Typology of changes: causes, goals, feelings

Marriage and civil unions involve sexual exclusivity of the relationship. It is this condition that makes partners special, unique to each other. It also creates the prerequisites for a secure attachment — one that gives a sense of security and confidence and does not bring pain. And violation of the agreement on sexual exclusivity leads to devastating consequences. And yet, change happens. However, their causes are different — as are the experiences that arise in this case in a pair. Systemic family therapist Inna Khamitova talks about the classification of infidelity offered by psychologist and family consultant Scott R. Wooley.

1. Romantic betrayal

It is based on fantasy and often occurs when we create new relationships in order to avoid solving problems that we associate with family, work, relationships. We escape into a fantasy in which, as it seems to us, we are understood at first sight, breath. “We went on our honeymoon to Venice,” says 32-year-old Anna. “We decided to ride the gondola, and when the gondolier gave me his hand, I immediately felt electricity running between us.” Anna decided that she had fallen in love, found him on the Internet (it turned out that there was a site for gondoliers), and began to write letters to him. Finally he arrived. The first meeting was like a magical dream. But already from the second it became clear that there was nothing in common between them, and even sex ceased to attract. Soon they parted with relief.

Most holiday romances belong to this type of betrayal: we meet a stranger (the feeling of the unknown is intensified if there is a language barrier between us), we have no responsibility, and the attraction that arose against this background results in a fantasy of a special mutual understanding. But this does not mean that any fantasy betrayal is fleeting. Some live long years in dual relationships. This happens more often with men, because they are more tolerant of bifurcation. Igor, 56, has a stable relationship with his wife, whom he has been married to since the age of 25, while for the last 10 years he has also had a mistress with whom he has a pleasant feeling that «I am understood.» With a wife, intellectual correspondence, and with a mistress, enchanting sex — that is, understanding belongs precisely to this area. In essence, Igor is not close to any of the women: he does not have trust with his wife, and his mistress does not suit him intellectually. With cheating of this type, there is often a feeling of guilt: “I am torn in two, I don’t know what to do.”

2. Protest betrayal

Such betrayal occurs when relations with a permanent partner are tense, there are many mutual insults or a long distance. The partner does not feel understanding, responsiveness on the part of the other: instead, he feels his closeness, emotional unavailability. As a reaction, a feeling of protest, anger, resentment arises. It is them that betrayal expresses: “If you are like this, then here you are!”

The changer may not feel that the partner is important to him: permanent relationships lose their value, there is a desire to justify their behavior by the behavior of another: “He doesn’t sleep with me. She doesn’t iron my shirt. 30-year-old Aleksey explains his betrayal as follows: “My wife does not care about me, I ask her to sweep, and she immediately starts waving a broom, and I am allergic to dust.” However, he does not say anything to his wife. Protest betrayal can occur when one of the partners has accumulated a lot of anger that he does not express in a couple. In this case, the cheater does not blame himself — he puts all the responsibility on his partner.

3. Cheating to get attention

Entering into an extramarital relationship, the partner tries to make the other jealous. Perhaps he is not sure of his importance to another and tries to check how much he is appreciated, while often afraid of being left. Relationships on the side in this case are not hidden too carefully — bills are found in pockets, intimate correspondence is found in computers. Such behavior seems to say to the second partner: “Look, I’m important to someone, someone appreciates me, flirts with me, compliments me, look at you too — you can lose me!”. This kind of betrayal speaks, paradoxically, about the importance of existing relationships.

• What might tempt you to cheat?

4. Cheating from burnout

The reasons for such betrayal are fatigue, emotional exhaustion, which occurs when two people experience mutual disappointment or when something keeps them together (for example, children), but repeated attempts to maintain the relationship have failed and no one hopes for anything. In this case, there may be a desire to hurt another, as in protest treason, but there is no longer that heat of passion. Such betrayal is often used by partners as a provocation (so that the second one finally leaves) and a reason for divorce.

5. Insurance betrayal

Such betrayal is a consequence of the fear of intimacy, on the one hand, and the fear of being abandoned, on the other. “I doubt that Nikolai truly appreciates me,” admits 27-year-old Valentina. “Meeting other men makes me feel wanted and gives me back my self-confidence. But I like Nikolai, and I’m not going to part with him. The expectation of rejection from a partner, the fear of being alone can push to meetings on the side: the cheater considers other partners as insurance in case of parting with the main partner.

6. Cheating on a powerful player

This kind of betrayal is a way to say to another: «I’m in charge here, everything will be as I want.» Often this behavior is based on beliefs that come from the parental family: “working on relationships is for the weak” or “a man has a right.” If the boy did not see the respectful attitude of his father towards his mother, it is likely that he himself will behave in a similar way.

Compulsive adultery belongs to the same type, when the cheater cannot resist his desire, visits strip clubs, uses the services of prostitutes. In such behavior there are elements of obsession, sociopathy, and in this type of betrayal there is no shame, no fear, no respect for a partner. What then keeps their partners close to such people? That at first they seem very bright, open, natural and spontaneous. Over time, the passion for such behavior fades, and its negative consequences become noticeable. Therefore, compulsively cheating people often have many partners and many marriages.