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Until recently, positive thinking was presented as a “magic pill” that helps to make life successful and happy. It looks like the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction – more and more research shows that in some cases it can be harmful, becoming “toxic”.
“When there is a black streak in life, and a certain optimistic well-wisher tries to cheer us up and assures us that everything has its pluses and tomorrow will definitely be better, this makes us angry,” says psychotherapist Alexandria Fields. But why? What’s wrong with trying to cheer us up and set us up for optimism?
Why does this annoy us so much?
We are often told that if we can suppress our negative experiences and smile at the world, everything will be fine. What is really happening at this moment?
Most likely, a friend saw us in a depressed state and felt uncomfortable. He couldn’t bear it and tried to “fix” the situation by encouraging us to feel better. Thus, he seemed to let us know that our experiences have no right to exist.
And if we ourselves were taught in childhood that we should always think positively, we might think: “Yes, he is right. You just have to be patient. Others are worse off than me.” So we ourselves began to deny the legitimacy of our emotions, further exacerbating the problem. It is not surprising that from such “support” we only get worse.
How is this different from real support and positive self-hypnosis?
If they try to support and encourage us, is it bad? Not at all, the support of others (and especially loved ones) is extremely important for every person. It all depends on their intentions, awareness and tolerance for pain and discomfort.
But what to do if a person who seems to be trying to support begins to literally “strangle” us with false positive and optimism? And what can we do if we notice such a trend in ourselves?
Intentions
It is important to understand the true intention of “positive support”. Perhaps the “well-wisher” simply does not want to see the manifestation of our feelings. For many people, violent emotions cause discomfort, they do not know how to cope with it, and they try to change the situation with their immoderate optimism.
You recognize the legitimacy of the experiences of another person, and this is very important for him
If the calls to “think positive” are actually used to suppress your emotions, it’s “toxic positivity.” Conversely, if they sincerely try to support you, but at the same time they tell an unpleasant truth, try to understand the intentions of the interlocutor: most likely, he does not want to hurt you.
Mindfulness
If your interlocutor simply says something “positive”, apparently not thinking about the effect that his words produce, most likely he treats your feelings with disdain. If he really wants to support you, he should pause and think: what would I like to hear in such a situation?
For example, you can say: “I see what is happening to you, and I understand you perfectly!”
When someone tells us about their difficulties and clearly needs support, it is perfectly normal to respond: “Listen, this is a serious matter. I don’t know what to say yet, give me a couple of minutes to think.”
Ability to accept pain
Pain is inevitable, both physical and mental. It is very important to learn to accept both your own and someone else’s, without trying to immediately eliminate it by any means. When someone around you (or you) is hurt and ill, sometimes it’s worth just being around (or alone with yourself) without trying to do something.
“Often the best support is a simple and honest phrase like: “This is a really difficult situation” or “I know how much you were hurt.” With these words, you recognize the legitimacy of the experiences of another person, and this is very important for him, ”emphasizes Alexandria Fields.
Understanding and acceptance is always better than feigned optimism
“If someone nearby needs support, first of all it is important to show that you take their experiences seriously. For example, you can say: “I see what is happening to you, and I understand you perfectly!”. And that’s it, often you don’t need to say anything more!” Alexandria Fields explains.
Of course, you can always offer your help in solving problems, but if the answer is “no”, you should not insist.