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An American journalist who became famous throughout the world for describing his sexual victories and writing a book that is referred to only as the “pickup bible”, in ten years he turned from a seasoned ladies’ man into a staunch supporter of monogamy and an exemplary spouse.
Over the past ten years, people who know the name of Neil Strauss (Neil Strauss), treated him absolutely polar. And if the male half experienced mostly good feelings – from admiration to gratitude (although not without envy, of course), then the female half, on the contrary, the most negative: from squeamish contempt to open hatred. The reason was the book “The Game” (“The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists”), published by Neil Strauss in 20051. He then consolidated his success by writing The Rules of the Game.2. Both of these books are about the art of the pickup truck (this is how the ability to “remove”, “glue”, “pick up” and so on – a girl is called in English) and a secret community of pickup artists – consummate masters of seduction.
This two-volume edition was even advertised differently. The male audience was promised invaluable advice to help you become an irresistible seducer. Women were encouraged to read The Game in order to learn all the tricks of the “enemy” and not become the unfortunate victim of such scoundrels as Neil Strauss and his followers. One way or another, the success was huge, “The Game” was dubbed “the bible of the pick-up artist”, and Neil Strauss had a well-defined reputation.
It is all the more surprising to learn that today Neil Strauss is an exemplary family man, a convinced monogamous and caring father. The path of rebirth turned out to be thorny: Strauss went through promiscuity, free unions, swinging, and even was treated in a rehabilitation center for sexual addiction. He writes about all this in his new work called “Truth: an uncomfortable book about relationships”3. Neil Strauss spoke to the Quartz portal about what he thinks today about himself yesterday, named the reason for his sexual quests and imagined how one day his son would read the book “The Game”.
So, the burnt womanizer made a 180-degree turn and became a devoted monogamist?
Neil Strauss: I understand that from the outside it looks exactly like this. But I look at the situation from the inside and see a little more. I see a lonely man who is terribly unlucky in relationships with women and who constantly suffers about this. And then he meets people who teach him how to behave with women. And he solves this problem. Not immediately, but one way or another decides. And now, having dealt with it, he takes on a new one. Now he cares about loyalty in a relationship. He writes about her. That’s how I see everything.
And this changed person does not feel any emotions about the fact that he once wrote the book “The Game”?
NS: I am first and foremost a journalist. And although the “Game” was used by many as a pickup textbook, for me it is primarily a reportage. A story about how I entered the community of pick-up artists, how I stayed in it and how I got out. It existed before me, I did not create it, I only told about it. So I probably wouldn’t change anything in the book. Although I admit that some things that seemed positive to me then do not seem so to me today.
Read more:
- “Men need sex more than women”
Can you judge the impact your book has had on society?
NS: From two sides. On a personal level, I often have to interact with people who thank me. Some say that the “Game” helped them survive difficult moments in life, someone was able to believe in themselves, someone happily married. It sounds anecdotal, but personally I hear more of a positive impact. Well, what I learn about the influence of the “Game” from the media is, of course, almost entirely negative. However, I myself cannot deny that in some people the book touched the dark side of the soul – making them worse than they were.
Do you feel responsible for this?
NS: I don’t think I can control the impact my book has on readers. You can write a novel, or you can write two lines on Twitter, but after you have written them, you can no longer be responsible for what happens next. If you try to predict all the consequences, then it would not be worth printing the Bible either – you yourself know how many people in the world were killed because of what it says.
Read more:
- “Is it possible to talk about betrayal in a new way?”
And yet: you yourself admitted that The Game is manipulative towards women. Can you say that today your attitude towards them has changed?
NS: First of all, I don’t think I’ve ever treated women badly. Rather, I could not see them as individuals. The rules of the “Game” imply treating a woman more as an object than as a person – now I see this very clearly. Apparently, my self-esteem was so low that I tried to increase it by being content with the bodies of other people, without thinking about any other contact. And communication with women was only an opportunity to feel better, not an opportunity to connect with another human being.
In your new book, you write that your promiscuous sex life may have been necessary to overcome your problems. Sounds quite in the spirit of Osho: in order to find yourself, you need to lose yourself?
NS: May be. Both “Game” and “Truth” for me are books about how to go through the dark side and come out to the light. Like in a fairy tale: make your way through a dense forest, a terrible cave, a damp dungeon and fight demons before reaching the treasure in the end.
You have a small son. Would you like him to read The Game one day?
NS: What I really wish was that he never had the need to read it. The Game for me is primarily a book about male insecurity and insecurity. And Pravda is, perhaps, an attempt to grow oneself, to finally become an adult. This is late emotional maturation. Unfortunately, neither my parents nor the cultural institutions seemed to be able to explain something very important to me in time. But I really hope that I myself will be able to explain everything to my son in time. So that he doesn’t have to gain self-confidence by reading books about the art of the pickup truck.
1 N. Strauss “Game” (AST, 2008).
2 N. Strauss “Pickup. Rules of the game” (Eksmo-press, 2010).
3 N. Strauss «The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book about Relationships» (Dey Street Books, 2015).