How to talk about sexual fantasies without embarrassing your partner? How to agree or refuse to participate in their implementation without destroying the relationship? Before embarking on exploring new possibilities, it is sometimes worth asking the question: “Are our paths the same?”
Sadomasochism, dominance and submission, exchange of partners… Recently, in sexuality, as in fashion, their actual trends began to appear. And sometimes one gets the impression that it is necessary to try new practices … or you will be branded as a person who is behind the times. “Without realizing it, people, especially young people, are under the power of fashion,” explains sexologist Sergey Agarkov. – Some of them believe that “for development” you need to experience everything. In reality, many practices are attractive only to a small part of people. However, they are offered to everyone, as there is a huge media and commercial market associated with this.” But not only fashion pushes us to search for fresh sexual experiences. With their help, we hope to discover new sides of ourselves, to explore the boundaries of our desires. And to fulfill these urges, we almost always need the participation of a partner.
Opportunity to open
Whether we are trying to play a role in a scenario that is meaningful to us or to experience certain sensations, we are faced with the question of the compatibility of our desires with the desires of a partner. “In sexual relationships, we approach the other with our “basket of toys,” says sexologist Philippe Brenot. – This basket contains our desires, needs, fantasies, practices. Each of the partners takes out their toy, considers whether it fits the partner’s toys, and decides whether it is possible to play a new game by combining them. Contrary to what is commonly thought, sexual compatibility does not appear from the very beginning, even if the partners are on the same wavelength. “It takes time to surrender to one’s own desire and pleasure,” recalls sexologist Naida Dobaeva, “but time is also needed in order to feel trust in another person and open up to him.” 37-year-old Inna says that mutual understanding between her and 35-year-old Anton was established from the very first meeting: “We just matched! With him, I can be very active, even dominate. With other partners, I did not allow myself this, probably, I felt that they would not understand. It’s the same with Anton: he can finally obey without being ashamed or feeling that he deviates from the norm.” Being able to open up without fear of judgment and humiliating rejection is what breeds sexual compatibility. In an intimate space of mutual interest and participation, you can learn a lot for yourself. If a person does not feel trust from his partner, if there is no curiosity in sexual relations, no interest in playing together, then some specific request can become a source of misunderstanding. “The development of sexuality is very closely related to our personality as a whole. If the request of one of the partners, expressing his deepest desire, encounters a refusal, this affects not only the sexual sphere, but also the relationship of partners and can become a source of conflict, ”continues Sergey Agarkov. And he emphasizes that there is a difference between a refusal caused by shyness (for example, if the request was made too early), and a refusal that means: “Your ideas about sex do not match mine!”
Binding
This action has two other names: bondage and shibari. Bondage (from the English bondage) is considered part of the BDSM sexual subculture and is carried out using ropes and other devices, including chains and handcuffs. And shibari (in the English transcription “shibari”) is performed almost exclusively with a rope made of natural fiber and is closer to pure art, although it retains a pronounced erotic coloring. The origin of shibari is ancient martial arts, part of which was the ability to securely tie the captive. Shibari acquired aesthetic and erotic value only in the middle of the XNUMXth century. Then a special theater arose, in which the viewer had to enjoy the ability of the masters to fix the body of the model in a predetermined bizarre and sexual pose. Today in Russia there are workshops that teach the art of shibari, and sexual contact between the master and the model is not expected or even banned.
Joint study
Sexologists are unanimous that consent to sexual experiments improves relationships only if it is caused by a counter desire, and not by the fear of losing a partner in case of refusal. “For the consent that we give under duress, sooner or later we will have to pay with the loss of attraction to a partner or our own physical and mental health,” warns Naida Dobaeva. “Especially if this practice is repeated from time to time. For the existence of a couple as a whole, this is a disastrous path. Those relationships develop in which two people are united, full of trust in each other, when each understands how far he can go with a partner, and neither has the feeling that he will be exposed, or the fear of showing his true face. “If the partner’s proposal does not meet with an instant positive response, but gives rise to mixed feelings, it is better to take a pause for reflection,” says Naida Dobaeva. “Having played a new opportunity for a start in our imagination, we can better understand our own feelings and consider what prevents the fulfillment of the fantasy and how insurmountable this obstacle is.” Marina, 37, agreed to fulfill her husband’s rape fantasy. But she could not cope with her feelings, which turned out to be too strong: “As soon as he grabbed my hands, I screamed: “Enough, you idiot!” I didn’t think it would make me so angry. Only by turning to a psychotherapist, I was able to realize that it is unbearable for me to live like my mother: in submission and fear, not daring to contradict my husband in anything.
Sometimes the exchange of fantasies in itself turns into an exciting game that gives partners great pleasure. Our preferences, desires, ideas about what is acceptable change depending on many factors, such as age and season. With different partners, we can both want and allow different practices. It is important that consent to a new practice be mutual, and a possible refusal be perceived as an exercise of the right to free choice.