“She wants to control everything”, “he is so infantile!” — one of the frequent claims in married couples. Where do these grievances come from, what do they lead to and is it possible to get rid of them?
Anna and Victor got married, barely out of adolescence. They almost never experienced intimacy with other people before marriage. Anna’s mother was a real «supermom» with a heightened sense of responsibility, she worked from morning till night, cooked, went shopping, cleaned, managed the family finances, helped the children with their homework, volunteered in the church in her free time. Anna grew up in the belief that this should be a good wife and mother. Trying to live up to high standards, she was constantly tired and angry, often tormented by stress and anxiety.
Her husband was the opposite. He lived quietly, sometimes it reached the level of irresponsibility. He needed less order and control than his wife. Sometimes he fulfilled her constant requests, sometimes not. And although Victor assured that his wife’s regular reminders did not annoy him, he accumulated resentment.
Anna treated him like a child. She was increasingly annoyed that she «had» to take on so many cases. It is not surprising that at some point they could no longer contain their feelings. The situation escalated to the limit when Victor started an affair with one of his wife’s close friends. Anna kicked her husband out of the house.
Victor had never lived alone before, staying in a motel was unusual for him. He was unhappy with the turn of events, did not expect Anna to be ready to exclude him from her life. Determined to get her back, he began to ask to give him another chance. «No way,» Anna snapped. He assured, promised that what had happened would not happen again. Three months later, she agreed to visit a family psychologist together.
Over time, both realized that together they created such an atmosphere that pushed Victor to treason. It became obvious to them that the roles they played—naughty boy and controlling mother—doomed the marriage to disaster. They began to work on restructuring the relationship to make it more equal and share responsibility.
Anna realized that by taking power, making all decisions alone and controlling Victor, she deprived him of the opportunity to be an equal partner for her. He used to think that he could live without taking care of the house and children. He did not understand the price he had to pay for trying to escape from his duties.
During the time they lived apart, Victor seemed to have been trained in adulthood. For the first time, he himself was responsible for shopping, washing, cleaning, cooking, managing money, and raising children. Over time, he ceased to be afraid of responsibility, self-esteem and self-respect grew.
Anna noticed that he became more competent, and also began to respect him more, her resentment and discontent gradually disappeared. She was able to believe that she was important to Victor, she saw that he showed love and care. Gradually, the pain of her husband’s betrayal began to subside, she was able to forgive him.
If the struggle for power continues in a couple, intimacy occurs only occasionally, for a brief moment, it is unstable and illusory
For the first time, they began to make family decisions together. They had never experienced such closeness with anyone as they felt now. They began to live together again, having vowed to maintain complete equality. If the struggle for power continues in a couple, intimacy occurs only occasionally, for a brief moment, it is unstable and illusory. The need for stability, control and dominance does not allow intimacy to be present in a relationship all the time.
Walls that separate partners and keep them from feeling close will fall when there is a sense of trust, security, and mutual respect. This will create a foundation for equal relations. Over time, we will learn to recognize what provokes a return to protective patterns of behavior, and systematically neutralize them both independently and with the help of a partner.
This is indeed a tedious and dangerous job, comparable to the work of a sapper in a minefield, and it will require a lot of courage. We will be rewarded with joy and love, which is possible only with equal relations.
About the Authors: Linda and Charlie Bloom are couples therapists who specialize in couples therapy.