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The philosopher Umberto Galimberti reflects on why there is no addiction to sex, and falling in love is a pathology, and insists that in fact there is one in love, not two: thanks to love, we gain access to our irrational part, which otherwise would remain hidden from us.
Sex drive is not a disease
Sexual attraction and aggression are two passions that nature binds us with. The first is needed to continue the race, the second — to protect offspring. We tolerate them, do nothing with them, that’s why we talk about them. Religions, by controlling gluttony, sexual desire and aggression, thereby control the order in society, saying that sexual relations between a man and a woman involve monogamy. But since they do not withstand any framework, various crimes begin to be committed: treason, rape …
Science in 800 AD begins to view sexual desire as something akin to a disease, as in relation to syphilis and, even earlier, to masturbation. Since then, what was a sin for religion has become a disease for science. And sexual desire is eternally punished. Or even called addiction.
For me, addiction is what answers the Freudian formulation of forced repetition.: I smoke, I’m addicted, and if you look at my receptors, you can see that they are depleted of nicotine. We can talk about addiction only in connection with biology. And in connection with sexuality, it would be better to talk about the fragility of our limitations. The one who, seeing a beautiful girl, does not limit himself to fantasies, but has to jump into her bed, has broken the defense and overcome the restraining factors.
Infantile love
So I don’t think sex addiction exists until I’m shown receptors that respond to sex. If an addiction is not biological in nature, it is not an addiction. If you need to jump into bed with every beauty, then the «protection» is very modest. But falling in love is pathology and delirium. It lies in the idea that the world can become better or worse depending on the presence of a particular person in it. One person cannot change the world, and whoever thinks otherwise is crazy.
There is no addiction to sex. But love is a pathology and delirium
Freud says that love is a disease with one advantage: it does not last long. In contrast, psychological dependence comes from the fact that I do not have any idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbmyself and my personality is provided to me by the one who loves me. If he leaves and is no longer under my control, I no longer know who I am. This means that love for us has remained in an infantile form: when the baby does not see the mother, he worries, assuming that she has died. That is, my “I” can feel calm only when I am sure of the existence of my “half”. This is not love.
We are monads without windows and doors
It is believed that love concerns two people, but it is not. As Plato says in the «Feast»1, love is the relation of the rational part of me with the non-rational one. When you invade the irrational part of me, I love you, when in fact I love the irrational part of me. Love is the context in which I enter into a dialogue with this irrational part of me. It turns out that love never happens between two, but it was thanks to you that I was able to get to the notorious irrational part of myself.
«Love is a disease with one advantage: it does not last long» Sigmund Freud
We are monads without windows and doors. There is no «I-you» relationship, but at the same time, «you» is Virgil, who accompanies Dante to hell and is the guarantee of his return to earth. After all, the fact that I have reached the irrational part of myself does not mean that I can get out of there. Therefore, I need a person whom I trust; therefore, not everyone makes love, because not everyone we can trust.
Maturity is the ability to perceive others
I would describe immaturity like this: instead of loving you, I love my desire. The infant perceives his mother as an extension of his body, designed to satisfy his desires. Growing up means learning to accept others.
A woman was created for two, a man was created only for himself.
Maturity is the ability to find relationships, and not just the satisfaction of their desires, from food and sex to relationships with other people. The sexual attraction that comes from the computer and pornography is not mature: a person achieves satisfaction without giving pleasure to another person and without paying the corresponding price in order to be with him. I do not believe that a mature person could find pleasure in rape, because I assume that making love is only possible if I am chosen.
The woman embodies the relationship
The model of a male getter and a female getter is bullshit a man can achieve sexual arousal only if a woman chooses him. I can say yes to someone who already loves me, but it will be difficult for me to charm someone else. A woman, even if she is barren, is created for two, while a man is created only for himself. And men who think that by wooing women they can conquer anyone, they really conquer this «any» and envelop her with charm, from which she will then wake up. A woman is a structural embodiment of relationships, and a man is an individual, it is difficult for him to establish these relationships.
More often we make love for knowledge. We use sexual attraction to assert ourselves, to confirm our identity. If we don’t have it, we are forced to acquire it again: this “eternally empty earthen jar”, as Plato said, must be refilled every time …
1 Plato «Dialogues» (Eksmo, 2015).