He approached, adjusted his posture, synchronized his shoulders, tempo-rhythm — laughter and breathing, adjustment by gestures and position of hands — and here are almost two twins!
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Adjustment — changes in our behavior that make us more like the interlocutor and unconsciously feel like you are «one of us», create better contact and trust between you.
Adjustments can be made along different lines and levels. Most often, adjustments are made to the body (posture and gestures), adjustments to breathing, to the vocabulary used in communication, to voice and speech, and to values. Body adjustments are the simplest and most popular adjustments.
Total tuning is the richest in terms of results, but the most time-consuming tuning. This is the maximum adjustment to the partner in all the parameters available to you, when you completely, as far as possible, situationally copy a person. You are him. As far as possible for you.
This is usually difficult and not very necessary. If, entering into contact, you begin to consistently adapt to the body, then to the rhythm, then to the breath and voice, while at the same time listening also to the vocabulary preferences of the interlocutor, then without a habit your head will swell and you will lose time. Output? Among the many different tunings, choose for active use the one or two that you like best (or body) and which in your performance give the best result.
In selective adjustment, you adjust to your partner only according to some of the parameters you have chosen, while in others you carry out conscious adjustment: hidden or demonstrative. If you decide to rebuild, you deliberately destroy all possible attachment correspondences between you, creating in your partner a feeling of a break in contact.
Adjustment is a powerful means of managing communication, but that is why you do not have to adapt to everyone, always and completely: you need to consider that by adjusting, you are not only building relationships, but also reinforcing your partner’s behavior. To what specific detail, to what moment of behavior you adapt — then you reinforce.
You need to be careful: if your partner is in an erroneous and problematic state, your adjustment may aggravate it. One depressed person, one problem. If you add your own to his martyred face, you reinforce his depression and create new problems… Sympathy at the wrong time is not help, but a provocation to the position of the Victim. A confident lack of sympathy for erroneous behavior is one of the ways a person switches to a new, more adequate behavior. Perhaps they will be angry with you for your hardness of heart, but you can really help a person.
A good adjustment is one that, having created a contact between you, is used by you to guide the content and style of communication in the direction that you and your partner need.
Leading is one of the brightest and most attractive effects of a competent extension. Many dream of “tying” a partner to an invisible magic thread, with which he could be led in the right direction. Leading is precisely this “trick”, when an invisible connection is created between you and your partner: you almost physically feel your partner, and he feels you, and by changing your own behavior, you get the opportunity to similarly change the partner’s behavior, carry out his leading.
To be effective, your adjustment to the partner (any, not only in the body, but also in speech and breathing) must be performed with less intensity than the original actions of the client. He laughed — you smiled, he crossed his legs, you crossed your ankles, he folded his arms over his chest, you put one hand on the other, and so on.
Caution: it is enough to copy in conflicting behavior of the partner features that he himself is not enthusiastic about or that others laugh at, for example, speech filled with garbage. Similarly, if your partner is badly brought up, behaves cheekily, holds defiantly, and his speech is full of conflictogens, then copying his mannerisms, even softened, will be a very controversial addition to him.
Fine tuning should reproduce not so much the external pattern of posture and gestures as the internal state of the partner, physical or mental. It is important to feel how the weight of the partner’s body is distributed (and repeat it to yourself), what state these tense or relaxed muscles express. In your body, attentive to your partner, there should be not just an external alternation of his quick or smooth gestures, but a living of his interest, enthusiasm, thoughtfulness, determination … A good adjustment is imperceptible, corresponds to the essence of the situation and the content of the conversation, and should be natural for you. Adjustment usually «breaks» if the posture and gestures reproduced by you are not comfortable and inorganic for you.
Adjustments and extensions
Extensions are a change in role behavior that plays on complementarity and makes our communication with him more harmonious. For example, You are a child — I am a child — this is an adjustment. You are a child — I am an Adult — this is an extension. Or it is physically convenient to sit next to each other, to settle down — so that it is convenient for both of us. See Outbuildings
Detuning
Detuning — the destruction of all possible extension correspondences between you, creating a feeling of a break in contact with your partner.
Detachment is conscious and not.
Detuning from external control: the ability to not pay attention to how other people evaluate your behavior, the ability to focus only on your own views and values.
Exercise «Adjustment»
Task: adjust to the person to establish good contact in order to lead to the next stage. Lead him in the right direction.
What is useful:
for a psychologist, an extremely important skill is to lead the client to the right place without resistance.
OSR: I can easily adapt to a person, in 9 cases out of 10 in various parameters: breathing, voice, modality of speech, postures, beliefs, beliefs, common we, values. Term 1 month.
How will I work:
I take exercises from the results of the NLP session:
— adapt to a person by voice (1 time per day) with at least one person;
— adapt to a person by breathing (1 time per day) with one person;
– on the body 1 time per day with at least one person;
— by values (1 time per day with one person);
— according to the general «We» (see above);
— by conviction (see above).