They say that laughing at yourself is a rare gift available to the elite. Perhaps that is why most of us prefer to play pranks on others. But for some reason, some jokes amuse and inspire, while others hurt. Where is the line between humor, irony and sarcasm? How to resist other people’s witticisms and why are we often ready to «kill» with a word?
“In my family, sarcasm is a way to get away from a direct answer and conversation. My husband doesn’t like to talk at all,” says 42-year-old Maria. It’s easier for him to say something relatively funny and short. This is a way not to be involved in the discussion, to show that you don’t care. And it seems you can’t argue: the person answered something to you, did not remain silent. But it feels like being doused with ice water. And you stand, wet, and think: “What was that?” I didn’t think about it before, but then I realized that I was offended.”
Why do you need sarcasm
Sarcasm in Greek means «to tear flesh». It sounds creepy, but it captures the essence quite accurately. Probably only sadists and masochists are capable of enjoying the fact that someone is tearing someone’s flesh. This activity is not for the faint of heart. And they tend to react without enthusiasm. “Sarcasm makes it possible to intelligently, not with fists, but in a word, give in the eye. It allows you to climb into the soul without anesthesia and turn it with a scalpel several times. It is always from anger, with sharp corners, painful hints. Sometimes out of hate. This is a veiled form of aggression,” says trainer and expressive psychotherapist Marik Khazin.
Someone thinks that the caustic style gives a special charm to speech or image. But if you think about it, what feelings do we evoke with a sharp word in the object of ridicule? It is hardly pleasure and gratitude. That is why Mary is so offended when every time her husband douses her with a tub of wit. After all, in fact, the purpose of sarcasm is to hurt, sometimes unconsciously.
Sarcasm is bile and poison, says Marik Khazin. Ekaterina (47 years old) agrees with him: “As an experienced sarcasmoball player, I have recently tried to avoid it. I think it corrodes like rust. It was a habit that masked vulnerability well. Corrodes both, but first of all the one who speaks and gets used to thinking in this vein.
We hide different feelings and emotions behind it: resentment, pain, anger, hostility, disgust.
“These are normal feelings. They are constructive, but not expressed, — explains Marik Khazin. — It would be much easier to sit opposite each other and admit: «I’m angry with you on 18 points.» “Are you angry? Perfectly. I agree with points 1, 2, 17, but not with point 18.” Everything is a direct dialogue, there are no reticences and hints in it. It has pure energy. But when I don’t say out loud what I think and feel, I get offended, keep silent or start to take revenge. By holding emotions in ourselves, we, figuratively speaking, poison our body with bile and still manage to splash it in the face of others. Who benefits from this? Nobody.
How to distinguish sarcasm from irony and humor
“For example, people gathered, someone saw something on the street, came, shared it, painted it. Everyone laughs, no one wants to hurt and offend anyone, — explains psychologist, psychodramatherapist Natalya Ruzlyaeva. “It also happens when someone tells a joke and you understand the joke that was hidden until the end and feel the pleasure that you figured it out. Humor brings joy.»
Irony helps to delicately, carefully hint another at some kind of miscalculation, awkwardness, mistake. For example, the same anecdote with subtext, told in time, defuses the situation, reduces the degree of heat. The meaning is clear to all those present and the most at fault. There is no desire to humiliate or punish him. After a good dose of irony comes inspiration. When someone notices the mistake of another, but cannot or does not want to speak about it correctly and ironically, a caustic joke is sent, and not everyone laughs at it. And the object of ridicule itself, as a rule, experiences strong unpleasant emotions — resentment, anger, shame.
A sarcastic message raises the temperature, brings it to a boiling point, strikes at the most painful place, besides, in front of everyone. “Such messages have one goal: to destroy, to take revenge, and even in public,” Natalya Ruzlyaeva is convinced.
Sometimes people are driven by the fear of saying something directly, and they, sometimes unconsciously, choose such a Jesuit way to get their point across.
This is a disaster, not the fault of the speaker, but this does not make it any easier for the object of sarcasm. And sometimes it is used to answer the offender, to defend himself.
“I use it as a defense,” says Evgenia, 37, “when I feel defenseless or helpless. He dramatically raises my rating, and I am no longer helpless, but armed.
“It’s just a defense mechanism, it helps the wounded survive,” Elena, 36, supports her. — The mechanism is powerful and mobilizing. The most beautiful metaphors, sharp as Robin Hood’s arrows, hit the target exactly.
Often a sarcastic attack is a cunning maneuver, a desire to hit first so that you don’t get hit at an unexpected moment. There are areas where only such a style is possible — in socio-political journalism, journalism, in politics. 50-year-old journalist Sergei recalls: “In Soviet times, feuilletonists were paid an increased fee, because in the absence of freedom of speech they managed to say a lot, if not everything. In ordinary life, sarcasm is more often used by depressed people who feel their inner inferiority. Mentally healthy people resort to sarcasm, in my opinion, only in exceptional cases.
There are companies where a similar style of communication is adopted. “You either play by those rules or you leave. Because you need to love it and treat it like a game, a kind of verbal ping-pong, otherwise you need to honestly admit that there is no desire and strength to spend energy on verbal battles, and look for another job, ”says Natalya Ruzlyaeva.
Sarcasm as childhood trauma
Sometimes, with the help of sarcasm, one person «discharges» at the expense of another. “To pour out the accumulated anger, he chooses the most harmless and weak. The intensity in the team does not decrease, rather the opposite. It’s good only for one, ”explains Natalya Ruzlyaeva.
But peace does not come for long, adds Marik Khazin. “Sarcasm is an unfinished, unexpressed feeling. At the moment of its expression, the speaker becomes a little easier, but then it covers again. To get rid of it, you will have to talk directly, without half-hints and gloating.
But more often such attacks are not directed at us. Behind every sarcastic person is someone more powerful and powerful, whom he cannot fight back. It can be a boss, wife, mother or father. And then colleagues, partners or even children are elected to drain the accumulated anger, Natalya Ruzlyaeva believes.
People hide pain and vulnerability behind sarcasm. “This is definitely a sign of weakness and the inability to express their anger at the address. He does not appear at 40, he is absorbed «with mother’s milk.» When there are no direct messages to each other in the family, then communication takes place in the form of witticisms.
Not a very healthy environment if parents talk to the child with caustic barbs
From the outside, this may look interesting — constant jokes teach the child to be always on the alert, ready to answer, dodge and not miss a blow — they say, it will come in handy in life. But how much does this create a safe space for him — what parents should give the child? Then he grows up and transfers this style — to shoot back with or without reason — to his family, friendship, work.
In such partnerships, all family members are afraid to get in touch not only with other people’s feelings, but also with their own, the expert is convinced.
How to counter sarcasm
To do this, you have to admit that in some way he hit the mark. “As soon as we get involved in grievances, we immediately lose, giving out what is expected of us — emotions. So we’ve been hooked. But how then to be? For example, we were stung in an offensive way that we do not know how to wear clothes or do not count well. The only way to avoid falling prey to a sarcastic person is to face the fact that it’s true. “Yes, I myself know that I am not a fashionista.” Or «You’re right, my favorite subject in school was definitely not math.» When the fact becomes obvious, a person loses the opportunity and interest to hurt us in the future, touching our Achilles heel from time to time, ”says Natalya Ruzlyaeva.
Sarcasm is cured through frank conversation and humor, says Marik Khazin. Admitting to another what we really feel saves us from long and difficult verbal battles. “Humor makes us more balanced so that we do not go off scale into rationality or excessive emotionality. It allows you to rationally laugh at an emotional problem. In general, a person without a sense of humor is dangerous. I would stay away from him. He is devoid of creativity, lightness and liveliness.
And vice versa, humor helps to defuse the heat, to resolve the brewing conflict. It works XNUMX% against sarcasm. Everyone likes those who have a sense of humor more than those who joke evil. With the former, I like to be around and recharge with energy and positive, I want to stay away from the latter.
However, in life there is a place for everything, but in homeopathic doses, says 35-year-old Alexander. “Humor for me is a barrel of water, irony is a glass of wine, and sarcasm is a drop of vinegar. Only in this dosage will it be beneficial. Without the first, you can’t live at all — you will dry up. The second is necessary for tone and moral stamina, and the third is an extremely useful thing, cauterizing ulcers, expelling worms and disinfecting scratches.