A toxic mother is a mother who poisons the life of her child by resorting to manipulation, domination or violence. Emotional trauma is difficult for the child to become an adult. What are the different profiles of toxic mothers? Why are they behaving like this? How to get rid of it?

The word “toxic” comes from the Latin “toxicum” which means “poison”. We speak of a toxic mother when she acts like a poison on the life of her / her children. 

There are several profiles of toxic mothers:

• The domineering mother: she abuses her parental authority by exercising permanent control over her child. The domineering mother does not support the idea of ​​her child becoming autonomous and independent because then she could no longer dominate him. She justifies her abusive authority as a way to protect her child from others. For Susan Forward, American psychotherapist and author of the book Toxic parents. How to escape their grip, “direct control is usually accompanied by intimidation and is often humiliating.“.
• The failing mother: she does not meet or partially meet her child’s basic needs (feed him, provide him with decent housing, protect him from physical and emotional damage, educate him, love him and pay him attention). Either she is failing in her role as a mother because she is often absent, or she is present but unable to provide for the needs of her child because she is too busy thinking about herself or imprisoned in addictions (alcohol, drugs, etc.). The child then takes on the role of parent for himself and / or for his own mother and is forcibly assigned adult responsibilities.
• The violent mother: she exercises physical violence (beatings or sexual abuse) and / or psychic violence on her child. Punishments, often unjustified, are always accompanied by beatings, slaps or spankings. To this can be added a form of verbal violence which results in criticism, humiliation, degrading comments, even insults. 
• The intrusive mother: it is toxic in the sense that it is suffocating. The intrusive mother interferes in her child’s life without any qualms and considers that she has every right to do so because it is in her best interests. She wants to have a say in everything he does. For this, she does not hesitate to visit him without warning, to intervene in his romantic, professional but also friendly relationships, and to abuse phone calls and messages.
• The rival mother: devoured by jealousy, she considers her child as a competitor. This scenario happens most often in mother-daughter relationships. Not having enjoyed a happy childhood or not being fulfilled in her current life, the rival mother sees herself again in her daughter and finds it unfair for her to flourish, or else jealous of a number of her qualities ( beauty, interpersonal skills, academic success…).

All these profiles have one thing in common, the hold exerted on the child. This control is achieved through the behavior of the toxic mother but also indirectly through everything that the role of child implies: he must not contradict his parents, he must obey them, he must trust them, he must owes them their life …

The different profiles of a toxic mother mentioned above can be exerted on the child regardless of its sex. But it seems that some toxic mothering patterns occur more with girls and others with boys. Thus, a mother will position herself as a rival with her daughter but less with her son. Being both of the same sex, the mother sees herself in her daughter and may envy her in certain aspects of her life. In toxic mother-son relationships, dominant, even castrating, behaviors are usually observed, as well as intrusiveness in the boy’s love life as if the mother was afraid that the daughter-in-law would take his place. 

Several reasons can explain the toxicity of a mother:

• Absolute family beliefs. According to Susan Forward, there are some absolute truths about the family that are central to “our perceptions, our judgments and our attitudes. Relatively mature, caring parents hold beliefs that take into account the feelings and needs of all family members”. While “the beliefs of toxic parents about children are, on the contrary, almost always egocentric and self-interested“. 
• A role of mother that she did not want. A child born of an unwanted pregnancy can be blamed for this accident all his life, especially if his mother has never felt able to take on this role. 
• Personal flaws. A mother who lacked love during her childhood may not be able to give her child what she never received. Indeed, a person who has suffered toxic parents may unconsciously reproduce the same patterns with their own children because they do not know what healthy parent / child relationships are.  

The emotional trauma brought on by a toxic parent is difficult to live with. Fortunately, it is possible to mitigate them by doing a work on yourself, step by step. 

Learn to assert yourself

The goal of a toxic mother is not to let her child exist. Living with a toxic mother, the child learns to step aside by always going in his direction. In adulthood, the child may suffer from not being able to be himself with his own mother. To be able to free yourself from a toxic mother, it is essential to first feel free to be who you are in her presence. So do not hesitate to express your needs, your disagreements and your positions vis-à-vis her, even if it means upsetting or disappointing her. Your mother must understand that you are a full individual and that you do not exist only through her. The more you assert yourself in front of her, the more she will understand that she no longer has control over you. 

No longer feel guilty

It is sometimes difficult to admit that one’s mother is toxic as it calls into question the role model symbol of the parent in the eyes of the child. Often, children of toxic parents refrain from telling others, or even thinking it, in the name of respect. By refusing to blame his mother, the child finds himself blaming himself. A weight that is difficult to bear for a lifetime. In her book, Susan Forward offers an exercise for children who are victims of a toxic parent: make a written list of everything they blame themselves for by preceding each thing with the words “my parents were responsible for…”. For the psychotherapist, this method allows, as an adult, to reconnect with the child that one was to make him aware of the responsibility of his toxic parent in his current discomfort. 

Confronting the toxic mother

This step is undoubtedly the most difficult but also the most liberating. She’s difficult in the sense that you have to face your toxic mother’s reaction after throwing a lot of blame at her. But it frees you up by relieving you of a weight you’ve been carrying for too long. Don’t expect a positive reaction from your mother who would immediately admit her wrongs. This reaction can occur but it can also be negative (anger, disappointment, embarrassment). Keep in mind that you are doing this for yourself and not for her. Your goal is to live more at peace with yourself. The confrontation also sends a strong message to the toxic mother: her behavior had serious consequences for her child and the latter in no way wishes to reproduce the same pattern with his children.  

Get help if needed

If you feel that the toxic relationship you have with your mother is taking up too much space in your life and that it is preventing you from flourishing, do not hesitate to seek help from a specialist. This will help you to take a step back from this relationship and to accompany you in the work of estrangement from this mother, sometimes essential to live better.