Contents
If we were deceived once, where is the guarantee that this will not happen again? Faced with the betrayal of a loved one, we cannot get rid of this issue. Understanding what leads to infidelity is in many ways the key to answering the question of whether you will continue to be cheated on. We will understand the reasons together with a clinical psychologist.
I think that I, like no one else, can help to understand this issue, because I have accumulated unique experience. I myself have been a cheater, but I am also a clinical psychologist, accustomed to analyzing the motives of human actions — both my clients and my own.
I studied the psychology of infidelity not from textbooks, but from my own experience. I went through the unbearable pain of losing a loved one, my wife, and the subsequent divorce from her. It was a long journey, allowing me to soberly and honestly answer myself the question: “Why did I do this?”
I was lucky, my wife Julia believed me, and we became husband and wife for the second time. Now I can admit to myself what reasons pushed me to infidelity.
I believed that I did not obey the general rules. Yes, I told my clients the right words: if you are not ready to openly discuss the accumulated problems with your partner, then do not expect that he will fix everything alone, without your efforts. As a therapist, I found many reasons to think that this was not the case in my case. I expected a lot from my wife, but I myself remained emotionally distant.
I identified my own importance with my professional success. and turned into a workaholic who believed that Julia loves me only because I can provide her with a comfortable life. These thoughts tormented me and at the same time gave me the right to behave as I please.
In my youth, I treated sex like a drug that helped me forget many difficult episodes.
I decided that my wife was making me unhappy. I felt sorry for myself and blamed Julia for feeling such an inner emptiness. And having tried on the role of a victim, you immediately begin to justify any of your behavior.
I replaced love with sexual fantasies. Even in my youth, I treated sex as a drug that helped me forget many difficult episodes of my childhood and distract myself from problems. Later, when difficulties arose in the marriage and it seemed to me that Julia had turned her back on me, paying all her attention to the children, I returned to him again.
I started going to strip clubs and watching pornography. All this in the end only aggravated my condition, because a real relationship cannot be compared with a sexual fantasy.
I didn’t care about my state of mind. To love someone means to rise above your grievances, heal wounds and become strong in order to take responsibility for yourself and your loved one. For many years, I denied my depression, which had not let me go since my youth. I failed to become a person capable of receiving and returning love. I expected Julia to have a relationship that we couldn’t have because of my inability to open up to her.
This is my story, but everyone who has cheated on a partner has an internal reason for this. Only by realizing it, we gain a chance to save relationships with those who are truly dear to us.
Types of change
Summarizing the experience of my clients and my own, I can say that the answers to the questions “Why did he change?” and «Will he do it again?» largely depend on the type of change.
1. Fantasies and dreams
Most are hostage to trying to hide in a new feeling from pain and unresolved problems with a partner. A random person who has triggered emotions reminiscent of the ups and downs of a rollercoaster seems to be a close friend.
Random change. It is typical for people who do not think too much about their feelings and needs, deny obvious internal problems and are not ready to honestly admit to themselves what they lack in a relationship. Often it is they who decide to cheat under the influence of alcohol and surging emotions.
«Soul mate». The unmet need for understanding and emotional connection is mistaken for true feeling. The belief that “I met a close soul” allows you to justify the lie to your partner and lead a parallel life.
A romantic meeting with a man 20 years younger seems to return to the state when they were full of hope
Feel young. Often those who are faced with an age crisis fall into the trap of betrayal. Life guidelines are blurred, they feel lost. A romantic meeting with a man twenty years younger seems to return to the state when they were full of plans and hopes. Cheating turns out to be an attempt to hide from new questions.
What will happen next? Despite the pain, with such a betrayal, the prognosis for the couple is the most optimistic. If the cheater finds the strength to honestly face his internal problems and he still cares about the relationship with his partner, it is likely that the couple will be able to overcome this crisis. The betrayal will be nothing more than an episode and will not happen again.
2. Cheating as a pathology
“Not everyone is born to be monogamous,” such cheaters justify themselves. Often the reasons for their behavior lie in childhood. Perhaps the child has not been able to experience attachment and, as an adult, cannot establish trusting and lasting relationships.
Such betrayals are not the consequences of mutual mistakes of partners, but the result of unresolved internal problems of the one who changes. And no matter how attentive and sensitive the partner is, little depends on his actions and reactions.
Narcissus. People of this psychological type are completely devoid of empathy, true rapprochement with them is impossible. Cheating for them is a way to assert their ego and get the most out of life.
This type of cheater will stop being a cheater only by agreeing to a long and serious therapy.
A sociopath, in fact, is the same narcissist, but with a maximum concentration of egocentrism and a cynical attitude towards others — including those who were not lucky enough to fall in love and get closer to such a person. From any situation automatically tries to benefit.
If it is to his advantage to maintain the illusion of a permanent relationship and at the same time change, then the partner will face lies, irresponsibility and the ability to make himself a victim of circumstances. A sociopath will easily make you feel guilty.
Sexual addicts. Sex addicts are unable to experience a true connection with a person unless they experience an orgasm. This often leads them to replace superficial sexual desires with love.
What will happen next? If, in spite of everything, you have forgiven and hope for further relationships, the prognosis is unfavorable. This type of cheater will stop being a cheater only by agreeing to a long and serious therapy, which is extremely rare. As a rule, they are quite satisfied with this lifestyle. Without outside help, an alliance with such a person is doomed to a series of disappointments.
3. Cheating with the intent to hurt
A person with a low level of emotional intelligence, who is not accustomed to honestly discussing accumulated problems with a partner, tries to take revenge on him for insults and disappointments in this way.
passive aggression. He internally devalues the relationship, symbolically sending a message to the partner: “You didn’t understand me and didn’t accept me, so I will do whatever I want. If you find out about it, you deserve it.»
Sabotage. For one reason or another, he does not dare to open confrontation and rupture. In treason, he wins back the fantasy that the other side finds out about this and decides to end the relationship, removing from him all responsibility for the consequences of this step.
Revenge. In this case, betrayal is the last straw for a person who himself feels betrayed and humiliated. He does everything so that the other half finds out about this and experiences painful feelings.
What will happen next? Such people are not distinguished by psychological maturity and with great ease shift the responsibility for the development of relationships onto other people’s shoulders. At the same time, under certain circumstances, they are able to rise above their grievances and find the strength in themselves for internal growth. And if your feelings and desires to keep the relationship are mutual, there is a chance that you will overcome this crisis.
4. «Polite» treason
The partner is valued, respected and least of all they want to hurt his feelings. And yet betrayal happens when, over time, everyone withdraws into their lives. One focuses on children and the home, the second is only interested in a career. Intimacy and understanding disappear from relationships.
Business partners. Your life is filled with responsibilities, you began to perceive your family as a joint venture in which you share rights and responsibilities. Meeting a new person for a while helps to stop feeling like a driven squirrel in a wheel.
Loss of dialogue. Women often think that their infidelity is justified by the fact that they are in love. Men, on the contrary, justify cheating by saying that it is not connected with a deep feeling and they are only interested in sex. In both cases, the partners do not get what they need in a permanent relationship.
Both parties tend to seek attention and full human contact, which for women is more emotional connection, and for men, sexual.
Third parties receive all the fullness of feelings, time and energy, and the partners themselves end the relationship
Only guardians. This is a sad story, because in such a family there is often a lot of love. However, it is directed only in one direction: to children or elderly relatives. Third parties receive all the fullness of feelings, time and energy, and the partners themselves end the relationship with a divorce or betrayal.
What will happen next? Such betrayals, as a rule, are associated only with false priorities in relationships, and not with the psychological characteristics of the traitor’s character. If both parties find in themselves spiritual strength and an inner willingness to return to what once made them happy, they have a great chance of doing so.