Toxic parents are parents who interfere with the development of their child from an early age and into adulthood. They adopt negative behaviors aimed at dominating their child’s life. What are the different profiles of toxic parents? What characterizes a toxic father? How does he behave with his daughter or with his son? Answers.

“What better word than ‘toxic’ to describe parents who inflict trauma, abuse, criticism of all kinds on their children all the time, and who, most of the time, continue to behave in this way even after the children have become adults”. This is the definition given by Susan Forward, an American psychotherapist, to explain who the toxic parents are. Author of the book, “Toxic parents. How to escape their grip”, The specialist distinguishes several profiles of toxic parents:

• Omnipotent parents. They abuse their parental authority and believe themselves to be all-powerful.
• Parents with disabilities. They are absent or failing in the education of their child.
• Domineering parents. They want to control everything in their child’s life to prevent them from becoming independent. “The fear of no longer being needed motivates many domineering parents to perpetuate this helplessness in their children.”, Says Susan Forward.
• Parents who are alcoholics or drug addicts. Their addictions prevent them from playing their role as parents, in particular being present with their child. Their condition also causes great suffering in the child who feels powerless in the face of the power of addiction.
• Parents who are physically or verbally abusive.
• Incestuous parents.

Among the toxic parent profiles cited above, some are more common in fathers than in mothers:

• The deficient father. It is about the often absent father because he puts his work, his hobby or his friends before everything else. This kind of father relies heavily on the mother for the education and care of the child. Even if he is physically present, he is very little involved in his role as a father. 
• The alcoholic father. Since excessive alcohol consumption is more frequent in men than in women, the profiles of alcoholic fathers are more numerous in families. Because of their alcoholism, these fathers often fail in the education of their child. “It takes so much energy to help the alcoholic and to keep up appearances that there is not much time or attention left for children’s basic needs.”, Emphasizes Susan Forward. Consequently, the child of an alcoholic father is forced to adopt the role of the parent in certain situations (putting his father to bed, avoiding any annoyance, cooking him food, etc.).
• The violent father. The idea that authority in the family belongs more to the father than to the mother, creates abuses on the part of some fathers. Believing themselves to be all-powerful, they abuse their authority through gestures. This violence often stems from the trauma of physical violence in their childhood. For Susan Forward, “parents guilty of bodily abuse of their child have an extraordinary lack of control over their impulses, prey on their children whenever they have strong negative feelings that they need to let off steam and have very little awareness of the consequences of what they do to their children“.

A father can be toxic with his son but not with his daughter and vice versa. The sex of the child is sometimes determining in the negative behaviors adopted by the toxic parent. Thus, a father toxic by his jealousy and his rivalry with his child, will be more toxic with his son than with his daughter. Being of the same sex, the father identifies more with his son. He can see himself in himself and not accept that his son benefits from things that he did not have as a child, or he may envy his successes when he has only accumulated failures. Another case in point in toxic father-son relationships: the overly demanding father. This kind of father asks a lot more from his son than from his daughter because he believes that the latter represents the next generation, the continuity of what he has accomplished. This pattern of a strict father, demanding and humiliating at the slightest failure is observed especially when the son is the oldest of the siblings, supposed to take over the family business. 

In toxic father-daughter relationships, the most frequent case is that of the overly protective father. Difficult to hate because he only preserves his daughter, the overprotective father is nevertheless toxic for the child in the sense that he never lets him take risks and gradually keeps him away from the real world. This “protectionist” hold is more common with girls because in our society still circulates the received idea according to which girls need to be more protected than boys. Unfortunately, we teach girls to grow up in fear (“don’t come home alone tonight”, “don’t dress too sexy to keep yourself out of trouble”…).

Children of toxic parents suffer from it not only in childhood but also in adulthood. “Almost all of them show similar symptoms: hurt self-esteem, a tendency to self-destruct behavior. One way or another, almost all of them feel like they have no value, no ability and they feel unworthy of being loved.”, Notes Susan Forward. Faced with these serious emotional consequences, it is important to let go of their grip. How? ‘Or’ What ?

By forgiving

It is first of all a question of forgiving oneself by stopping to believe oneself responsible for the behaviors of the toxic father. In fact, children of toxic parents tend to feel guilty so as not to have to blame their parent, something they do not want to do. By forgiving himself and by forgiving the toxic father, the child does not draw a line on the past, he only allows himself to no longer suffer and to no longer let his father have power over his own life. Forgiveness is a trigger to stop the hold.

Asserting oneself

You are no longer a child, you are no longer defenseless. At the slightest attack from your father, do not try to justify yourself by being on the defensive, impose your point of view, your needs and your feelings. Eventually, he will realize that he no longer has any influence on you.

Moving away

In some cases, moving away is necessary to get better. When the toxic parent takes up too much space in the child’s life and it becomes disabling on a daily basis, it is better to take a step back and reduce the opportunities to see each other. Some children need to see their parents as little as possible in order to thrive. There is no reason to feel guilty unless you see your parents when sanity is at stake.