For many people, this is something vague and unclear. In order to be aware of our boundaries, we need to know what is acceptable for us and what is not, to feel our comfort zone, personal space, emotional world. What prevents us from building them and why is it so important?
Clear boundaries are the ability to maintain a suitable emotional and physical distance, the ability to have your own opinion and defend it. Strong boundaries make it clear what kind of treatment you consider acceptable and what is not.
When and how do they form?
We begin to build them in childhood. A lot depends on what kind of example parents or other caregivers set for the child, because children first of all learn by imitating the behavior of their loved ones.
Even in infancy, it is important for a baby to feel that there are certain rules: where you can crawl and where you can’t, who can pick him up and who can’t, what is dangerous and what is safe. As he matures, the system of rules and boundaries must grow and evolve with him. It is important to introduce the child to the concept of personal space at an early age and to teach respect for others.
The system of our boundaries continues to change and develop throughout life, in many ways our security, happiness and personal growth depend on them. However, if our boundaries were constantly violated during childhood or we were not appreciated enough, then we cannot create a zone of comfort and safety for ourselves. And in adulthood, we will certainly have problems with personal space.
These complexities will persist until we decide to build a boundary system for ourselves. When communicating with someone who has them unhealthy or weak, one often gets the impression that the person himself does not know who he is, or does not value himself enough.
Those who were brought up in an atmosphere of codependency often have a poor sense of their own emotions and personal space (which they may have been deprived of in childhood). Some are afraid that trying to build boundaries will alienate loved ones from them and they will be left alone.
If in early childhood you were instilled with guilt or responsibility for the happiness of others, were not allowed to freely express your thoughts and feelings, or were shamed for basic needs and needs, all this could lead to similar problems in adulthood.
Our boundaries are a manifestation of self-love
Secure personal boundaries are essential to learning to truly love and appreciate yourself. Those who were deprived of a sufficient sense of control over their own lives in childhood are constantly seeking the approval of others, instead of learning to trust themselves and build their own identity.
Here are 4 tips for those who want to build stronger personal boundaries and learn to love and appreciate themselves better.
1) Decide what kind of borders you are talking about
Personal, for example, can include almost anything: your opinions and feelings on some issues, your interpretations, personal space (including physical), ideas about safety.
For every person in your life, you set your own boundaries. By identifying the types that are most important to you, you will be able to more clearly recognize when they are violated, and better understand what you are still lacking.
2) Make a list of your boundaries
Try to write down all the personal boundaries you would like to set and protect. This will help you set specific goals. If you especially need personal space, decide for yourself what exactly this concept means for you in each context (at home, at work, at the place of study, etc.), pick up examples of the violation.
3) Remember that you can defend boundaries with both words and non-verbal signals.
Written exercises also help. When you first start setting boundaries, it’s not uncommon to feel awkward or uncomfortable. You can start with non-verbal signals – for example, moving away from those who invade your personal space.
Write down in a diary how you feel when your boundaries are violated (someone is too pushy or requires you to devote a lot of time to him, etc.). This will help at the right time to find the right words to express your indignation.
4) Keep practicing
In developing any habit, in learning, the main thing is constant practice. Mastering this skill will also take time and effort.
Pay attention to which boundaries you have the most difficulty with. Each time you successfully protect them, write it down in a diary or check the box. This will help track your progress.