To love… after the birth of a child

This is familiar to many women: after childbirth, sexual desire can fade into the background. Is it worth trying to keep it? How to feel passion and pleasure again?

“During my pregnancy, I felt very aroused,” admits 29-year-old Polina. “But after the birth of her daughter, everything changed …” Every second pair of young parents experiences difficulties in sexual relations *. Approximately 20% of the difficulties persist six months later: “Even the thought of sex annoys me!”, “Won’t it be good like before?” Doctors are encouraging: a woman’s intimate life will gradually return to its previous rhythm. And yet this is not always the case.

Change of landmarks

“Many women discover a new dimension of sexuality during pregnancy, become more passionate,” writes midwife and women’s health specialist Elizabeth Davis. – A woman carrying a new life can be frankly sensual and passionate. These two aspects of femininity seem to be incompatible. A surprising number of men struggle with the new, conflicted perception of woman as Mother and Mistress. Unable to combine these two images, they feel insecure and do not understand how to relate to the increased sexuality of their pregnant partner. Some women also feel this separation and give up (temporarily) sexual life. And in vain: during this period, the emotional background in the relationship is rapidly changing, and the violation of the sensual connection gives rise to alienation and distrust in the couple. Later, the closeness that develops between mother and infant further increases the distance between spouses. “It is especially difficult for those for whom merging with each other was the basis of the union,” explains family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. “It is easier for couples to go through this period, in whose closeness there is not only a sexual, but also a friendly, “human” dimension.” If the partners speak frankly about what is happening, discuss the difficulties and prepare to solve them, then the prognosis is favorable.

The action of hormones

“After childbirth, a woman’s hormonal background changes dramatically, she can cool down and seem to forget about sex,” explains family psychotherapist Olga Rozhkova. Decreased levels of estrogen and progesterone, increased levels of prolactin in the blood reduce attraction. But at the same time, the body of a nursing mother literally “baths” in oxytocin, the hormone of love and tenderness.

Another body

Many women find it difficult to accept the changes that have taken place in their bodies after childbirth. “All physiological problems are solvable,” reassuring perinatal psychologist Ekaterina Zhitomirskaya. “Sometimes it’s enough just to wait: the female body is very plastic, and help yourself a little. Special ointments and gels soften the seams, and oils and lubricating creams help fight dryness in the vagina. Exercises will help restore elasticity to its walls: from the first days after childbirth, you can begin to compress, pulling inward, and then relax the muscles of the vagina and anus. This gymnastics is useful even before childbirth. If the desire does not return for a long time, most likely, we are talking about psychological barriers. To overcome them, you need to learn how to be a mother, while remaining a woman at the same time. (And remain a man as a father!) It is during this period that sexuality becomes a very fragile area of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbrelationships and needs to be protected. “No matter how pleasant bodily intimacy with a baby is, it cannot and should not replace intimacy between spouses,” warns Inna Khamitova. “And you should not use the child as an excuse to distance yourself from your partner.”

New sexuality

And yet, it’s not worth dramatizing: most couples manage to regain attraction to each other. “Motherhood is a key moment in the development of female sexuality,” stressed the psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto. “The sensations experienced during childbirth can be called the most complete sexual dedication.” After the birth of a child, a woman’s sense of her body changes, internal motherhood makes her more mature, and all this gives partners an invaluable opportunity to rediscover each other, to look for new points of balance in their love relationships.

*According to the National Institute of Health and Medical Research of France, inserm.fr

** E. Davis, Women’s Sexual Passages (Hunter House Publishers, 2000). Excerpts from the book can be read at elizabethdavis.com

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