Communication with people who poison life: with a conflicting boss, a mother-in-law who endlessly complains about life, or a friend who demands participation in all her affairs, sometimes cannot be avoided. But how to respond to them is entirely our choice.
If you are not careful about dealing with people who violate your personal boundaries, they can have a rather damaging effect on your feelings, thoughts and behavior. They devastate, unsettle, create a feeling of tension and chaos, subject your life to constant stress.
In 13 Things Mentally Healthy People Never Do, psychotherapist Amy Morin lists 9 signs that make it easy to tell when a toxic person has gotten the better of you.
1. You talk too much about him. Constantly discussing with colleagues the heartless actions of the boss or complaining about your self-centered relative takes up a lot of your time and vitality. Meanwhile, discussing toxic people in their absence gives them even more power over you.
2. You are losing patience. Whether you’re dealing with a slick manipulator or an office gossip, this energy vampire can stir up strong emotions in you. If you’re not careful, your frustration can easily turn into rage. When such a person controls you, you feel that you are not able to control emotions.
Trying to put the blame on someone else for what’s going on in your life is a sure sign they have too much power over you.
3. Your self-esteem drops. Toxic people are often rude, insult and humiliate others. Sometimes you may be tempted to think something like, «Dad makes me feel guilty.» But to feel guilty or not, to respect yourself or not is up to you, and your self-esteem should never depend on someone else.
4. You blame them for your behavior. If you have been manipulated by a «destroyer», you may be tempted to blame him for your choice. However, trying to put the blame on someone else for what’s going on in your life is a sure sign that they have too much power over you. Take responsibility for what you do and how.
5. You are afraid to spend time with him. Do you think with horror that you have to spend the evening at the festive table next to a boring relative or meet a colleague who always provokes you into a conflict? Do you feel like a few hours of your life will just be wasted? This means that the influence of the “vampire” on you has become all-consuming.
6. You sink to their level. If you increasingly say to yourself, “You can’t win, join in,” there is a danger that you will begin to behave in conflict with your own values. Even if you perceive the attempt to stand on the same level as the gossip or the aggressor as a last resort, it is by no means an effective coping strategy. Ultimately, this out-of-character behavior will only increase the feeling of emptiness and chaos in your life.
7. You fail to set the right boundaries. By manipulating you or causing conflict, toxic people interfere with the establishment of reasonable boundaries in a relationship. You can always be taken by surprise by the arrogance of a colleague, and you will not find a word to adequately object to him. You will again take on the mission of a rescuer, once again starting to bother for a despondent friend. Only by establishing a healthy distance can you protect yourself from their influence.
One person’s unhealthy behavior can seep into other areas of your life and harm relationships with loved ones.
8. You resort to unhealthy ways to cope. Pampering yourself with a double dose of alcohol “after a hard day” or buying yourself “as a reward for your patience” another chocolate bar or portion of your favorite fast food, you can certainly feel better for a while. But in the long run, these unhealthy coping strategies can cause serious problems. If you get into the habit of dealing with stress with these quick and «effective» techniques, a painful co-dependent relationship can drag on for years to come.
9. Your relationship is suffering. Are you yelling at your kids to relieve tension, or are you arguing with your spouse because you came home in a bad mood after dealing with a «vampire»? Be careful: the unhealthy behavior of one person can penetrate like a virus into other areas of your life and harm relationships with loved ones.
Limit «vampires» access to your life. If you recognize yourself in these situations, it is time to make changes. In some case, it is enough to refuse to waste time thinking about this person, to meet less often, to say “no” more often. In a more serious situation, it may be worth removing him from your life.