What if we are no longer children and a series of New Year’s celebrations gives us mixed feelings? There are two reliable ways to please yourself and others these days, explains psychologist and mother of a large family, Ilona Bonivell.
I dream of having a nice Christmas with my family, no matter what the weather is like outside. But this is not always possible. Last Christmas, our teenage kids decided to surprise us by organizing a casino in the living room: they dressed up as a croupier, and the adults (me, my husband, his ex-wife and his best friend) were supposed to be players. This, of course, seems to be a very extravagant and original idea, but we were prevented from enjoying the process by the fact that, while preparing the scenery for the casino, the kids did not bother to agree on the rules of the game in advance. As a result, in order to continue the holiday, the game had to be completed.
The year before, one of the teenagers made a fuss when he was given the “wrong” camera… Two years ago, Hugo caught the virus, and my husband spent most of Christmas dinner in his bedroom, trying to bring down the temperature of the child. When he felt better, we all went out on the terrace, wrapped in warm blankets and sipping mulled wine, and saw our dog Flip fall into the pool in an epileptic fit. He was diagnosed with brain cancer and did not live to see the end of the holidays.
You won’t be surprised that I’m already a little tired of Christmas. And I think I’m not alone. My friend is nervous about her father-in-law and mother-in-law coming to stay for a week, and one of my colleagues complained that she always had to cook Christmas dinner for 15 people. With mixed families, it is even more difficult, Christmas and New Year have to be divided between mom and dad, who, in turn, also have to share it between their parents and partner’s parents.
My two main Christmas secrets are helping others and being grateful. Once upon a time, these principles underlay religions and spiritual practices, but now their effectiveness has been proven by science.
When we help others, it increases our self-confidence, we feel that we can make a difference.
Do you often take the time to help someone else—a friend, colleague, or even a stranger? Think about it for a couple of minutes. Maybe you went shopping for a neighbor, helped lift a stroller with a baby up the stairs, or donated blood? Good deeds don’t just temporarily lift our spirits, they give us a permanent sense of happiness, not to mention that we bring joy to others.
Scientists have several theories to explain why helping makes us happier*. This increases our self-confidence, we feel that we are able to change something. We begin to think better about people and feel a deeper connection with them (and this is a basic human need), which brings real happiness. Research also shows that when good deeds are varied, it has a greater impact on our well-being than when we do the same thing all the time.
You might be thinking, “When it comes to Christmas, it’s hard to imagine what good you can do for others without spending a significant amount of money on it.” Let me disagree. You can give your neighbors homemade pies. You can play their favorite board game with the kids (even if you get bored). By the way, about children – I insist that we give each other something that was not bought for money. My biggest joy was when Jason somehow gave me a special coupon that entitles me to 20 hours of any help we need.
You probably remember how, as a child, you wrote cards to friends and relatives to thank them for gifts. When you grew up, you most likely stopped writing them. And it’s not that you have stopped feeling grateful for everything you get in life – most likely, you just don’t think about it. In fact, one of the simplest and most effective ways to feel happy is to express gratitude, whether verbally or in writing.
Gratitude is one of the five personality traits most closely associated with life satisfaction.
Sounds too good to be true? A lot of research confirms that people who are inclined to gratitude are more joyful, energetic, attentive, determined, curious, more willing to help others. They suffer less from depression and anxiety, loneliness and envy and are not so mercantile. In an online study of 5000 people, gratitude was shown to be one of the five personality traits most closely associated with life satisfaction…
Now you know a reliable and proven method to become happier, what are you waiting for? There are many ways to express gratitude. One of the most effective techniques in positive psychology is the gratitude visit. Think of a person to whom you are grateful for something. Write him a letter telling him what he did for you and how it changed your life. Call this person and make an appointment, ideally at home. During the meeting, read the letter aloud to him. Psychologists explain the effect of this exercise by the fact that gratitude allows you to feel the taste of life and does not allow you to take for granted all the good things that we have, thereby preventing positive emotions from dulling.
This year I will probably not send out cards (I will send out animated emails with songs and dances instead) and I will put blank cards under the tree so that all family members can write thank-you letters on them for each other. Then we will hang them on the Christmas tree and, when the holiday comes, we will read the letters aloud. Hope everything goes smoothly this time…
And if not? Then I will find solace in the “three good things.” This practice invites us to find three moments in every day of our life for which we should thank fate. The positive effect lasts up to six months, so I will somehow make it through the summer.
About the Developer
Ilona Boniwell — positive psychologist, born in the USSR, studied in London, works in Paris. Read more on her.
* Read more about the research of positive psychologists in the book by I. Bonivell “Keys to Well-Being” (Vremya, 2009).