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Toxic dating games that can spoil your relationship
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Some people learn to relate to their partner by following a negative spiral that causes them suffering
Some couple dynamics can be really strange: arguing about everything, fighting to always be right or even systematically opposing everything the other says. This type of romantic relationship is characterized, according to the psychologist Gema Sánchez Cuevas, by often practicing the «Bad love games», which are nothing other than, as he clarifies, “Toxic games” full of dysfunctional behaviors that lead the partner to a negative spiral of self-destruction, even when its members think they are doing their best to save or improve it.
But what happens, as the expert reveals, is that those strategies that are put in place in the couple are precisely the ones that end up sabotaging everything because they disqualify and despise the other and themselves, generating frustration, anguish, defensive behaviors y conflicts. “Getting out of these harmful games is difficult. Somehow, the members of the couple have learned to relate to each other in this way even if it causes them suffering, ”reveals Sánchez Cuevas.
One of those “bad love games” is compete to be right. As the psychologist explains, in this practice both members of the couple become deaf towards everything that has to do with the other and are immersed in a struggle to convince each other that the conflict increases more and more, even reaching disqualification. “In the end, convergence is a utopia,” he says.
Another possible toxic game is one in which the couple usually has a confrontational style, despite agreeing on most of the issues. “They are the typical situations in which they talk about the same thing, but it is continually discussed because they always oppose what the other says”, describes Gema Sánchez.
The origin of toxic behavior
The psychologist clarifies, however, that when we talk about this type of games, we are not saying that these people are toxic, since what is toxic is their behavior, that is, what is toxic is not so much their way of being, but the behaviors they manifest and that, according to Gema Sánchez Cuevas, could mask insecurity y low self-esteem and that is why they are always on the defensive.
The expert says that, in general, people who have this behavior have lived either traumatic experiences, or certain internal conflicts and difficulties that lead them to defend themselves from suffering without knowing well the consequences of their actions that are usually focused, precisely, to generate what they fear so much: suffering.
This does not mean, as he clarifies, that neither the abusenor the manipulations neither the blackmails. “One thing is a discussion because we do not agree and quite another is to despise, ignore or criticize the other until destroying him,” he clarifies.
That is why he insists on the need to think about the relationship and study how we are and how we feel to analyze if we have illusions or if, on the contrary, discomfort dominates the day to day and the relationship weighs on us and also fear dominates us.
Signs that characterize a toxic relationship
La inability to be ourselves It is one of the most important signs, according to the psychologist Gema Sánchez Cuevas, because when we cannot exude ourselves or we put aside activities that we liked, there are problems in that relationship.
El isolation is another of the signs. Getting away from family, friends or colleagues is not a good indication, because it implies exclusivity and, as the psychologist explains, we advance and grow by relating to others and we need to maintain the bonds that make us happy. “If a person can be a cause of jealousy or distrust and we have cut ties for that reason, we must be alert,” he warns.
Each filtering bag extreme jealousy it is a sure sign that the relationship is unhealthy. Behaviors of control of what is done or said, checking e-mails, reading WhatsApp, endless interrogations … these are things that indicate possessiveness and distrust. “Love is not cutting the rooms, but respecting and trusting”, defends Sánchez Cuevas.
El contempt disqualification or blackmails They indicate that there is no respect for the other and that is essential in a relationship. We are not always going to have an opinion like the other, but that is not why we are worse, but different. “A couple has to be a partner, they have to help us, understand us, support us, give us strength and support us, but not knock us down, or belittle us,” he explains. Thus, love is based on the acceptance of the other, not on the pressure for the other to be and behave as we wish.