Tyrant children

Attitude of the child king

Under his little air of Saint, your toddler manipulates you through emotional blackmail and feels that he has taken over! He no longer obeys the rules of life at home, gets mad at the slightest annoyance. Worse, all everyday situations end in drama, with punishment and you feel guilty all the time. Don’t panic, tell yourself that children need clearly set limits and rules to grow in harmony. It is for their own good and their future adult life. It is between 3 and 6 years that the child realizes that he is not all-powerful and that there are rules of life at home, at school, in the park, in short in society, in respect.

What is a domestic tyrant child?

For the psychologist Didier Pleux, author of “From the child king to the child tyrant”, the child king corresponds to the child of current families, the “normalized” child: he has everything at the material level and he is loved and pampered.

The tyrant child manifests domination over others and, in particular, over his parents. He does not submit to any rule of life and gets what he wants from Mom and Dad.

Typical profile: egocentric, takes advantage of privileges, does not support frustrations, seeks immediate pleasure, does not respect others, does not question himself, does not help at home …

Child king, future dictator?

Takeover

Tyrant children generally do not commit serious acts. It is more the small victories over parental authority accumulated on a daily basis that sign their absolute power. And when they succeed in taking power at home, parents keep asking themselves how to correct the situation? They may explain, discuss, nothing helps!

Educate without feeling guilty

Studies on the subject by psychologists often point to a education deficitf within the family unit very early on. Simple situations, where the parents have not reacted for lack of time or by saying to themselves “he is too small, he does not understand”, leave the child with a feeling of “anything goes”! He feels in the same omnipotence of toddlers, where he wants to control his parents to do anything!

As psychologist Didier Pleux reminds us, If a 9 or 10 year old kid breaks his favorite toy after a moment of anger, he must be able to face an appropriate response from his parents. If the toy is replaced with the same or repaired, there is no sanction associated with its excessive behavior.

A more appropriate response would be for the parent to make him responsible by explaining to him that he must participate in the replacement of the toy, for example. The child understands that he has exceeded a limit, there is a reaction and sanction from the adult.

Tyrant Child Syndrome: He’s Testing You!

In his actions, the tyrant child only tests and seeks limits by provoking his parents! He waits for a ban to fall to reassure him. He has the idea that what he has just done is not authorized … And there, if you miss the opportunity to take it back, not only will he emerge victorious, but an infernal circle is likely to settle slowly. And that’s rock climbing!

But don’t beat yourself up too much, nothing is final. You just need to realize this in time to readjust the shot. It’s up to you to reintroduce a dose of authority with a precise framework: your child must be able to “submit” little by little to some constraints when he exceeds your educational limits.

Adapt to reality

Manage the behavior of the tyrannical child on a daily basis

Often, before considering consulting a pedopsy, it is good to readjust the small failing behaviors of everyday life. The arrival of a little brother, a new situation where the child can feel abandoned, sometimes promotes this kind of sudden behavior. He can express it other than by drawing your attention to him, by putting himself in all his states, by opposing all day long! It is by repeating the same answers and sticking to them that the child learns to confront a reassuring framework, the law of the adult necessary for his autonomy.

Character under construction

Remember that you are on the front line in its relationship to adults and the rules of social life. The child is in the process of emotional and social development, he is also immersed in an environment where he needs reference points to fully understand him and to check what he can or cannot do.

He must be able to face a precise framework in his family cocoon, the first experimental place serving as a reference for learning the prohibitions and the possible. It is possible to feel loved by confronting a prohibition! Even if you are afraid that you will still be in conflict, at the beginning, hold on! Little by little, your child will acquire the notion of limit and it will go much better if the sanctions are recurrent, they will then be spaced out over time.

Authority without tyranny

Who decides what?

It’s your turn ! Your toddler must understand that it is the parents who decide! Except of course when it comes to choosing the color of your sweater for example: there is a difference between forcing him to put on a sweater in winter, for his health and standing up to him for the color of the sweater …

Children need to feel that they are becoming independent. They also need to dream, to flourish in a family environment that helps them to be more independent. It’s up to you to find the right compromise between a necessary authority, without falling into despotism.

“Knowing how to wait, get bored, delay, know how to help, respect, know how to strive and constrain oneself for a result are assets for the construction of a true human identity”, as explained by psychologist Didier Pleux.

Faced with the omnipresent demands of their little tyrant, parents must remain vigilant. Around 6 years old, the child is still in a self-centered phase where he seeks above all to satisfy his little desires. On-demand purchases, à la carte menus, entertainment and parental entertainment required, he always wants more!

What to do and how to react to a tyrant child and regain control?

Parents have the right and the duty to simply recall a “you cannot have it all”, and not hesitate to remove some small privileges when the limits are crossed! He does not want to comply with a rule of family life, he is deprived of a leisure or a pleasant activity.

Without feeling guilty, the parent sets up a structured framework by sending him a clear message: if the child overflows by a deviant act, reality takes over and a strong act comes to confirm that he cannot constantly disobey.

After 9 years, the tyrant child is more in a relationship with others, where he must give up a little of himself to find his place in the groups he meets. In his free time, at school, his parents’ friends, family, in short all the adults he meets remind him that he does not live just for himself!

He’s a child, not an adult!

The “psy” theories

On the one hand, we find psychoanalysts, in the wake of Françoise Dolto of the 70s, when the child is finally seen as a whole person. This revolutionary theorization follows on from the previous century, years during which young people had few rights, worked like adults and were not valued at all!

We can only rejoice at this progress!

But another school of thought, more attached to behavior and education, points to the perverse effects of the previous one. Too forgotten and abused in the previous century, we went from the child “without rights” to the child king of the 2000s…

Psychologists such as Didier Pleux, Christiane Olivier, Claude Halmos, among others, have been advocating for a few years another way of considering the child and his excesses: a return to “old-fashioned” educational methods, but with a dose of explanation and without the famous unlimited negotiations to which parents have become accustomed without their knowledge!

Behavior to adopt: it is not he who decides!

The famous “he always wants more” is a constant heard in the offices of “shrinks”.

Society increasingly addresses the child himself in his daily communication, you just have to look at the advertising messages! Toddlers become practically the decision makers for the purchase of all the equipment in the home.

Some professionals are sounding the alarm bells. They receive parents and their little King in consultation earlier and earlier. Fortunately, it is often enough to readjust a few bad reflexes at home to avoid the permanent coup!

Advice for parents: determine their own place

So, what place to give to the child in the family? What place should parents reclaim for daily happiness? The ideal family does not exist of course, not even the ideal child for that matter. But what is certain is that the parent must always be the pillar, the reference for the young person in construction.

The child is not an adult, he is an adult in the making, and above all a future teenager ! The period of adolescence is often a time of intense emotion, for parents and for the child. The rules acquired so far will be put to the test again! They therefore have an interest in being solid and digested … Parents must be able to transmit to their child as much love and respect as they have rules in order to approach this period of transition with the adult life that awaits them.

So, yes, we can say it: tyrant children, that’s enough now!

Books

“From the child King to the child tyrant”, Didier Pleux (Odile Jacob)

“King children, never again!” , Christiane Olivier (Albin Michel)

“Authority explained to parents”, by Claude HALMOS (Nil Editions)