Imagine that you have come to a restaurant where there is no menu, and the chef decides what you should like. They serve a bowl of pickle and a glass of vodka, although you were thinking about coffee. An absurd situation, right? The same thing happens when you don’t tell your partner about your sexual desires. If you don’t know where to start, here are four topics to talk about.
Very often, couples who have problems in sex seek advice. Already during the first meetings, it becomes clear that communication is broken in a couple. Adults are not accustomed to having frank conversations with partners. Such embarrassment and omissions can negatively affect sex. It’s not about experience and not about how compatible the temperaments of these people are, not about their feelings or attitude towards each other.
When such a couple is in the office, the problem immediately catches the eye: the conversation does not go well. There is an emptiness with which it is absolutely impossible to work. With such clients it is much more effective to talk individually. One of them, having come to the session without a girl, shared thoughts that he could not voice in her presence: “I don’t feel her at all. She is so beautiful that I never cease to be shy in front of her beauty. It always seemed to me that she admits me to her, and nothing more. I guess I’m not a very good lover.»
The girl herself also doubted her sexuality and praised her partner: “I have never felt so good in bed. He feels me that way. But I’m terribly shy. I seem to blush a lot in certain positions. During an orgasm, I try to control my facial expressions so as not to look terrible.
What prevents partners who are loving and ready to shower each other with compliments alone with a psychologist, to talk about their feelings directly? «Have you ever told your husband how good you are with him?» “I praised him, but not very often … Sometimes it seems to me that if I say something like that, he will see that I am not a guru at all in sex …” In the absence of dialogue, our guesses and complexes replace the partner’s real opinion about us.
What are we afraid of?
Almost always, what cannot be talked about is overgrown with omissions. Communication becomes more intense, complexities and malicious intent begin to appear in the most trivial processes. Why are we afraid to talk about sex?
Most often, people are afraid that the partner will consider them too inexperienced or, conversely, too sophisticated and dissolute. We are afraid to hurt our partner or hear that something is wrong with us. Unfortunately, resentment during conversations about sex arises quite often.
How and what to talk about?
Choice of contraception. There may be different opinions, and the couple needs to find a compromise. The issue of health is very important, even if you are protected by a barrier type of contraception. Of course, the issue of the freshness of tests for sexually transmitted diseases is a very delicate topic. By refusing to discuss this topic, we risk paying too high a price for modesty.
The boundaries of what is permitted and what is not permitted in sex. Yes, we are not ready for all experiments in bed. And this is absolutely normal. Good contact, both psychological and sexual, is possible only if the partners are ready to hear each other and respect personal boundaries.
Technical and physiological parts of the process. What pleases you is how the body responds to certain gestures of the partner. This part of the conversation is well structured in the format I recommend for feedback. You need to start with what you like, continue with what you would like to change, and end with plans for the future: “I like it when you …”, “I don’t feel very comfortable when …”, “it would be great if you do it like this … »
Fantasy. This is the most exciting topic of conversation. You can discuss them both on the shore and in the process. If there is confidence that the partner will support your proposal, fantasy can be whispered in your ear at the moment of intimacy. However, we are all very different. Someone may like your idea of inviting a third person into your sex life, but for someone this offer, made at the moment of intimacy, will be a painful blow to pride and erection. If it’s impossible to say directly, you can hint by sending a photo or video of a certain topic, send an article or refer to a conversation or experience of friends.
You can’t be a good lover or mistress because of hundreds of miles in a previous relationship
Fortunately, in bed we are not under oath, and it does not depend on our testimony whether a person is executed or pardoned. We can soften sharp corners, but keep silent about something. For some of us, there is such a sin — during sex, a girl closes her eyes and scratches George Clooney’s back. Your boyfriend does not need to know this, if only because under no circumstances will he become George Clooney.
To play or not to play guessing is voluntary. Of course, you can poke your finger in the sky, and hit the clitoris. But in order for the partner to know what and how you like it, you need to lift the veil of secrecy. If we are talking about the direction of movement, gesture or rhythm, we can say right at the moment of intimacy. So the partner will be clearer and clearer.
You cannot be a good lover or mistress because of hundreds of kilometers in a previous relationship. Each new body is new laws. In past relationships, we at least recognized ourselves. But your body in conjunction with a new partner can open up in a completely different way. Every first sex with a new partner, he really is the first. Remember this, carefully and carefully treat both yourself and your partner.