Getting stuck in conflicts and blaming each other can destroy even the most valuable relationships. Family therapist John Amodeo shares how to connect with yourself and others so that love and intimacy grows deeper and stronger over time.
We enter into relationships with good intentions and high hopes. But, despite the efforts, even the most reverent promises are sometimes not kept. What is needed in order to lay a solid foundation for partnership and fulfill cherished dreams?
Marriage therapist and relationship author John Amodeo shares over 35 years of experience working with couples: “Two people often walk into my office seeking to point out each other’s shortcomings. Everyone is trying to use our session as a forum, trying to convince the partner that he must change. People spend hours analyzing the shortcomings of the other in the belief that if they are identified, the relationship will improve.
Of course, people need to know what’s going on. This is how a person works — it is difficult for us to live with uncertainty and uncertainty. But, unfortunately, we often cling to the belief that something is wrong with our partner, rather than turning the mirror on ourselves to find out how much we ourselves contribute to the mess and complexity of the relationship. John Amodeo describes three key factors needed to create a meaningful partnership and friendship.
1. Mindfulness
Relying on the belief that the partner is the problem is a path that is rarely productive for a relationship. Swimming in our own internal dialogue usually keeps us in a morass of preconceived ideas, opinions and interpretations, says Amodeo. Relationships don’t get better if we stay in our heads. Positive change requires access to another part of our being.
What needs to happen so that we stop relying only on the mind and listen to the heart? Love and intimacy will only grow stronger when two people develop the skill of consciously immersing themselves in their feelings, and not holding on to ideas about the «wrong» partner. Making friends with your feelings is the first step towards creating a climate in which two can peer into each other’s inner world and gently move towards each other.
In the short term, we may be more comfortable analyzing our partner than acknowledging our own feelings, which can be quite uncomfortable. It takes determination and a willingness to be vulnerable to look within and ask, “How do I feel right now?” “What feelings rise up in me when my partner says or does this and that?”
Noticing, acknowledging and expressing experiences is a healthy start for a potentially productive dialogue.
But just by honestly answering such questions, we take responsibility for our own experience, and do not reinforce the endless cycle of blaming, condemning and defending a partner from them. Our beliefs, demands, perceptions are highly controversial. But no one can dispute our feelings.
Sadness, fear, anger, resentment or shame is just there. We don’t have to make excuses for them. Noticing, acknowledging and expressing experiences is a healthy start for a potentially productive dialogue. And then a partner or friend is more likely to hear us. He will not have to defend himself, which is more likely to happen if we start the conversation by expressing critical and often self-serving beliefs and ideas about him.
Of course, it is much easier to identify other people’s shortcomings than to admit your own. Conscious living of one’s own feelings and internal processes requires courage.
2. Courage
It is very convenient to consider that conflicts and difficulties are the mistakes of another person. It’s easier for us to figure out what’s wrong with him than to ask ourselves: “How am I complicating our relationship?” It takes courage and inner strength to recognize in ourselves and open to a partner the feelings that we consider unpleasant, which, in our opinion, make us vulnerable and weak.
According to the family therapist, it takes determination to pause when we are offended by the words and actions of another person. We are automatically triggered by the “fight, flight, freeze” response, which is designed by nature to protect us in the event of a real or imagined threat to our safety and well-being. This is the reason why relationships become more and more tense. Especially when one of us grew up in a dysfunctional environment without forming the healthy attachment that is so necessary to build a secure inner base.
Understanding what we are really experiencing can calm our emotions.
It takes wisdom and courage to be aware of what’s going on within us without being overwhelmed by the reactions of the directly survival-oriented limbic brain and their consequences. There are practices that help to consciously approach the processes that occur in our body and mind. Understanding what we are really experiencing can calm our emotions. This will prepare us to open our feelings.
3. Openness
We may think we can talk to people. But Amodeo suggests asking yourself, “What is the nature of my communication? Am I articulating my thoughts and ideas about the other person, or am I revealing my inner emotional life? Do I have the courage to be vulnerable, or do I choose the path that seems safe to me and criticize my partner?
Do we say: “You only think about yourself! You never listen to me, you’re so selfish»? Or are we trying to dive deeper, understand our own and his feelings, bring tenderness and care to our feelings? We also find the courage to say this without indulging in accusations: “I was lonely and sad. I want to feel our connection. I like spending time with you.»
John Amodeo cites Marshall Rosenberg’s method of non-violent communication as one of the useful approaches to communication. When we learn to pay attention to our inner life of feelings and needs, we are more able to open up and talk about our experiences. Most likely, it will touch the heart of a partner or friend. As we strive for deeper and more lasting relationships, we must have the courage to notice what we feel and want, as well as the patience to gradually practice open expression of our inner experience.
About the Expert: John Amodeo is a family therapist.