Adolescence is a difficult time. Both for teenagers themselves and for their parents. It is during this period that the separation process reaches its peak. We tell you how to overcome it without loss.
Adolescents aged 17–20 can no longer be called children, they are formed individuals with their own picture of the world, who can make independent decisions and take responsibility for their lives.
Unfortunately, not all parents understand this: many do not respect personal space (they come in without knocking, stay in the room, even if you are busy and asked to leave); do not respect personal time (they load things without knowing in advance whether you have plans); in every possible way ignore the fact that you are an adult (belittle your independence, dispute all actions, overreact emotionally when you disagree with them, and do not accept the fact that you have a different picture of the world). All of the above are signs of a lack of emotional and value separation from parents.
Separation is a gradual process of psychological separation from parents
One of the most important stages of separation is the physical one (moving away from parents and self-supporting). However, not everything is so simple: before the age of 22, many are still studying. Someone, of course, moonlights or even works, but there is still not always enough money for an independent life. At this age, it is extremely difficult to move out and start a financially independent life. And even when you move out, it is not a fact that the separation will begin.
Alina, 27 years:
“From the age of 15, I dreamed of leaving home, because my mother was never happy with me: I didn’t clean like that, didn’t study like that, didn’t look like that. When I complained to her that they called me “fat” at school, she said that they were not offended by the truth. I constantly felt guilty, even when I was sick, because I had to spend money and buy medicines.
I moved out at the age of 20 and realized that I needed to separate from my mother. I started this process on my own by keeping a diary and thinking. However, my mother still puts pressure on me, for example, in terms of children: “Why haven’t you given birth yet? The child could already go to school!”
Commentary of Gestalt therapist Anastasia Gurneva:
First of all, we note that separation is not a point on the ground, but a process, an interaction unfolding between the two sides. This happens not only in adolescence, but, in fact, throughout life: for example, a baby begins to walk and is separated in space, a seven-year-old goes to school and is separated in relation to society and grades.
In order for the separation to take place and take place in the most non-traumatic way, it is important that both parties treat each other with the utmost care.
This care can be built on the basis of the view that both parties are working towards the same task — so that in the end the teenager becomes independent, finds his own identity, his own path in life.
Of course, this is not easy, because in order to find ourselves, we need not only to know who we are, but also to understand who we are not. And most often, what a teenager opposes himself to is precisely parental values, world order and identities.
It is the parents who become the people from whom teenagers start off like from a pier, setting off on their free journey.
Dealing with rejection, condemnation and rejection is difficult, but parents should be careful: respect the opinions of others, recognize differences and adapt to them.
The result of separation is not only autonomy, but also interdependence, that is, not a total rejection of each other, but the rise of relations to a new level.
Here are a few questions for parents to help you guess how separation will work for you.
How stable are you in your opinions and values, do you perceive another opinion as an attack on yours, do you believe that there is only one truth?
Can you handle the alienation and emotional independence of a teenager without feeling left out?
Can you withstand the aggression of protest, disagreement?
What interests you in the life of a teenager, what do you know about it?
Are you ready to face yourself and your world after your teenager grows up and moves on with his life? Is your life filled with something positive enough?
It is much easier to start the separation process at a distance, because in this case it is much more difficult for parents to control you.
But what if you are under the same roof?
In this case, Anastasia Gurneva invites teenagers to answer the following questions.
Have you found your values, interests and direction in life?
Can you talk about this with your parents in a way that does not devalue them, but just talk about yourself and your views on life?
Are you ready to take responsibility for yourself, and if so, in what area of life?
Can you agree with your parents what it will be? In what area are you ready to take responsibility for yourself and what will happen if you fail?
Have you noticed that sometimes taking responsibility, showing your independence and fulfilling your duties do not contradict each other? This is how parents will see that you are an adult.
One way or another, apart from very pathological stories, separation occurs, the only question is how painful this experience can be.
Text: Anastasia Shvedko