Parenting is a full-time job without any training. So all parents make mistakes, especially in the early years. It is natural to make mistakes, but to correct them is not. Psychotherapist Sean Grover encourages us to have the courage to notice wrong steps, recognize them and take them into account in the future.
Children add rocket fuel to our emotional lives. We wake up in high spirits, and an hour later we are already losing our temper. We feel euphoria — and then despair. And how we deal with these strong feelings ultimately determines the quality of our relationship with our child.
While making mistakes is natural, correcting them is not. It takes courage to admit your mistakes, especially in front of children. It is very difficult to start again from scratch and build new, healthier relationships with them.
But parenthood is also a gift: children give us the opportunity to develop. Growing up with children means becoming a better parent. And the best person too. So let’s count the mistakes every parent is required to make:
10. Micromanagement. Micromanagers are purposeful and hardworking people. They love children and want them to succeed. The problem is that they do too much for their children. As a result, children remain dependent on adults for a long time and experience great difficulties when entering an independent life: they do not know how to manage themselves, they lack energy and motivation.
Behave the way you want your children to behave. Be who you want your child to be
Even despite their high intelligence, they are emotionally immature. Stop leading the child, give him better tools that will help develop independence. The more problems your children successfully solve without your participation, the stronger the incentive will be to succeed in adulthood.
9. Connivance. Parents, as a rule, always act from the best of intentions, but the rejection of all kinds of restrictions and prohibitions is one of the most disastrous parenting trends. When father and mother indulge all the desires and needs of children, they do not know how to build an equal relationship: they expect everyone else to please them.
They shy away from problems and avoid hard work. And they live with the feeling that everyone owes them. They have a strange combination of low self-esteem and arrogance. Strive to awaken in children personal responsibility, encourage them to act and achieve goals. Connivance and empowerment are two different things.
8. Bad example. Whether parents want it or not, they first of all become a role model for children, a role model. A mother and father who endlessly quarrel, blame others, tell lies or play the role of a victim unwittingly teach children to do the same. Blaming them for the bad behavior and bad habits you taught them is like blaming a mirror on your reflection. Behave the way you want your children to behave. Be who you want your child to be. Before blaming children for their behavior, consider changing your own.
7. Bulling. Abusive parents tend to be control freaks. Instead of trying to understand the child, they overwhelm him with orders, directives, threats of violence, or actual use of violence. They are convinced that personality is formed through threats and intimidation, and not through the search for one’s own individuality. Unfortunately, children of such parents suffer from low self-esteem and high anxiety. It is difficult for them to trust others, they are afraid of intimacy.
6. Inconsistency. Inconsistent parenting drives kids crazy. Adults who change their minds frequently, have no firm ground, and have difficulty making decisions tend to grow up emotionally unstable children with weak identities.
It is extremely difficult for them to define themselves. Often they act provocatively to hide their insecurities. It is not always possible to provide a child with a stable home and life, but providing a stable and consistent upbringing is a thing quite achievable.
5. Criticism and comparison. Nobody likes criticism or comparisons. And yet, many parents do this daily and quite persistently. «Why can’t you act like Masha / Petya?» “Why are you such a kopushka / whiner / greedy?” This is a sure way to undermine your kids’ self-esteem and hurt their fragile egos.
Seek the right balance for your children, this will better prepare them for relationships, work and life outside your walls.
Children who are criticized see themselves as outsiders and losers all their lives. They don’t notice or appreciate their strengths because they were never taught that. It is very easy to harm a child with judgment or comparison, it is a matter of seconds. But it may take him a lifetime to recover.
4. Poor structure, incorrect prohibitions and boundaries. What is structure, prohibitions and boundaries? Structure means following a certain daily routine, the ability to follow a regimen, stick to a schedule. Prohibitions stop destructive or risky behavior, form common sense. Boundaries mean recognizing and respecting the physical and emotional space between people.
Some parents set too many restrictions, some do not maintain a clear structure or violate boundaries. Finding the right balance for your children will better prepare them for relationships, work, and life outside of your home.
3. Neglect. Usually fathers and mothers do not want to neglect their children, but many of them are so passionate about their work that they delegate parenting responsibilities to older children or grandparents. They miss important events in the lives of their sons and daughters. Or, worst of all, they become disgusting listeners, inattentive to the inner world of the child. Emotional neglect or neglect undermines a growing person’s self-esteem. Emotionally neglected children are especially naughty, suffer from mood swings and behavior problems.
Just sit down and listen to the child, trying to identify with him. Such an elementary action in itself will have a healing effect. Children who feel understood by their parents do not seek attention from others and are less likely to engage in destructive behavior.
2. Ignoring learning difficulties. Many behavioral problems are the direct result of undiagnosed learning difficulties. Impatient parents who are in a hurry to label a child as a lazy person or a person who is indifferent to learning often do not take into account that it is not a lack of interest, curiosity, motivation …
The child wants only one thing: for adults to understand him, recognize his feelings and support him.
Even very smart children can suffer from difficulty processing information quickly, from dysregulation, or from poor memory. These complications often go unnoticed until middle or even high school. They make learning painful and tiring. So get diagnosed on time and save your money: psychotherapy will not help solve these problems in any way.
1. Devaluation of feelings. When children reveal their feelings to you, confess to fear or insecurity, for heaven’s sake, don’t object or deny them! Don’t use a child’s trust as a chance to lecture or share experiences. Opening up to you, children are very vulnerable. Show delicacy and sensitivity. The child wants only one thing: for adults to understand him, recognize his feelings and support him. Many of the symptoms of hyperactivity, disobedience and whims in children are caused by parents who refuse to acknowledge their feelings or devalue them.