Two hours a day to be sad

Basically, I work in the mode of psychological consultation and I rarely use any classical methods, such as free associations, “hot chair”, psychodrama or even art therapy. Even though I did learn from them. But tricks have to be invented often, and sometimes right along the way. This has nothing to do with classical psychology and psychotherapy, but sometimes it works surprisingly accurately.

story one

“I was 13 years old when my mother, father and younger brother were killed in a terrible car accident in which we got together as a family. Surprisingly, I myself then not only survived, but practically did not suffer, escaping with a few scratches and a crack in my wrist. But after the death of my relatives, I actually never had friends. At school, I didn’t understand why, because I was neither evil nor stupid, I studied well, I never betrayed anyone … At the prom, I asked a tipsy girl who was my friend in elementary school about this. She replied: “Yes, you yourself are normal, but it’s impossible with you for a long time, it’s as if you are carrying your dead family with you in a bag, but who needs it?”

At the institute, I visited a psychologist. He also immediately said that I had not lived through that long-standing trauma, I had to live through it and move on. I began to live under his guidance, cried a lot, lost 12 kg, my mother and brother dreamed about me every night, talked to me. I couldn’t do it during the day, I kept thinking about them, about how our, my life would have been if they hadn’t died … “

second story

“What are my problems? Well, Vanka and I came to you half a year ago, don’t you remember? I have a weak-minded person, Vanka, he studies at a special school, in the fourth grade, then, for no reason at all, he suddenly began to fight, so I came to you. Now it has become easier, yes, my father, as you ordered, began to take him fishing with him, we go for walks with him, we go to shopping centers. Well, people stare at Vanka, of course, so what, I’m used to it. The main thing for me is that my husband does not leave – you yourself know that from families where the child is sick and definitely will not recover, men most often leave. I’m worried, I ask him, and he says: you ask again, ask a hundred times, then I’ll leave you. Well, I can see it myself: he thinks, he’s tired of it, and I’m tired of myself. So what to do? My mother is with oncology, when it’s better, when it’s worse, they had an operation, the doctor said: her heart is healthy, tune in, the body will fight for a long time …

When I look at my mother, she calmly knits Vanka’s sock there, and I immediately think: now, she will die soon, or I’ll look at Vanka, I’ll think about what kind of life awaits him, and again tears … And on my husband too – he’s a good man why would my family leave him, he would live normally, but without him I would be lost alone with two children and a sick mother … And then my eldest daughter said to me: Mom, it became impossible with you, look at you, talk, and immediately the mood deteriorates … “

solution, one for two

The first is a loner, intellectual and algorithmic, she likes clear, understandable methods. The second is familial, emotional and never an intellectual, she is closer to something like catharsis or a miracle in general, she is ready to go to a psychic to remove damage, leaving for any community (including long-term group psychotherapy) will undoubtedly alleviate her own condition, but psychology will immediately form sectarians, and then her husband will leave (her main fear).

At the same time, both are strong women, able to successfully carry a very large burden and at the same time rejoice and achieve. But for this you need to make room, now occupied by guilt, memories, analysis, bad forecasts. Expelling their fears, pain, and so on right now is not possible. So you need to move them.

To the first woman, I said something like this: “That day was a premature initiation. In one day, you matured, and then an adult lived on, therefore, all the indulgences provided by the world to the “unfortunate orphan” did not have a destructive effect on you. Like it or not, but this terrible event is the brightest and most effective thing that you had in your life. It’s terrible, but it can’t be forgotten. It happens. Often. For example, thousands, if not millions of people, psychologically do not return for decades from the war, which they got into at the age of 18-20 and where they went through that very initiation.

So you didn’t come back. Let’s accept it. But a different, peaceful life has been going on for a long time. She also needs to live. And we will simply divide spheres of influence. I suggest two hours a day. You will devote these two hours to memories, regrets and contritions, building an alternative history, etc. – pain for comrades who died at the front, how life would have been if there had been no war, love that did not happen because of the war, and all that. You understand? Two hours. You can set an alarm. They sat down, poured a glass of wine, lit candles, turned on the military march, and time passed. The rest of the day, you live your normal life now. It’s fair and doesn’t hurt anyone.”

A month later, she just glowed: “You know, I didn’t believe, I did it, because I’m just diligent by nature, but it helps! Now I seem to visit them at school hours, like an old aunt. I greet, tell how the day went, ask something, share the difficulties. If they pop up at another time, I tell them: not now, not now, guys, wait, I’ll get in the car … “

Do you understand about the second woman? All the same. The same two hours – to feel sorry for everyone, worry about everyone, imagine terrible horrors, pray to God, list sins, repent and all that. The rest of the time – mom is still alive, Vanka is generally a pleasant, kindly boy, chat with her husband, go to the cinema, laugh with her daughter, the whole family – to the country house or to a picnic, sister and son – with her, her alcoholic, when in remission – too. If they climb at an inopportune time – “horror, horror, wait until your deadline, the hour will come, I will love you all.”

She said to everyone: “A psychotherapist prescribed me for two hours so that you have a good wife, daughter and mommy, so don’t interfere.” They agreed, it immediately became easier. Then she says: I get a lot for two hours in a row, I have to force myself to think, can I still do something else at this time? ..