Toxic relationship – causes, characteristics of toxic partners. How to end a toxic relationship?

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The relationship of two people should be based on partnership and balance of forces: giving care, interest and affection, but also receiving them. Naturally, not forcibly. It happens, however, that in a relationship one of the people burns up, devotes their energy, time, sometimes other values: financial resources, mental health, to gain the approval and interest of a partner who is not ready for such sacrifices, vice versa, or does not need it at all. and does not expect such a commitment. This kind of relationship can be described as a toxic relationship.

Why do we enter into toxic relationships?

Tendency to enter into toxic relationships most often have people who did not experience the necessary amount of warmth, interest and emotional security in their family home. The underlying emotional needs and the resulting disturbed self-esteem cause a subconscious search for emotionally inaccessible, internally complex feeling objects – often people with disorders, addicted to alcohol or drugs, having problems with aggression and emotional expression.

Someone who is used to emotional shortcomings from childhood may try to find people who will be as distant and inaccessible as his always-known patterns, trying to make them happy. For this reason, they sacrifice themselves, often losing themselves.

People in toxic relationships often become aware of the problemHowever, they do not know any other model of relationship or cannot function in a healthy relationship, because they are most attracted to people who are inaccessible and disturbed in various ways, with whom building relationships is difficult, full of emotional struggles and uncertainty. Quarrels, turbulent emotional transitions, breakups and returns, betrayals, lies and tears are common elements of toxic relationships.

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Toxic relationships and health

Toxic relationships have a negative impact not only on mental well-being. Constant functioning under stress and uncertainty as well as frequent quarrels can cause neurosis, depression, negatively affect the body’s immunity, as well as sleep, the condition of the heart, circulatory system and digestive system. Chronic fatigue, peptic ulcer disease, indigestion, heart disease, depression, anxiety, eating disorders – all of these ailments can be rooted in emotional problems in a toxic relationship.

This is confirmed by a number of studies conducted on this subject. One study was conducted in 2009 at the University of Utah, where it was found that women in toxic relationships were more likely to be depressed and at greater risk of obesity. In addition, symptoms that could lead to hypertension, diabetes and stroke were observed in them.

On the other hand, a study conducted in 2017 indicates that couples with relationship problems are at risk of problems with memory and cognitive processes. Another study from Michigan State University found that people in toxic relationships (especially women) are more likely to develop heart disease than those in happy relationships. Research shows that people in toxic relationships are more likely to have problems with depression, and in stressful situations they are more likely to be irritated and anxious. In addition, such people more often have problems with pain and runny nose.

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How to recognize a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship is an emotional relationship full of unhealthy behavior that is easy to identify and notice. In toxic relationships, people are not partners, but two sides of an unequal balance of forces that push and fight. It is often interspersed with great outbursts of emotions, passionate moments in which it is good, and the person involved in a toxic relationship recognizes such moments as sparkles of hope that the partner cares about her, and you catch these moments with the hope that they are something, why it is worth enduring arguments, sometimes verbal abuse or violence from a toxic partner. Meanwhile, however, for a maladjusted, toxic person, moments of good relations with another person are often a way to make them even more dependent on themselves.

The action of the toxic partner causes the victim to lose their self-esteem over time, their self-confidence deteriorates, which in turn ends up thinking that all bad situations in the relationship are only their fault. The person in a toxic relationship begins to feel less and less attractive and think they deserve nothing better, which makes it even harder for them to end the toxic relationship and be happy.

Ultimately, it is mainly one of the parties who tries to do a toxic relationship. There is often a feeling of loneliness, emotional emptiness. A toxic partner often makes you feel guilty in the other person, it does not provide emotional support. There are quarrels, insults, and even mental and physical violence. Even such serious problems are usually not a reason to break away from a toxic relationship.

Of course, both parties may be willing to work on the relationship – even if you need therapy for couples or treatment for one or both parties, it is definitely worth trying to save the relationship. Ultimately, however, it is the person addicted to the toxic partner who must try to become emotionally independent from the other side, find peace and develop a sense of self-worth.

This process can take many months, sometimes years, and sometimes requires working through childhood traumas and experiences under the supervision of a therapist. However, only by being happy with ourselves, knowing our worth and respecting our own boundaries, can we create a healthy and well-functioning relationship.

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When should a toxic relationship end?

A toxic relationship should be terminated immediately if our partner begins to manipulate us and he does it consciously, while not intending to change and fight for the relationship. Another prerequisite for ending such a relationship is a situation in which mental or physical violence occurs. T.The oxic partner begins to strive to destroy the self-esteem of the other person, and to make them fully dependent on themselves. She wants to control every aspect of her life, and all of this is a complete contradiction to the idea of ​​a relationship and causes enormous damage to the victim’s psyche.

Codependency is one of the big reasons to end a relationship as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, victims of toxic partners, in most cases, are not able to cope on their own and need the help of a specialist and the support of their loved ones.

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How to end a toxic relationship?

First, you need to realize that you deserve something better than life. Months or years of being told that you will never find someone better than your current partner can make you believe it. But that’s not true. Challenging your self-esteem is what toxic partners do to keep their victims with them.

Second, support is needed. The emotions we go through to end a toxic relationship are the same as ending a healthy relationship. Ending a toxic relationship is especially difficult if you have relied on your partner financially, but there is no need to despair. Instead of focusing on how difficult it will be to break up and settle down for yourself, it is better to focus on building good relationships with others (friends and family) who will help us in difficult times (research shows that helping loved ones in such moments affects reducing mental stress).

Third, be firm in your decision. Break-ups are tough, no matter what. You are leaving the life you are used to, and you may find yourself wanting to return to your ex-partner, but it’s not a good choice! We deserve a partner who will love and respect us.

Fourth, cut off all contact with your ex-partner. Keeping in touch with your ex opens the door to returning to him. Instead of living in the past, focus on the future and stay motivated. It’s best to remove your ex from social media, lock him / her on the phone and do whatever it takes not to meet him anywhere. These actions will show him that you don’t want anything to do with him.

The person who is close to breaking a toxic relationship has probably tried all tricks to get their partner to change their toxic behavior. She probably went to therapy, took a relationship class to improve her relationship, or just spent more time with her partner, but nothing worked. Be aware that your partner will not change and it is important to remind yourself of this often.

Everything possible was done to help such a partner, but it didn’t work. There is also no need to expect miracles after the breakup. Even if an aggressive ex changes his behavior, it is likely due to the shock of the break-up. If the partners have recovered, the likelihood of the toxic behavior returning is extremely high.

Knowing how to leave a toxic relationship is one thing, but being firm and sticking to your resolve after a breakup is another story. If a person has trouble leaving behind an aggressive or toxic partner, it is a good idea to contact a trusted friend, family, or consultant psychologist.

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What are the characteristics of a toxic partner?

There are certain characteristics that can tell if our partner or we are toxic.

One of the characteristics is that we disregard our reactions or consider them inadequate to the situation. This behavior causes us to think more and more that what we are doing or feeling is wrong. Here comes the so-called invalidating emotions. A toxic partner can also diminish our achievements and criticize them by losing our self-esteem, thus making us dependent on ourselves.

A toxic partner is also a person who will always want to blame us for everything and at the same time will point out even the smallest mistake. At the same time, she will justify her own behavior. Toxic partners love to blame their victims and not take responsibility for their own behavior and actions.

Another a hallmark of toxic partners is that they do not respect our privacy. It is normal for them to read our correspondence or spread intimate information about us. These people put themselves first and want to take control of their victim’s life by making them dependent on themselves. Very often, the toxic partner begins to isolate the other person from family or friends and acquaintances. Everything is controlled, even contacts with other people or expenses.

In toxic relationships, any mistakes are punished, and for this purpose, toxic partners use the rejection method. Due to the lack of closeness on the part of the partner, it has a destructive effect on the victim’s well-being, making them feel guilty (although she did nothing wrong).

If any of these are visible in our relationship, it is worth talking about it with a trusted person to be able to determine whether our relationship is actually toxic, or is it just a temporary crisis.

How Can I Cope After Ending a Toxic Relationship?

Being in a toxic relationship affects not only how the victim views himself, but also how he sees the world and people around him. For this reason, it is very difficult to return to normal after the end of such a relationship, but fortunately it is possible.

First, all contacts with your ex-partner must be cut off. Otherwise, old feelings and hopes will be reawakened all the time, which in turn may end up repeating your mistakes. Secondly, it is recommended to seek the help of a specialist, i.e. a psychologist or therapist, who will help you deal with the trauma, as well as give tips on what behavior should be paid attention to in the future. Thanks to the therapy, the chance of such problems again decreases drastically.

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How To Talk To A Toxic Partner?

It is very important to inform your partner directly what hurts us and what we do not like about his / her behavior. This can be done in several ways.

The first one is communicating the partner by naming and taking into account our emotions and feelings in given situations, eg: “I felt sad when you did not answer the phone”. Thanks to this, we name specific situations that have caused our emotions. The second way is to behave exactly the same as our toxic partner treats us, of course excluding aggressive behavior. Additionally, when using this method, it is worth telling the partner why we are doing it, that we want to show her how she treats us and why it does not suit us.

The third way is to treat your toxic partner as someone who is being hurt and suffering herself. However, this method requires a lot of patience and empathy while maintaining an open mind. When talking to a partner, we must take into account not only our own feelings, but also his feelings. Such action can not only dispel the negative emotions of the toxic partner, but also show him that we love him and accept him despite his flaws.

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What is the behavior of a toxic partner?

The answer to this question is not easy, because the behavior of such a person results from many factors, including: hormones; the biochemical structure of the brain; genetic susceptibility; life experiences from childhood, adolescence, and adulthood; tram, start and the influence of the environment in which such a person lived.

Toxic relationship and family relationships

Our family relations and the relationship of our parents, as well as the role of mother, father, woman, man, significantly affect our perception of the world and functioning in specific roles. The human brain works in a specific way, causing him to subconsciously choose what is known to him, but unfortunately not always good.

For example, if a person is brought up in a family in which the father uses physical and mental violence, and additionally abuses alcohol, at that time the mother agrees to such treatment and will always justify the husband, the child from such a family will most likely end up in exactly the same relationship playing the role her mother played. Therefore, it is worthwhile to carefully analyze and reflect on what our family looks like and what choices it makes.

If we notice any recurring patterns, we should go to a specialist and undergo psychotherapy to avoid destructive choices in the future.

Can a toxic relationship be saved?

Many people assume that toxic relationships are doomed to failure, but this is not always the case. The decisive factor? Partners must be willing to change. Here are some other signs that you may be able to save your relationship.

1. Ready for action

You are both open-minded and willing to invest time in improving your relationship. This can be manifested by wanting to talk and regularly setting aside your free time to spending time together.

1. Taking responsibility

Accepting past behavior that has damaged your relationship is crucial for both parties. It is a sign of self-awareness and taking responsibility for yourself and your actions.

1. Moving from blame to understanding

If you can both stop blaming each other and express your willingness to understand and learn from each other, it can be a good sign and a chance to save your relationship.

1. Openness to outside help

Sometimes it is necessary to enlist the help of others to get back on track. Perhaps you will need joint therapy and the help of a specialist.

Toxic relationship – narcissist and sociopath

Some people, especially narcissists and sociopaths, tend to feed on other people’s attention and admiration. Narcissists feel the need to challenge other people’s opinions and make them feel “smaller” than them. They may deliberately humiliate you in subtle ways or throw minor insults at you if you have succeeded in something you are proud of. Narcissists are notoriously wrong to admit guilt because they truly believe that they never make mistakes. In fact, they feel that they are personally at risk of seeing themselves as less than perfect.

When dealing with toxic, narcissistic people, it is not always obvious whether they are aware of what they are doing. But if their behavior consistently makes you feel bad, then you need to distance yourself from that person, or at least accept the fact that you need to be on your guard whenever that person is in your life.

This change in your behavior won’t change them, but it can help you minimize the stress of their actions. It is important to protect yourself from the emotional abuse you experience in any interactions with them:

Remember that you will not change them, and confronting them can only provoke aggression and anger without resolving anything.

Get away from them.

Accept that you must be careful with such people.

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