound on her son. The boy left home, writing in a note not to be looked for: «You yourself said that you are better off without me.» This is how children literally understand us! They are sincere in their feelings, and give absolute sincerity to any phrase spoken by an adult. The more often the parents get annoyed with the child, scold him, criticize him, the faster he comes to the generalization: «They don’t like me.» The arguments of parents like: “I care about you” or “For your own good” children do not hear. More precisely, they can hear the words, but not their meaning. They have their own, emotional, accounting. The tone is more important than words, and if it is sharp, angry or just strict, then the conclusion is always unambiguous: “They don’t like me, they don’t accept me.” Sometimes this is made out for the child not so much in words, but in a feeling of being bad, “not like that”, unhappy.
Let’s see what the “rejection complex” develops into as children grow up. Here is an excerpt from a letter from a fourteen-year-old girl.
“I don’t believe that there can be friendly relations with my mother. My least favorite days are Saturday and Sunday. Mom scolds me these days. If she spoke to me like a human instead of yelling, I would understand her better … She can also be understood, she wants to make a good person out of me, but she gets an unfortunate one. I’m tired of living like this. I ask you for help! Help me!!!»
Resentment, loneliness, and sometimes despair are heard in the letters of other guys. They talk about the fact that their parents are “not friends” with them, they never speak “humanly”, “poking”, “yelling”, they use only imperative verbs: “do it!”, “clean it up!”, “bring it!” , «wash!». Many children no longer hope for an improvement in the situation at home and are looking for outside help. Turning to the editors of newspapers and magazines (“Help!”, “What should I do?”, “I can’t continue to live like this!”), All children change names to one, do not give a return address. “If the parents find out, they will kill.” And through all this, notes of warm childish concern for parents sometimes break through: “How to calm her down?”, “It’s also difficult for them”, “She can also be understood …”. True, this is mainly written by children under the age of thirteen or fourteen. And those who are older are already hardened. They just don’t want to see their parents, they don’t want to be under the same roof with them.
A tenth grader writes:
“I often read in magazines and newspapers that, they say, more attention should be paid to children. Nonsense. I, and many of my peers, are happy to be alone at the slightest opportunity. You go and think: “If only they weren’t at home…”. On Sunday in my head: “Lord, it’s better to study an extra day!”.
What do parents feel? How do they live? They have no less bitterness and resentment: “Not life, but one torment …”, “I’m going home like on a battlefield”, “I stopped sleeping at night — I’m crying …”
Parents often ask:
“If I accept a child, does that mean I should never be angry with him?”
I answer. No, it doesn’t. In no case should you hide and even more accumulate your negative feelings. They must be expressed, but expressed in a special way. And we will talk a lot about this later. For now, I would like to draw your attention to the following rules:
You can express your “dissatisfaction with individual actions of the child, but not with the child as a whole.
It is possible to condemn the actions of the child, but not his feelings, how undesirable or «impossible»
Dissatisfaction with the actions of the child should not be systematic, otherwise it will develop into rejection of him.
Believe me, even if things have gone to such extremes, extremes for both sides, all is not lost: parents can bring peace back to the family. But for this you have to start with yourself. Why from yourself? Because adults have more knowledge, the ability to control themselves, more life experience.
Of course, parents need help too. I hope that you will receive this help in the course of all our studies. And now let’s try to understand what reasons prevent parents from unconditionally accepting a child and showing it to him.
Perhaps the main one is the attitude towards “education”, which has already been discussed above.
Here is a typical remark of one mother: “How am I going to hug him if he has not yet learned his lessons? First discipline, and then good relations. Otherwise, I’ll ruin it.»
And mom takes the path of criticism, reminders, demands. Who among us does not know that most likely the son will react with all sorts of excuses, delays, and if the preparation of lessons is an old problem, then with open resistance. Mom from seemingly reasonable «pedagogical considerations» falls into a vicious circle, a circle of mutual dissatisfaction, growing tension, frequent conflicts.
Where is the error? The mistake was at the very beginning: discipline is not before, but after the establishment of good relations, and only on the basis of them. What and how to do this, we will discuss later. And now I will mention other possible reasons for the emotional rejection or even rejection of the child. Sometimes parents are unaware of them, sometimes they are aware of them, but they try to drown out their inner voice.
There are many such reasons. For example, a child was born, so to speak, unplanned. His parents did not expect him, they wanted to live «for their own pleasure»; and now they don’t really need it. Or they dreamed of a boy, and a girl was born. It often happens that the child is responsible for the broken marital relationship. For example, he looks like a father with whom his mother is divorced, and some of his gestures or facial expressions cause her a dull dislike.
A hidden reason may also be behind the increased «educational» attitude of the parent. It can be, for example, the desire to compensate for one’s life failures, unfulfilled dreams, or the desire to prove to the spouse and all the household one’s extreme necessity, indispensability, «the weight of the burden» that one has to bear.
Sometimes in such cases, the parents themselves need the help of a consultant. But anyway, the first step can and should be done on your own, to think about the possible reason for your rejection of the child. And the next steps will be the tasks to which we have approached.
Hometasks
Task one
See how well you manage to accept your child. To do this, during the day (and preferably two or three days), try to count how many times you turned to him with emotionally positive statements (joyful greeting, approval, support) and how many with negative ones (reproach, remark, criticism). If the number of negative calls is equal to or outweighs the number of positive ones, then not everything is going well with your communication.
Task two
Close your eyes for a minute and imagine that you are meeting your best friend (or girlfriend). How do you show that you are happy with him, that he is dear and close to you? Now imagine that this is your own child: here he comes home from school and you show that you are glad to see him. Represented? Now it will be easier for you to actually do this, before any other words and questions. It’s good if you continue this meeting like this for a few more minutes. Don’t be afraid to «spoil» him during those minutes, it’s completely unthinkable.
Task three
Hug your child at least four times a day (regular morning greetings and kisses at night do not count).
Note: It’s a good idea to do the same for adult family members.
Task four
In completing the two previous tasks, pay attention to the child’s reactions, and to your own feelings too.