Did you know that babies smile to control their parents? Yes, studies by American specialists from the University of San Diego have shown that babies smile for a reason, but for a specific purpose: specifically so that adults start smiling back at them. Read it is interesting
But then it will not be a discovery for you that babies do not always cry just like that: as a rule, children cry for the same purpose — in order to get from their parents what they want or need.
If we get away from excessive detail, then there are only three children’s cries: relaxation crying, instrumental crying (crying as an appeal for help) and manipulative crying, when crying is constructed from scratch in order to put pressure on parents (for example) and achieve their own.
The crying of an infant in the first month of life is undifferentiated, it contains all three types of crying. The child whimpers or screams when he feels bad and needs something: he wants to eat or drink, if he is wet or wants to be held. The child either whimpers (sob-sob), or screams, or yells, but he gets your attention and tries to get what he wants. There is everything here: both honest suffering, and asking for help, and insisting that everything be done to him and quickly.
A month later, children cry more diversely and with different tasks. The child already cries differently when he wants to eat or drink or when he is wet, when he wants to sleep or when he wants to be held: crying is formed as an appeal for specific help. This is instrumental crying, that is, crying not “because”, but “in order to”, but this is not manipulative crying. See →
Another kind of crying is honest crying-suffering. The main thing to understand here is that this crying does not arise by itself. The child either adopts this crying from other children, or it, without realizing it, is formed by the parents themselves.
He felt bad, he cried to you. Since you approached the child when he started crying, you naturally reinforced his behavior. But even if you came up and helped, the “bad” did not always go away right away, and the child would cry more and more. Within a month, a connection was formed: “bad — you have to cry.” Within a month, a stable conditioned reflex and just a habit is formed: if I feel bad, I cry. The child has a sincere, honest cry, crying without a goal, crying because … (see →)
Probably, you have noticed more than once: if a child is with his mother, he cries. With my grandmother, she cries even more often. And with dad — do not cry. Why? Because dad does not support crying.
How to relate to such a childish habit of crying, developed by the environment? Is such a habit obligatory, is it possible to do without the formation of such a habit? Everything is possible, but how much is needed is an unclear question… See →
In addition to crying as a means of seeking help and honest crying-suffering, children quickly master manipulative crying, crying as a means of pressure on parents.
How to distinguish between honest and manipulative crying? If a child usually does not cry without serious reasons, but now he has hit hard and is crying, although he has no benefit from this, apparently this is honest crying. If a child traditionally and immediately starts yelling in crying when he didn’t like something and he needs something, apparently this is manipulative crying.
However, there seem to be no clear boundaries between these two types of crying. It is typical enough that crying begins as quite honest, but continues (or unwinds) as manipulative.
If a child sees that it is beneficial to cry into his hands, then why not cry for the sake of benefit and pleasure?
Question
Are parents always so “in line” and on the same wavelength as to feel and determine this? What if he hurts? And if he is upset about something, but is not yet able to express it verbally, and this is the only way to defuse frustration?
I think this is the wrong approach. It is more important not to feel, but to observe. If he is not hurt at all — yes, you will feel it, and then it is clear — the child is manipulating. Only more often the situation is different: something is really unpleasant for the child, but he could cope with this situation on his own, without crying and screaming. The child fell, it is not comfortable for him: is it necessary to cry? No. Without you, he will not cry: who should cry? why? And with you, who are so attentive and feel everything, he will definitely start crying.
How then?
When determining what kind of crying it is, it is useful to take into account the peculiarities of male and female perception: men are more inclined to perceive any crying as manipulative, women — as natural, honest. If there is a conflict of visions, then in most situations the woman is more likely to be right: simply because ordinary men are less likely to take care of children, and if a man is tired and annoyed, then any crying seems special to him. On the other hand, if dad is smart and takes care of the child too, then dad is more likely right, because men usually have a more objective view of the situation.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.