In society, it is believed that we should love our family and be grateful to our parents, no matter what happens between us. What if it was there that we were abused? Is it possible to stop communicating with close relatives and how to allow yourself to do this?
My sister was always dissatisfied with something. After the death of her mother, she turned all her anger on Anna, as if she was to blame for something terrible. True, Anna herself never understood what she did to cause such anger.
Both grew up and started families of their own. Anna really wanted the children to communicate with their cousins and sisters. It was important that her sister be present in her life. But every time she met the same person — accusing and punishing for something.
Time passed, and the sister was still angry and mistreated her. For many years, Anna tried to maintain relationships, trying to be «the best version of herself.» She thought that she should grow up, change, so that her sister’s behavior no longer offended her, but only aroused sympathy. But every time after communication I felt bad. Their interaction harmed her.
One day, Anna sent a letter again and offered to see each other. The sister again responded aggressively. And then something inside Anna changed. She suddenly gave herself permission not to try to be «understanding» and to stop pretending that nothing bad had happened. She couldn’t do it anymore.
The woman decided to stop communicating with her sister. Such a decision seemed the only respectful and kind one towards herself. After any contact, Anna always experienced anger, sadness and confusion. And most likely, it will always be so.
It may never be clear why the sister is so angry. But Anna couldn’t take it anymore. Being «the best version of yourself» from now on meant taking care of yourself.
The sister she wished she had didn’t exist in reality. She was just a fantasy. And Anna decided to stop communicating with the person who constantly violated her peace of mind.
There is a harmful attitude in society, says psychotherapist Nancy Collier, that we do not have the right to say no, set boundaries and refuse hurting relationships when it comes to family.
It is believed that we should make an effort to calmly respond to a relative who has treated us badly — not to feel pain, not to be angry and not to feel embarrassed. As if we have no right to refuse toxic contacts until we do such “work on ourselves”.
For example, Anna believed (and so she was told by other family members) that she needed to continue dating her sister for the sake of the younger generation. That is to say, she had to maintain an unpleasant association so that her children might someday have a relationship with their cousins. «It’s still a family.»
The most dangerous thing is the idea that we are partly responsible for our mistreatment. It is she who makes us “swallow” abuse and linger in relationships that have long expired.
It is believed that if we stop communicating with the family, then we have some unresolved problems. But in fact, we have the right to say no to bad, hurting relationships, even if they are relationships with relatives.
Change in how you relate to others begins with a change in how you relate to yourself.
We may never be comfortable with the way we have been or are being treated. When we experience mental pain, emotions remain in the body, or rather, in the nervous system.
If we feel terrible when we meet someone or mention their name, then the body is storing the emotional pain that we have experienced. And this does not mean that we have not done some inner work or that we are to blame for something.
Any relationship is complex and subjective. We do not have to continue to communicate with those who mistreat us in order to convince them or understand what our fault is. Sometimes someone else’s anger is just someone else’s anger. We don’t have to earn the right to be unconditionally kind to ourselves, to choose ourselves.
Allowing ourselves to act from our truth, taking care of ourselves when we are judged, accepting and appreciating our own experience is a very empowering and healing experience.
By giving up harmful relationships, accepting our feelings and reality as they are, not trying to understand more, we can find freedom. The one we unsuccessfully searched for in this relationship.
Only we ourselves can decide that “enough is enough,” because changes in communication with others begin with changes in relationships with ourselves.
About the author: Nancy Collier is a psychotherapist.