Confess how you feel when you hear the phrase «inner child»? The desire to immediately stop such a conversation is often due to purely psychological reasons. What are you hiding from yourself?
Popular psychology and culture often and not always use the term «inner child» so any mention of it makes one wary: «it looks like they are trying to manipulate me.» Well, quite a natural reaction. We are on the defensive because we feel that this notorious child has something to do with our vulnerability, which we prefer to hide.
“I myself used to cringe at the mention of the inner child,” writes Richard Broulet, a schema therapist and expert in anxiety and purpose. — I self-confidently believed that this was an amateurish invention, which charismatic personalities stuffed gullible townsfolk with. Much later, in a course in clinical psychology, I learned that intricate psychoanalytic terms like «true and false self,» «fixation» and «regression» came from the concept of the child self, recognized by modern science.
Sophisticated terminology only helps specialists intellectually distance themselves from the simple but uncomfortable truth: in each of us lives an inner child, sensitive and vulnerable.
Adults, including therapists, find it embarrassing to pretend to be children, let alone relive past experiences, sometimes painful and cruel. This need to pretend to be too old is explained quite clearly by the theory of trauma.
Let’s remember some representatives of modern pop culture, for example, Charlize Theron. She conquers with detachment, as if her thoughts are somewhere far away, restrained, unflappable … Cool! From the point of view of trauma theory, such «cool» personalities are removed from their own fragility, fears and weaknesses. This is called dissociation, separation from one’s self or part of it.
The child’s self carries key emotions that tell us what we expect from others and from life in general.
This is especially true for children — they forget the traumatic period in order to protect themselves from depressing memories. Even more so, adult clients do not remember tragic or traumatic events from childhood.
We won’t claim that each of us has suffered childhood trauma, but most of us have had difficult moments in childhood: a feeling of dependence, helplessness, despair, and, of course, terrible vulnerability. Much easier to forget all these horrors. Therefore, as we get older, we try to move away from them and carry our adulthood as a banner. Hooray, it’s finally over!
But here’s the thing: we need an inner child to feel whole and complete as a person. The child’s self carries key emotions that tell us what we expect from others and from life in general.
Joy, fun, love, sadness, regret, shame, pride, hatred, anger — all come from childhood. This experience is deposited in memory and psyche, and, when we grow up, serves as our support. If you want to hear your needs and understand why you feel the way you do, talk to your inner child.
It is very helpful to meet him. But how to overcome embarrassment?
Just trust your inner child, the expert advises. Trusting someone who is sensitive and attentive, you will not laugh at him, tease him. It is much easier to talk with him about childhood memories, desires, resentments, rejections and disappointments. Imagine that there is someone nearby who will sympathize, confirm all experiences and help them transform into deep emotional satisfaction of a truly mature person.
“We are conducting a dialogue between an adult and a child in order to rethink past experiences, gain confidence and a different motivational mood”
The child self is the cornerstone of schema therapy, which addresses our vulnerable, neglected, obnoxious, playful, or angry child states. The schema therapist helps clients understand which of their basic emotional needs were “missed” in childhood and how the child’s behavior pattern affects the present.
Perhaps the description seems a little blurry, but in practice this approach gives quite real results. For example, people who procrastinate often use «obnoxious child mode.» It means that in childhood a person received less recognition and praise. After all, procrastination is also a way to send a continuous signal «I do not have enough attention.»
In therapy, the “unbearable child” is connected to memories of achievements that parents stubbornly did not notice. The therapist then addresses this child directly from the past moment: “What did you really expect? How do you think it should have been done? How would you feel about it?” This allows the adult client to feel their need again and satisfy it now.
“We are having a dialogue between an adult and a child in order to rethink past experiences, gain confidence and a completely different motivational attitude,” explains Richard Broulet.
The next time you hear about the inner child again, try to avoid the cynicism and sarcasm of the “it’s too late for me to go to school” style, listen to your emotions. Perhaps you will make an important and extremely useful discovery: you will understand what you really want.