The period of a boy’s falling in love with his mother is the most important moment. This is an initiation into masculinity, an awakening of attraction to an object of the opposite sex, a time of great vulnerability. During this period, the father should be next to the child. A father who can lovingly let the child know that the mother belongs to him, and the son — many other women. Unfortunately, not all fathers understand this. And here’s what comes out of it.
The essence of the harmonious passage of the Oedipus complex is the recognition of the power of the father and the period of experiencing the impossibility of being the chosen one of the mother. This divides the boy’s life into «before» — merging with his mother, the desire to return to the intrauterine period, and «after», when, being separated from his mother, he can become autonomous and in the future possess women as a man, and not as a son who is in seeking to merge with the mother.
For this, it is necessary that the father be ready to accept his son during such a necessary, but difficult confrontation. Therefore, a man needs to ask himself questions: “What was my father and what kind of father will I be?”
absent father
Such a father may well be physically present, appear at home, live with his family in the same apartment, but emotionally he is absent. The family for him is like furniture, he did not take on the fatherly role, leaving it to his mother or another man.
The son of an absent father feels abandoned, abandoned. His father abandoned him, which means he does not deserve attention. Such experiences create the basis for low self-esteem. In dire need of a father, the boy will either choose the performers of his role from his environment, or create a completely fictional image of him.
When the father is absent, the necessary confrontation can take place in the symbolic field. The son is angry that he was abandoned, he forms the image of a villainous father. Subsequently, this image will be seen by him in the surrounding men, especially in those endowed with power.
The key to making up for the absence of a father is own fatherhood.
In terms of sexuality, the son of an absent father will experience difficulties with the manifestation of strength and masculinity, fear of women is possible, erectile dysfunction is not uncommon. Partners often tell such a man that he is too soft and gentle, or they cannot really feel his presence, involvement in the process. It is sometimes difficult for such men to remain faithful to the chosen one.
The key to compensating for the absence of a father is his own fatherhood, when a man really takes care of his son, generously shares his time, attention, love. It can also help to have a mentor in a man’s life, a mentor who teaches to live the hardships of life, filling them with meaning.
forbidding father
An overly strict father performs a symbolic castration of his son: only he allows himself to enjoy life, forbidding his son the most important thing — to grow up. As long as the father has all the power, the son remains a little boy in captivity of prohibitions. The father deprives him of the opportunity to relate himself to others, to feel his value. Surrounding always seem to him more worthy.
Such restrictions can begin to haunt the son in all areas of life: in relations with women — sheer taboos, taking risks in business is also not for him. The issue of masculinity remains a painful and poorly explored territory. Such men do not feel independent, it is extremely difficult for them to make decisions based only on their own opinion.
Men of this type are especially tormented by jealousy: everyone, without exception, seems to him more worthy rivals. Depending on the number of prohibitions and how cruel the father was, the sexual characteristics of such men will also be different. Sons of forbidding fathers have erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, and this is a blow (and more than one) to self-esteem. Often such men forbid something to their chosen one: they limit her social circle, choose her outfits themselves.
One of the most important roles of a father is to build a clear and understandable framework in relations with his son. This is the basis of education. However, it is important to do this in the interests of the son. Guided by the desire for power, the desire to subjugate, teach a son a lesson, it is easy to turn into a forbidding father.
cruel father
Many men demonstrate masculinity through the display of cruelty. However, a cruel father is a serious obstacle to the future development of a man. Scenes of violence and humiliation from childhood are remembered for a lifetime, and others seem scary, unprincipled, capable of cruelty. It is for this reason that many men are afraid to become fathers. It seems to them that the father, this raging «clot of cruelty», is imprinted in them at the cellular level, and this monster can come to the fore at any moment, which means that the nightmare from childhood will repeat itself.
Self-affirming at the expense of his son, a cruel father kills his masculinity in the bud. The boy is left with only two ways to behave: to bend before the cruelty of his father or to rise up against her with all his rage. Bending down, he plunges into a pool of shame and self-abasement. Rising, it turns into a bundle of nerves, constant internal tension.
Depending on the chosen path and sexuality will develop accordingly. In the first case, a decrease in sexual temperament is possible, in the second — the idealization of a woman, the perception of her as inaccessible, up to obsessive sexual practices. Any obstacles bring such a man off balance.
At the cost of long and painstaking inner work, the sons of cruel fathers are able to find peace in a new family, in relationships with loved ones, learn to live in joy, and not in a zone of constant hostilities.
Rescue Father
At first glance, the image of a saving father may seem very positive. However, this is a “double bottom” model. Too caring and helpful father does not with his son, but instead of him.
Such a man is too involved in the life of his son, limits his independence and even rejoices at failures: “Well, that’s it! I warned you!” This approach puts the son in a co-dependent position. It is difficult for him to make a decision on his own, the opinion of his father remains the most weighty and decisive.
True, there are also such fathers who, instead of “I warned you,” say: “This is not a mistake, this is an experience,” urging their son to take on all aspects of life, not feeling like a loser from every mistake.
If we translate this message into the field of sexuality, then in the first case, any failure of sexual function will be perceived by a man as a complete collapse and hurt self-esteem. In the second case, the man will try to understand the reason for the failure and, based on this experience, avoid circumstances that threaten his sexuality.
Suffering father
Many men talk about their father as a weak, suffering person. This suffering can be psychological (protracted depression accompanied by alcoholic libations) or somatic (long-term chronic illness). One way or another, the father does not cope with the role of a strong figure, so necessary for the boy.
Often the son, already in his youth, has to take the position of head of the family. The consequences can be different: both a feeling of superiority over others (“I am stronger than my father!”), And relentless longing (the father is a “subscriber out of reach”, absent and detached). Excessive altruism, the desire to make everyone happy can develop. Such people often become doctors, rescuers and representatives of other helping professions.
The image of a suffering father can be the reason that in adulthood the son will not be able to take care of his chosen one, including sexually, expecting that care will be directed to him. Sexuality can be perceived as a complex, burdensome area.
Accomplice Father
The most natural and constructive model: father and son are parts of one community, one circle. They act together, without words they participate in a kind of «secret collusion». The father, as it were, says: “You and I are of the same blood, we obey the same laws, we solve the same problems. Let me show you how it is to be a man, and you will try to become one, but in your own style.
Such a father does not seek to overly secure his son: he understands that from an early age it is important for a boy to cope with an age-appropriate level of uncertainty and frustration. He carefully checks how much this test is on the shoulders of his son, watches how, through overcoming, the boy moves to a new level of development.
Here you feel lightness and freedom, and not attempts to rise and dominate. This path helps a man find his true strength, which is the acceptance of his own vulnerability. This allows him to become sensitive and attentive to loved ones. And on the contrary, belief in invulnerability as the only possible form of strength alienates a man from both his environment and himself, deprives him of the opportunity to accept and experience difficult mental states that allow us to feel truly alive.
In sex, such men do not oppose themselves to a woman, do not seek to subjugate her, surpass her.
Men who have felt themselves part of the male community since childhood have a harmonious and healthy attitude towards women. Mysterious femininity fascinates them, gives rise to a vivid sexual attraction, playing with all shades of curiosity: the desire to possess, to know, to reveal, to seduce.
In sex, such men do not oppose themselves to a woman, do not seek to subjugate her, surpass her. And such a feeling of equality of partners with their strong difference allows you to live a full, rich sex life.
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It is important to understand that for a boy the figure of a father does not exist and cannot be insignificant. Whatever it is: present or invented, speculative, its image plays the most important role in the relationship of the son with the outside world.
Through the image of the father and his attitude towards him, the boy learns what it is: to be a man.