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Probably, every parent dreams of becoming for his child the very person to whom he will turn in a moment of doubt and difficulties. But how can this be achieved? How to teach children to talk about their experiences, feelings and problems? Psychologist Alex Minchenkova shares her recommendations.
In the first years of a baby’s life, his relationship with his mother is 100% trusting. This is inherent in nature: the baby is helpless and completely dependent on adults and the decisions that they make. In addition, children are ingenuous, they are just forming the concepts of “good” and “bad”, “lie” and “truth”. Mom during the first years of their life remains the closest person who can be trusted with all secrets and experiences.
But as the child grows older, he moves away from adults, he has a new social circle — first in kindergarten, then at school. He learns to analyze, criticize, fights for the right to solve his problems on his own, but due to his age, he cannot always cope with difficult situations. Therefore, it is important for parents not to lose the trust of the child in order to come to the rescue in time at a critical moment.
More about emotional intelligence
A lot is being said and written about emotional intelligence today. This term is understood as the ability to recognize emotions and feelings, manage the emotional state of one’s own and other people in order to solve certain problems, understand the intentions, motivation and desires of others. If a child has a developed emotional intelligence, it is easier for him to build relationships with both peers and elders.
It is worth developing this ability from the very birth of a child: thanks to this, he will understand why he needs to talk about his feelings and problems and how you can help him in difficult situations. The easiest way is to talk to him about the emotions that you yourself experience and about how he feels.
Start by describing your feelings, accompanying the story with facial expressions and gestures: when upset, make a sad face; if you are happy, smile wider. The child must clearly understand how any of the emotions and feelings are lived.
Beacon phrases that help develop a child’s emotional intelligence
The following words will help children identify your emotions:
- «I’m glad that you smile»
- «I was upset because you didn’t put your toys away»
- «I’m angry because you didn’t help me clean»
- «I’m happy that you managed to do it»
- «I’m sad because you’re sick.»
Speak out what the child feels:
- «You get angry when I’m busy and I can’t come to you»
- «You rejoice when I hug you»
- «You have fun playing with a friend»
- «You’re angry because we’ve been shopping too long and you’re tired»
- «You worry about going to an unfamiliar place.»
Do not hide problems from the child — talk about them directly, expressing emotions and broadcasting feelings. Then he will know how to talk about his difficulties, express his feelings, and will be more open.
On the importance of questions
Try to communicate more with children. Ask them in different situations how they feel, whether they like what they or others do or not.
Build questions according to the age of the child. For example, you can ask a baby: “Do you like to build a tower out of cubes?”, “What do you feel when dad comes home from work?”, “And when you see a big dog?”.
Older children can also be approached with more complex questions: “What do you feel before the control?”, “What emotions do you think people can experience in a similar situation?”, “Do you have times when you don’t understand the feelings of others? Tell me about this».
Emotions are an important component of the psyche, and if you develop emotional intelligence in a child, this will not only teach him to share his problems with you, but also help him build relationships with others.
Exercise «Map of Feelings»
To make it easier for you to talk to your child about emotions, take a piece of paper and write down all the feelings you know on it. Do not rush, complete the task during the day, adding the experiences that you remember. The process can lead to a completely unexpected result: it may be difficult for you to write more than 10-15 emotions. Or maybe you will be surprised to find how many feelings you experience.
After that, search the Internet for a list of all existing emotions and be sure to highlight those that you did not list. Most likely, either these feelings are not characteristic of you, or you are not aware of them, you are repressing them.
If the child is old enough, do this exercise with him or her: either make a general list on one sheet, helping each other (this will allow you to better understand your child), or make two lists separately, and then add to your list those emotions that the other has it, but you don’t (so he can show independence).
What is a bank of trust and how to replenish it
Building trust with others helps us replenish the so-called bank of trust that each of us has. The principle is simple: if you helped a child in some way or made him happy in some way, his bank of trust in you will be replenished, and if you scolded him for a misconduct, his trust in you will decrease. It is important to remember that «units» of trust leave more actively than they arrive.
Why You Shouldn’t Criticize a Child for Expressing Feelings
It’s no secret that our feelings and actions are completely different things, and besides them, there are also intentions to perform some actions. For example, anger evokes the intention to hit an opponent or to swing for a hit. We cannot control the appearance of our experiences — they simply arise in us. But the ways of their expression are amenable to regulation. That is, we cannot help but get angry if we are offended, but we are able to restrain the desire to hit back.
The task of a responsible parent is not to criticize the feelings themselves or the actions that accompany them, but to explain to the child how else to express emotions in such a case. He may want to scream or beat a pillow, be distracted by a game or TV. Give him time to exhale and switch to other emotions.
Talk to your child more often on topical issues, and then he will never withdraw into himself, left alone with problems
Believe me, if you anger another and then leave him alone, his emotional state will stabilize very soon. But if the child is already in a state of anger, and you continue to “rock” this emotion, he will not calm down for a long time.
If you want children to share their experiences with you, you need to keep the trust bank positive every day and not bring it to a minus. Be sincere in expressing your feelings yourself, talk to your child more often on topical issues, and then he will never close in on himself, left alone with problems.