Toxic positive: what to do if you are annoyed by “rays of goodness”

How can positivity be toxic? What do people in trouble experience when they hear another “Cheer up”? The book “Toxic Positive” by American psychotherapist Whitney Goodman is devoted to these issues.

Positive thinking has penetrated deeply into society in recent years. Happiness and a positive attitude turned into a goal, and at some point, into an obligation. The problem is that endless “everything will be fine” and wishes “to see the hidden meaning in the problem” will not help a person in grief or depression. On the contrary, such words say that the feelings and emotions experienced by him are wrong. As a result, instead of support, a person feels that they want to get rid of him, expressing common platitudes. Sometimes this is the case – it is difficult for people to be near a person who is crying or grieving, they want to fix everything and “fix” the interlocutor as soon as possible. Whitney Goodman breaks down situations in which positivity would be inappropriate, and also talks about ways to give loved ones exactly the support they need.

What is a toxic positive?

Imagine you just lost your job. Panic gripped you. The brain is frantically thinking what to do next.

You decide to share with a friend. She looks at you and smiles. She seems to be mentally preparing you for something important to say. Maybe this is the support you desperately need right now? Or maybe she knows about a great job? Holding your breath, you wait for her to break the meaningful silence. And then she says: “Well, then you will have free time! It could have been much worse. Imagine how much valuable experience you will take out of this situation.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a toxic positive.

In a stupor, you think: “Did she even listen to me? Should I thank my boss for getting fired?”

It is not clear how to proceed further. You don’t feel grateful. What to do, how to react? You were already excited, and this conversation finally finished you off. Feeling like your friend doesn’t understand you at all, you nod, “Yeah, thanks.”

Now you are not only left without a job – a gulf lies between your girlfriend and you. And you are ashamed of your lack of optimism.

They just want to help

To be fair, the girlfriend most likely has good intentions. It’s not that she’s lying: you really will have free time, things really could be much darker and you will most likely learn some lesson from the situation.

The problem is that you are not yet at the stage to get into these ideas. You are still anxious and sad. You are afraid. The body and brain work in a crisis mode, and no routine phrases can change this. What you really need is support and space to deal with your feelings.

Under the guise of toxic positivity, we are given advice that, frankly, we ourselves would like to follow. Only right now we are simply not able to perceive them. Instead, we are frozen in silence, condemnation and loneliness.

It’s familiar, right?

But can a positive be bad?

You probably know well what a positive is. And you wonder: how can positivity be toxic? This is a very serious statement. Is everything really that bad?

To be honest, positivity has become so ingrained in our daily lives that it’s a little scary to go against it. As I research and write about positive thinking, I constantly worry about being “negative” about a topic. Every time I try to confront the culture of goodness rays, there are invariably people who are angry, shocked and confused by my words. I get a lot of comments in the spirit: “Yes, you are crazy! Positive cannot be toxic!”

I understand. This is a tribute to the modern culture of pervasive positivity. We are constantly told that positivity is the key to happiness. Doctors, psychotherapists, opinion leaders tirelessly remind of this. No wonder a person who says otherwise looks strange. But in an informal setting, my clients, friends, and relatives have confessed to me for years how fed up they are with social pressure: every aspect of life must be presented in an optimistic way. They feel that they are infinitely far from people who assure that everything will be in order, you just need to think about the pretty. Everyone knows perfectly well that this does not work, and are desperately looking for another way out.

Before we get started, let’s be clear about something: being positive isn’t always bad.

When it is applied to the case, it is extremely useful. Experts agree that positive feelings such as gratitude, contentment, optimism, and self-confidence can prolong our lives and improve our health. Although many of these statements are exaggerated, positive thinking is not empty. People who are more likely to report positive feelings in surveys tend to have richer social lives, are more active, and take better care of their health. I think no one will argue that a sincere positive attitude heals the soul.

But at some point, we took a wrong turn and created the concept of a “positive person”, who is much more like a robot who sees the good in everything. We impose positivity on ourselves because society says so, and if its expectations cannot be met one hundred percent, we suffer from our own inferiority. Negativity is perceived as an enemy. It is worth succumbing to it – and we mercilessly castigate ourselves and those around us. If you are not positive, then you are not trying hard. If you do not glow with joy, do not complain that no one has given up looking at your sour face.

In a healthy positive there is a place for both reality and hope. But toxic positivity denies living emotions and makes us suppress them. When we use toxic positivity, we tell ourselves and others that our emotions are actually not there, they are wrong and we need to push a little to get rid of them completely. I know people who, in difficult moments of life, are weighed down by imposed positivity, but it is quite another thing to speak out against it publicly and question what has become a huge and integral part of our lives.

And yet, that’s exactly what we’re going to do.

Shame disguised as positivity

So, you lost your job, and your friend is convinced that you should not be sad. The second the words “Well, but …” flew out of her mouth, the conversation actually ended. There is no space left for your feelings, you can’t work them out anymore. You have been dragged into positivity without being asked if you are ready for it. All that remains for you is to shut yourself up and feverishly think about where to get gratitude and optimism so that, God forbid, you do not strain others with sadness, worries or shame.

This seemingly unremarkable conversation causes you to suppress your feelings about the troubling situation, and you act like nothing happened. Not that you feel better, because you are still sad and sitting without work. But as soon as anxiety rises to the surface, you immediately drown it. You choose to fake a positive attitude until it becomes second nature to you. Everything would be fine, but it does not work. The quality of sleep worsens, you begin to avoid people so as not to once again grind out a fake smile, and you no longer have the courage to ask for advice. Instead of working through difficult emotions, you post optimistic quotes on social media and hope that they will encourage you.

This is how we enter the spiral of toxic positivity. We get angry because we have feelings and tell ourselves that this is not going to work. But a portion of the on-duty slogans (“Just smile”) does not bring relief, and we are angry again. This vicious cycle is exhausting the soul, and I really hope that I can help you get out of it.

Toxic positivity is reality denial

All day long I listen to people talk about their experiences and emotions. My work gives me a unique perspective on human nature that you won’t find anywhere else. Most client sessions revolve around the word “should.” People think that they should be happier or that some of their actions prevent them from becoming happy. That is why they throw themselves headlong into the cycle of shame and positivity. In such cases, I help to explore what is behind the word “should.” Where did they get it? Is this sentiment right? Is it based on facts? Is it possible to look at the situation from a different angle and distinguish halftones in a black and white picture? It happens that under the influence of implanted positive people reject the very fact of the existence of difficult emotions. For example, my client Dave did this.

He sits on the couch opposite me and beams with joy. He speaks of excellent health and a wonderful family. Honestly, he has a happy life, he just needs to make more efforts. And our conversation would sound perfectly normal and promising in any other context, if not for one nuance: the meeting takes place in a psychiatric hospital, where Dave was placed for an indefinite period. He is here because he likes to drink and his loved ones think he is losing control of his life. Dave tells me that he’s just a fun and outgoing guy – but what about without alcohol? He does not see a problem here and thinks that those around him are just boring people who do not know how to enjoy life: “Is it possible to be the soul of the company and not drink?”

The smile never leaves Dave’s face. He skips around the clinic among gloomy, pensive and frankly suffering patients – a strange and even alarming sight. He loves to shield himself from stress with positive thinking and takes genuine pride in his ability to see the positive side of everything. However, his drinking habit, his inability to feel emotions, and his lack of intimacy make me think differently. In reality, his positive approach greatly interfered with our work and hindered our recovery.

Due to the desire to always “keep his tail on the gun” Dave is unable to express his emotions. And it’s not as rare a problem as you might think. Any feelings outside the positive spectrum are inaccessible to him, and when it becomes difficult, his psyche simply turns off. I see that he drinks to cope, but it is far from obvious to him. That is why we fail to work through the events of his past, and also to plan for future mental health problems. Before admitting that he has a problem with alcohol, it is still very far away. He believes that any problem will resolve itself and there is no such obstacle that positive thinking would not cope with. It has become Dave’s shield, and until he learns how to lower it, it is useless to wait for changes.

Clients who live life in a truly meaningful way are people who can handle difficult emotions. They do not reduce their inner world to a duty smile. They live the shame associated with working through a difficult experience. Emotions need to be lived, not buried in the depths of the psyche. Understanding this brings us closer to the stage of optimism, because we know that we can overcome the obstacles that we will meet on the path of life.

How positivity becomes toxic

Positive is harmful when resorted to:

• if someone is looking for support, approval or sympathy, but instead receives banal advice like “Don’t be sad!”;
• to shame a person and show that he is not trying hard enough, does not work well, or his difficult feelings are wrong;
• to shame ourselves for not being happy enough about what is happening;
• to deny reality;
• to silence a person who has legitimate concerns or questions;
• to convince a person that he himself is to blame for bad circumstances.

Good intentions and indifference are what keeps the toxic positive. We often use it to:

• end the conversation;
• tell someone that his (her) feelings are inappropriate;
• convince a person that he can always be happy (if he makes enough effort);
• look attractive and serene in the eyes of others;
• deny a certain situation or avoid it;
• shun responsibility;
• try to cheer up the people around you.