To the detriment of yourself: 6 myths about self-harm

What makes people of different ages, and especially teenagers, hurt themselves? Such a non-trivial dialogue with their body is chosen by those who do not know how to relieve emotional stress in a different, safe way, to cope with their emotions in difficult life situations.

“Selfharm has always been a way out for me, since the age of seven, probably. Then I did not know what it was called, but I punished myself. For extra food, for tears. I was a very chubby child, so I could go hungry for weeks because I allowed myself to eat chocolate. Then the problems became more and more, and the punishments became more severe. I deprived myself of sleep, food, beat myself, cut myself … I told everyone about my problem. I asked for help, but I was made out to be an idiot asking for attention.” (Valya, 17 years old)

“I have been doing self-harm for almost eleven years. I can’t remember how it all started. At an early age, I mostly punished myself for not living up to parental expectations, but I had many reasons for self-harm. Among them are a drinking family member, a feeling of injustice and regret that I will never be able to help everyone … Now it’s hard for me to imagine myself without blades in my phone case and several dozen scars all over my body, not to mention a hundred scars … Don’t romanticize selfharm. It’s not beautiful at all…” (Matvey, age 15)

These are fragments of confessions published by on your website student of the European Gymnasium Varvara Bogantseva. She had a personal interest in creating a resource that honestly and clearly talks about self-harm: “I have friends and acquaintances who are prone to self-harm, and I know how frustrating it is to feel helpless and not understand how I can help them. . I hope the project will be useful to other people with a similar problem. Varvara has collected on her website several established opinions about self-destructive behavior. We asked teenage psychologist Nastasya Krysko to comment on these myths.

1. Self-harm is always a suicide attempt.

No not always. A person may self-harm for another purpose: to cope with difficult experiences for him or her, traumatic situations such as violence or bullying, failure in some significant area, and the inability to control one’s life. Or wanting to punish yourself for something.

American psychologist Thomas Joyner, a recognized expert in the field of suicidal behavior, drew attention to the fact that the longer a person practices self-harm, the lower his fear of death, that is, there is a kind of “addiction” or, scientifically, “desensitization” to pain. Among the events that lead to a decrease in the fear of death, there are also psychological traumas of childhood and serious illnesses that cause suffering. It is always important to clarify with the person himself (when he agreed to speak on this topic) his motives and intentions.

2. Selfharm is when the veins are cut

There are many ways to self harm. Some people resort to different options, and some use the same method all the time. The basis of any self-harm is the INTENTIONAL harm to oneself for a specific purpose (self-regulation, distraction, punishment, and so on). In addition to cuts to different parts of the body, there are also such methods of self-harm as:

• overeating and undereating,
• biting yourself
• burns,
• sticking things in,
• hitting walls,
• deliberate overdose,
• excessive physical activity with the intent to harm oneself,
• hair pulling,
• participation in fights in which injuries will certainly be inflicted.

Some researchers identify the so-called emotional self-harm: it may consist in deliberately angering someone, provoking them to yell at you in response. Another way is to deliberately get into relationships you don’t want to be in, be with people you don’t want to be with, have sex when you don’t feel like it, stop yourself from spending time with people you love by punishing yourself.

3. Self-harm is always an attempt to get attention.

Today, experts no longer divide suicidal and self-damaging behavior into “true” and “demonstrative.” But people still accuse such teenagers of deliberately harming themselves, of manipulating others. As an expert, this upsets me. Why do adults react this way?

I think it’s about fear and lack of information – it’s much easier to choose a strategy of devaluation or ignoring, leaving a person alone with his suffering. But devaluing what is happening is not a useful reaction.

When adults do not pay much attention to the needs and difficulties of a teenager or do not notice them at all, this can lead to strong emotional experiences, acts of self-harm and become fixed in his mind as the only way to get support from family or friends, if only in these cases he gets a response.

For adults who notice signs of this behavior in a teenager, I recommend contacting a psychologist or psychiatrist who can clarify the child’s condition and help. The help of adults should be systemic, team: it is important to understand why a teenager resorts to self-harm, for what purpose, what self-regulation skills can be developed in him. It is important that the psychologist discusses the mechanisms of self-harm with all family members, debunks myths, helps the family think through ways to support and, if necessary, develop communication and behavior skills in conflicts. Parents have a difficult task: to help both the child and themselves – therefore it is important to support them, give them information, support.

4. Only teenagers do self-harm

This is not so: the age ranges from four years to sixty and above. At the same time, statistical data show that self-damaging behavior is indeed most common in adolescents and young adults, which can be associated with higher emotional vulnerability, on the one hand, and a lack of safe self-regulation skills, on the other. Nearly 38% of teens have tried to hurt themselves at least once.

And this behavior can last a lifetime. The longer a person resorts to self-harm, the more difficult it will be for him to refuse this method. A vicious circle ensues: a certain situation evokes a negative thought, it evokes strong emotions, and encourages the person to self-harm. Cuts cause the release of endorphins, the pain-relieving system is triggered, and this gives a temporary feeling of relief and peace. And then the person begins to blame himself for his actions, and the circle starts again. Or the problem itself, which causes destructive thoughts and emotions, has not been resolved, and the same vicious circle is started again. So a person is trapped in self-harm.

5. Self-harm is a disease

It is difficult to call self-harm a disease – it can be a manifestation of mental illness: depression, eating disorders, anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, schizophrenia, and so on. I would rather call it an unsafe coping strategy, for example, with your feelings.

6. Selfharm is for girls

Self-injurious behavior occurs in people of either gender. So the myth may be related to the gender stereotype that “real men” do not seek help from psychologists, because this is a “sign of weakness.” Even in this myth, you can catch the “notes of sexism”: it turns out that being a girl is something bad. Statistics show that today more and more men seek psychological support.

I think it’s important in our society to work on destigmatizing self-harming behavior and mental health in general. I am very glad that many different communities are now joining this work and help is becoming more accessible and effective.