Childhood abuse leaves deep emotional scars. Will a complete break with abusive parents help adults in such a situation? Experts have not yet come to a consensus. American psychotherapist David Allen is sure that this is not the best solution.
A couple of years ago I received a curious letter. This was in response to my posts in which I advised adult victims of toxic families to look for a therapist who can help understand family dynamics and encourage parents to change destructive behavior. The author of the letter said that he did not agree to break off relations with his mother, which is why his psychotherapist refused to work with him.
I will never recommend that a client accept the role of a victim of domestic violence. But this does not mean at all that the only way out is a “divorce” from the family, moreover, this is definitely not the best way out. Unfortunately, even if you completely stop communicating with your parents, they will still «live» in your head.
The neural connections that determine our habitual reactions to the environment are formed primarily in communication with parents and are very resistant to change. To activate these bonds, it is not at all necessary to communicate with the father and mother often — just one meeting every few years is enough. In the same way, we are affected by contacts with other family members that remind us of our parents. Why are there relatives — even a stranger, whose behavior is somewhat reminiscent of a parent, can also act as a trigger.
Examining the Family History Helps See Destructive Parental Behavior in a New Light
In addition, these neural connections largely determine which partners we choose. We are more often attracted to those in whom we find familiar features, albeit unpleasant ones. And, the saddest thing is that we are likely to pass on the repetitive dysfunctional patterns to our children, which means that they will have the same problems. And sometimes someone who experienced abuse or rejection in childhood does not dare to have children for fear that they will repeat the parental pattern of behavior.
So, again, breaking up with the family or agreeing to continue playing the role of the victim is not the best way out of the situation. It is much more effective to review and modify relationships with parents. Yes, it’s not easy. This work requires a lot of patience and perseverance. However, if family members sincerely want to get along, this can and should be fought for.
The first step is to understand why parents behave the way they do. Unhealthy behavioral patterns usually develop over at least three generations in response to cultural changes. This leads to the fact that the rules that worked successfully within the family before become obsolete.
Dysfunctional families cannot cope with these new cultural demands. When one member of the family begins to question family rules, he reacts inconsistently to the expectations of the others.
The genogram method helps to understand the history of conflicts within the family. The study of the family history allows us to see the destructive behavior of parents in a new light. After that, it is already possible to develop your own strategies to bypass the psychological defenses and techniques developed by parents.
And if your therapist thinks your only option is to break up with your family, well, change therapists.
Unfortunately, many psychotherapists do not understand family dynamics, do not understand the dangers of “divorcing” parents. They probably do not know the psychological techniques to help patients assert their boundaries when trying to discuss family dynamics with relatives.
When I received a letter from a reader and published a response to him, a psychotherapist sent me an angry rebuke. I do not rule out that this was the same specialist that the reader wrote about. Here is what he wrote: “As a professional, I can say: you are a bad therapist! The best thing a person who has experienced inappropriate treatment in childhood can do is to break with the family. The very idea that the victim should go back to the abuser and try to build a relationship with him is offensive.”
The author proceeds from the assumption that children who have experienced abuse, even as adults, remain too weak and vulnerable to resist other family members. Most likely, parents themselves think so about their adult children. I make sure that patients have a safety plan in case the strategies we have developed don’t work. We always figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. Never back down.
And if your therapist thinks your only option is to break up with your family, well, change therapists.
About the Author: David Allen is a psychotherapist, personality disorder specialist, and author of three books, including one on dysfunctional families.