Those who are stuck in a difficult, toxic relationship with a narcissist, who live for years in their own personal hell, are often said to have been victims of, for example, abuse. It’s time to look at the situation differently.
It’s hard. Painfully. Scary. Sometimes unbearable. And no one is going to belittle the suffering that has befallen you — what you have experienced in the past, or what you are going through right now. You are really offended, disrespected, humiliated, devalued.
Isn’t it time to say to yourself: I’m not a victim, I’m a target? Because words have great power.
We all remember from childhood: «whatever you call a yacht, so it will float.» The way we perceive ourselves largely determines the attitude of another person towards us, and in the case of a narcissist, it gives the power that he has over us. This does not mean that we ourselves are to blame for what happened to us! But if we look at ourselves differently, then perhaps the abuser’s power over us will weaken.
A big difference
What is the difference between «victim» and «target»?
- Victim A person who has been physically or emotionally affected by an accident, crime, or other event. The victim was harmed, injured in one way or another, and possibly even deprived of his life.
- Target — someone whom a toxic person, abuser or narcissist has chosen for their goals. They choose targets, not victims. They choose those who, deep down, are considered exceptional, outstanding. And also — those at whose expense you can rise, stand out.
The narcissist never enters into a relationship with someone who does not help him or her increase their social worth. Yes, such a person can use someone naive, simple-minded, nothing really representing himself to get something, but he certainly will not date him or her.
Despite all that has been done to you, despite all the pain and suffering that has been caused to you, you are not a victim. You are an exceptional, wonderful person, and the narcissist knows this and that is why they try to use, control you, manage or own you, and maybe even destroy you.
To possess you and to destroy you are his two main aspirations. And do not be surprised that this is illogical — the narcissist thinks irrationally, not like you and I.
Why is this important?
If you consider yourself a victim, then you perceive yourself as a person weak, devoid of strength, in a sense even helpless. The situation seems hopeless, a dead end. No exit. When you realize that you have become someone’s target, you can protect yourself.
The victim is someone weak, unhappy. The target is the one who is ready and able to fight, to defend their borders, the right to independence and happiness, to defend their lives. Unlike the world of things, in our human world the target is able to respond, to give a decisive rebuff.
By talking about yourself that you seem to be the victim of a narcissist, you willy-nilly give the narcissist power over you and your life. And that’s exactly what he’s aiming for. As long as you are weak, you can be controlled. And, rest assured, a toxic loved one will use it.
By refusing to consider yourself a victim, you will regain the reins of power, once again take the helm of your own life and direct your “yacht” where you want. Maybe you should do it right now?