Is it possible to make someone else fall in love with you by manipulating his emotions? Of course, and this is one of the oldest ways in history. Nowadays, the old strategy is taking on new forms and is actively used in online dating. How can we recognize that we are being played with, and what do such games say about a person?
Playing on the feelings of other people, former lovers, and now best friends, weave intrigues, bring together and quarrel others for the sake of their own interests. The French novel Dangerous Liaisons, first published 238 years ago, consists of letters from two heroes – representatives of the aristocracy. We can say with confidence that the strategy of “conquer me” then was definitely comprehended by someone and used as a tactic in amorous games.
“The less we love a woman, the easier she likes us” – Pushkin’s lines from the novel “Eugene Onegin” are replicated and have long become a saying. The poet himself described his hero as a master of “the science of tender passion.” Depicting certain emotions and manipulating secular beauties, Eugene had fun with intrigues until he himself got bored with it.
In the XNUMXth century, after wars and revolutions, we have not completely lost these skills. In addition to people who loved and experienced the whole gamut of feelings sincerely, there have always been and will be those who prudently act move by move, luring a partner and playing on his or her feelings.
Today, in the era of Tinder and online dating, old strategies are blossoming in a new format. Just like hundreds of years ago, someone falls into the traps set, and someone gets great pleasure from the game, which gives a feeling of control and power, feeds the ego and the narcissistic side of the personality.
Manipulations in online dating
Professor of psychology Omri Gillat considers these and other techniques to be variations on the old strategy: show interest, and then portray impregnability, forcing a person to run after you.
Bradcrambling – translates as “crumbs”. This strategy is used when you are already “addicted” to communication and have shown interest. You get attention – but in doses, bit by bit, so that you stay “on the hook.” For example, a new friend from Tinder never asks for a date, but also does not stop the playful correspondence, resuming it whenever you are ready to give up and switch to another.
Benching – literally “bench”. An online beau met up with you and the date was promising. But after that, he “hangs”, testing other candidates, and keeps you in uncertainty, does not disappear completely, but does not go for further rapprochement.
Orbiting – this is when, after active correspondence, a couple of dates or even nights, the partner stops responding to messages, but remains somewhere “in orbit” – for example, likes and comments on your posts on social networks.
Hosting – for sure, everyone who had the experience of online dating faced a situation where, in the process of normal, as it seems to you, communication, a person disappears – dissolves like a ghost (hence the term). Nothing foreshadowed, but he disappeared without explanation, leaving you with an unclosed gestalt.
Fabbing – switching attention from the interlocutor to your smartphone. An indirect message or that he bored you or that it takes more than a long story about the meanness of an ex-wife to attract your attention.
What is it about mom?
Together with colleague Jeffrey Bowen, Gillat conducted a study that confirmed the relationship between attachment style and a person’s tendency to play such games. Attachment theory is based on the fact that from the moment of birth, the baby is completely dependent on the adult. The child becomes attached to him – and his further ability to trust himself and others, to build relationships with people depends on how exactly.
Since, as a rule, the mother takes care of the baby in the first years of life, it is with her that this or that style of his attachment is formed. Psychologists distinguish four styles. One of them is called avoidant, or detached. It is formed if the needs of the child were not satisfied, the adult did not respond to the cry. A small person adapts to this, but, growing up, suppresses the need for love, is not able to express his feelings, is distrustful and avoids intimacy.
People with this attachment style tend to feign inaccessibility and use “win me” tactics. This is how they manage their psychological vulnerability: games allow them not to make a frightening rapprochement.
Their bait is most often “pecked” by those who have formed an anxious or restless attachment. If an adult behaved unpredictably, could either caress or frighten the child and his logic was inaccessible to the baby, then an anxious person grows up who feels lonely without people, but also experiences many different emotions in relationships, prone to addiction.
He will unconsciously strive for someone who, like his mother once, shows either attention, or indifference and coldness. Communication with a psychologist and inner work on understanding your type of attachment and weaknesses in dealing with such manipulators can help you get out of the vicious circle and find a partner with whom it will be possible to build a healthy relationship.
Is this good or bad?
Those who have had negative experiences with such manipulators will say that these games can be cruel. If one person shows sincere feelings, and another uses it, this is already an unequal situation. But there is no winner or loser in it. One hides behind a strategy because he is unable to cope with his fear – a deep fear of opening up and entering into a normal relationship. And the other has enough courage to go for rapprochement and allow himself to show sympathy, but at the same time becomes vulnerable, can “burn himself”.
But there are those for whom impregnability is not a strategy, but an instinct for self-preservation. She helps them control the situation. For example, when they experience fear and distrust in others due to a previous traumatic relationship – especially if they have experienced abuse. And then the detached position is not an attempt to trap and enjoy power over another, but a way to protect yourself and make sure that a new acquaintance or acquaintance will be a safe and reliable partner.
There will always be someone who is not interested (we read – scary) to sincerely live their feelings, enjoy romantic attraction, build close and trusting relationships, finding a reliable and loving friend in the person of a partner.
By hiding their weaknesses and fears behind a rapture of power and a sense of control, they can entertain themselves with manipulation, turning human interaction into a game of chess. But do they still win? Before doing something like this, ask yourself if you really want to play the relationship game and will it lead to the connection you really want?