Contents
What childhood events trigger this trauma, and how does it affect adulthood? How can understanding the problem help?
Masha is 30 years old, she is afraid to be alone in the evenings. Even knowing that her husband is late with colleagues at the bar and will come in a couple of hours, she does not find a place for herself: she was abandoned, she was left alone in this apartment, in this world.
If friends went out of town for the weekend and did not invite her, she is very upset by their betrayal, if colleagues or the boss criticize the work or do not notice the proposed ideas, she falls into a state of resentment and hopelessness. The trauma of abandonment haunts her throughout her life. Is there a way out?
What causes this injury?
“The trauma of abandonment most often appears in early childhood,” explains psychologist and family counselor Anna Konstantinova. – In the first years, the foundations for building relations with the world are laid.
If the parents did not provide the child with basic psychological needs: love, security and acceptance, there is a high probability that the person who grew up in such a family will show the trauma of abandonment.
The same problem arises if the child had to endure a loss, for example, death or the departure of one of the parents from the family.
He doesn’t know how to deal with it. And if there is no adult nearby who helps to survive a difficult event, the trauma of abandonment occurs.
If a child is given to be raised by a grandmother without explaining the reasons, a feeling of uselessness and abandonment will haunt him for many years. It often happens that a child lives with his parents, but they are inattentive to him. For example, a mother plays with her child, but at the same time constantly looks at the phone or chats on the phone with her friend for the whole walk.
In the future, a person develops problems with self-esteem and he returns to the state of a useless, abandoned child. It is difficult to talk about adequate self-esteem in such people.
If a person is constantly in a state of anxiety and does not know what it means to be accepted and understood, unique and yet loved, it will be difficult for him to feel confident.
How does the trauma of abandonment affect relationships?
The Canadian psychologist Burbo Liz in the book “Five Injuries That Prevent You from Being Yourself” notes the features by which you can outwardly recognize a person with such an injury: an elongated, toneless body, weak legs, a twisted back, disproportionately long arms.
Taking care of the body and health is not in the first place. This is expressed in the rejection of their external qualities, stoop, tightness, complemented by a desire to decrease, hide. In this regard, their typical diseases are back pain, asthma, bronchitis, diabetes and depression.
Why does depression occur? A person does not realize what is happening to him and why he has so many fears. He can build good working and friendly relationships, but there are always difficulties in relations with a partner.
In such a relationship, there will always be a feeling of worthlessness and a fear of losing a partner in the background.
These feelings are formed by an unhealthy relationship scenario: a person takes on the role of a victim and is ready to endure any bullying, so long as he is not abandoned.
“I had a client who tolerated his wife’s infidelities. During therapy, it turned out that he grew up with an alcoholic mother who went on a spree. The feelings that he experienced in childhood, he lives again with his wife. The situation did not change until he realized and accepted this scenario.
There is another version of the relationship scenario, when a traumatized person in a relationship with a partner tries to occupy all his space, to be there all the time. Psychologists call this an unhealthy merger in which the “I” is lost, there is no sense of oneself as a person.
For a partner with trauma, abandonment is a way to satisfy the need for safety. Any parting is perceived painfully: a husband’s fishing trip or his two-day business trip can turn into sleepless nights for his wife, tears, then anger and anger at her husband, and as a result, depression, ”explains the psychologist.
How to deal with it?
The trauma of abandonment begins at an early age and is often not recognized. Therapy must begin with acceptance of the problem. Even if everything seems to be going well, unexpected reactions can reappear, making it difficult to live a fulfilling life.
It is difficult to see on your own what is happening to you, to connect it with early childhood. Often traumatic childhood situations are repressed from memory and the person thinks that everything seemed to be fine. He remembers this well. In such a situation, he can shift the responsibility for fears to others.
But the trauma of abandonment can be healed. It will not be easy to cope with it without a specialist, but you can start taking the first independent steps, gradually learn to accept and appreciate yourself.