Contents
Why is physical contact really important? What role does he play in the relationship? And what if you really need “hugs”, and your partner is only interested in touching in bed? We are looking for answers to these questions together with a body psychologist.
“Do not teach to hands!”
Everything starts in infancy. It was then that the mother, with her bodily contact, strokes and hugs, helps the child to understand and feel her love, warmth and protection. This contact is the key to a healthy attachment, a good relationship with your own body and adequate self-esteem.
Until reaching one and a half years, it is equally important for both boys and girls. Further, of course, too, but it is this period that is considered the key. And this contact may not happen if the mother is afraid to “accustom the child to her hands”, to make him too affectionate. Or if she simply does not have a resource for this.
Who do such “untouched” children grow up to be?
Either in adults who are desperately chasing hugs and warmth, or in those who live on the planet “I can handle it myself, I don’t need tenderness.” Both those and others, growing up, are looking for this contact that was not received in infancy. Looking for and afraid, looking for and afraid to lose. They are looking for those who, just like mother once, are not at all able to give it. Or they are overgrown with prickly armor, so that no one sees what is inside.
It is not surprising that such people are quite often attracted to each other and become couples.
Why does the couple not have physical contact?
Touching and hugging help produce oxytocin and lower cortisol, the stress hormone. Therefore, it is so important that we have bodily contact not only at an early age. But in the life of many couples, on the contrary, it is almost absent. Why it happens?
- The partners, according to them, do not have time and energy for anything. Although it is hugs (again by lowering cortisol levels) that can help them cope with life’s circumstances.
- A woman becomes a mother and as if ceases to be a partner: “I have a child, now there is no time for these nonsense.” So not only ordinary tactility, but also sex can disappear from a couple.
- In the usual picture of the world of partners, bodily contact simply does not exist. Most often this happens if their parents did not show and do not show tenderness towards each other with children: they do not hug, do not touch, do not express gestures of support. After all, it is the parent model of interaction that is our basic setting.
How to restore tactility to relationships?
Women often complain: “I want to cuddle, but he is against the” calf “tenderness.” And this is not uncommon: I had a client who initiated sex with her husband just for the sake of hugs after him. Let’s see what you can do if you want physical contact, but your partner does not.
Get in touch with your body
How often do you have contact with your body? Not when you quickly smear cream on your face before going to bed, but when you thoughtfully touch every inch of your skin, studying it? Dedicate the next evening to this activity and do not forget to set a timer. Someone gets bored after a couple of minutes – this is a serious reason to think and make this technique part of the daily routine.
You will be surprised how the quality of your life will begin to change. Spending just 15 minutes, but every day, you will improve your relationship with your body, your sexuality and your overall emotional state.
Explain to your partner the value of his touch
Tell him why physical contact is so important for you and your couple in general. It may not be entirely obvious – what if your partner simply does not know how valuable hugs are to you? Just do it in the “I-messages” format. Instead of “Petya Masha hugs all the time, why can’t you?” it would be better to say “I wish you hugged me more often. That way I feel protected.”
Try to find a point of contact with a partner
What does it mean? If you got a partner from the planet “tactility is forbidden”, you will have to build more bodily relationships with him from scratch and very slowly. And it’s better to start small – lie side by side, lightly touching each other, do massages in turn, or devote a little more time to foreplay. The main thing is that in these minutes you are included in the process and do not rush things.
About expert
Ekaterina Popova – body psychologist, psychosomatotherapist, supervisor. Her about body therapy.